


Losing

by Eversincefiveboys



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Harry, Eventually he finds someone though, He can't, Louis has to move on, M/M, Sad, Sad Harry, Sad Louis, Suicide, depressed!harry, so kind of a happy ending, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2017-12-31 23:23:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 53,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1037610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eversincefiveboys/pseuds/Eversincefiveboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When one boy lost himself, the other lost his world.</p><p>Harry is slowly losing himself and tries to hide it from Louis. But when Harry falls deeper and deeper into his depression, Louis starts noticing and wants to help Harry. For a while it seems that Harry might be getting better, but then there comes that fatal day. That fatal day on which everything goes wrong and not much later Louis finds himself left behind. His whole world falls apart. Harry has told Louis to move on, but that is easier said than done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N:Okay, so this is my very first chaptered Larry fanfic. (it's also the first time I post on AO3, so I might get some stuff wrong). I’d love it if you gave it a try and checked it out, any sort of feedback is welcome.  
> The fanfic will be twenty-two chapters long, every chapter about two thousand words.  
> It could have some mistakes in it because English isn’t my mother tongue, but I try my best.  
> There might be some unconnected plot line part things, because I don’t notice them while I write and then afterwards I see them again, but I don’t think there are many.  
> I don’t know if it’s any good, but if you like reading angsty Larry fanfic, then I think it’ll be okay.  
> Yeah, that’s about it and please if you read, let me know what you thought.  
> Enjoy (if that’s the right words to use for a story where everything goes to hell)

**Chapter 1**  
 _Three Years Ago_  
  
It was just after the xfactor, the first week of them living in their own houses when Harry and Louis got together. They had actually always been together, it wasn’t like it all happened in one day, but that was when it was official between them.  
Harry was unpacking his last box when Louis came into Harry’s room, flopping himself down on Harry’s bed. Harry looked at him with an raised eyebrow.  
"You okay?" He smirked and Louis nodded.  
"Yeah, just bored." Harry shook his head, smiling.  
"Shouldn’t you be unpacking?" He asked, getting up and sitting on a part of the bed which wasn’t covered in Louis.  
"I have unpacked enough for today," he said.  
"How many boxes left?" Harry asked. Louis shrugged.  
"Six or so."  
Harry laughed and decided to drop the subject, Louis wasn’t going to continue unpacking today.  
"So what do you wanna do?" He asked and drew some random patterns on Louis’ stomach.  
"Dunno, that’s why I’m bored, smartass." He grabbed Harry’s hand and stopped him drawing patterns. "Lie with me." He pulled Harry’s arm and moved over a bit so Harry could climb in with him. Harry didn’t hesitate and curled up beside Louis, wrapping his arms around the boy. Louis cuddle up next to him, nuzzling his face in Harry’s chest. Harry kissed the top of Louis’ head and closed his eyes, breathing in Louis’ scent. He loved the feeling of Louis’ curled up in him like this. He loved the idea of living together with Louis. He loved Louis. He knew he was in love with the older boy, he had always been in love with him. He didn’t really know if Louis knew Harry was in love with him. He did know that there was something. Louis and him weren’t just normal best friend. They were more than that. They weren’t friends with benefits, although they kissed and stuff, there was more to it. Harry knew it wasn’t just from his side, he knew Louis felt it too. He just didn’t know what. He had always been okay with it though. He didn’t really need to know what exactly they were, as long as they were both happy and comfortable with it.  
Louis moved his head up so that he could look at Harry and studied his face for a moment.  
"What are you thinking about, Haz?" He asked, bringing his hand up to go through Harry’s curls.  
"Us," Harry replied, pressing a kiss to Louis’ forehead. Louis cupped Harry’s cheek and leaned in, pressing their lips together. Harry kissed Louis back, not thinking twice. This wasn’t the first time they kissed, and it certainly wasn’t the last. Harry loved the feeling of Louis’ lips against his. Louis lips were soft and, well, kissable. Harry deepened the kiss, snaking his arms around Louis’ neck. They kissed liked that for a while, both enjoying the privacy they finally got by living together.  
"Still bored?" Harry grinned when they pulled apart for a moment and Louis smiled.  
"Not so much." He kissed Harry again and Harry realised that Louis kisses were definitely the best he had ever experienced. And the feeling the kisses gave him was certainly the most close to love. Harry wouldn’t be surprised if it actually was love. He didn’t know if Louis felt exactly the same, but at least Louis seemed to enjoy their moments together as much as Harry.  
They kissed again, now more heated than the times before. The kiss lasted long and Harry thought he wouldn’t really mind if he got stuck in this moment. Or if he had to live this day every day. It was amazing, it was perfect.  
They were pulled apart by the sound of Louis’ stomach. They both laughed and Harry got up.  
"I’ll make you dinner, come on."  
"Ugh I was finally not bored anymore and than my hunger has to interrupt," Louis pouted, causing Harry to laugh.  
"Aw poor Lou. But you know, since we finally live together we can always continue it." Harry held out his hand and Louis took it, getting off the bed. He stole one more kiss from Harry before dragging him to the kitchen.  
"Can I help?" Louis asked and Harry raised his eyebrows.  
"You sure?"  
"Yes! You always cook and I want to be of some use too. Besides, I have to learn to cook for myself too, for if you’re ever not there," Louis stated and Harry wrapped his arms around Louis.  
"I’ll never be not there, Lou. I won’t ever leave you," he whispered, pressing a kiss on Louis’ cheek.  
"I know. But just in case." Louis pecked Harry’s lips and they pulled out of the hug.  
"I’ll learn you cook then," Harry said, handing Louis a cutting board and a knife. Louis took it and went to stand beside Harry. Harry gave Louis some vegetables to cut in small pieces while he started on the potatoes.  
And so they cooked together, stealing kisses in between and talking about anything and nothing. It was so peaceful, so perfect. It was something they both had dreamed of since the xfactor and now that they had achieved it they wouldn’t want it any differently. It was wonderful, amazing. Harry loved being alone with Louis and he knew Louis loved it too.  
Harry watched how Louis cut the vegetables in pieces, humming softly to himself. It looked so cute, Harry wanted to forget about the food and just hug Louis for the rest of the day. Louis looked up, feeling Harry’s eyes on him. He smirked.  
"Like what you see?"  
"More than like," Harry admitted, moving closer to Louis. Louis chuckled softly, putting the knife down.  
"Maybe we shouldn’t cook together often, it’s taking way longer now. You’re too distracted," Louis said and wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist, nuzzling his head in the curly haired boy’s chest.  
"But I like it like this," Harry said, kissing the top of Louis’ head. Louis lifted his head and kissed Harry on the lips. Harry wanted to deepen the kiss, but Louis pulled back, smirking at Harry’s disappointed expression.  
"Later, Curly. Dinner first," he said and went back to cutting his vegetables. Harry studied Louis for a moment and then went back to his cooking when Louis raised an eyebrow at him, smirking.  
  
When dinner was over the two boys decided to watch a movie, but they didn’t catch much of it. They were talking and cuddling all the time, not paying much attention to what was happening on the screen. Louis had his head rested on Harry’s chest while Harry had his arms wrapped around the older boy.  
"What are you thinking about, Haz?" Louis asked after Harry had gone silent for a few minutes. Only now Harry noticed that the film was paused and Louis was looking at him with a concerned look in his eyes.  
"Just us, actually," Harry said and brushed Louis cheek.  
"Again?"  
"Yeah," Harry sighed, bringing Louis’ face closer to his. He pressed their lips together and Louis answered the kiss. After a while Harry pulled back, locking his eyes with Louis’.  
"Lou, what are we?" he asked, sitting up straight and pulling Louis up with him. Louis look at Harry for a while, taking his time to think.  
"Definitely not just friends," he said and Harry nodded.  
"I came as far as that," he replied and smiled. Louis smiled too.  
"I don’t want to jump quickly or anything, but I think we’re boyfriends. I mean, that’s the closest to what we are I guess," Louis concluded after thinking a bit more. Harry felt himself warm at the thought of actually being able to call Louis his boyfriend. Or just his.  
"I think I can go with that." Harry pressed his lips against Louis’ again and Louis kissed him back, snaking his arms around Harry’s neck. This kiss felt different than all the kisses they had shared before. It felt… more official. As if they finally knew where they stood, what their place was. As if the boys finally both understood why they felt the way they felt. It felt more right than ever before.  
They pulled away after a while, smiling at each other.They both knew that the other had felt the same. Louis laid down again, resting his face on Harry’s chest and wrapping his arms around the curly haired boy’s waist.  
Harry smiled at Louis, even though he couldn’t see it.  
He brushed his fingers through Louis’ feathery hair, enjoying the soft touch. He pressed his lips on the top of Louis’ head and sighed happily. This was perfect. This was how they were supposed to be and how they were going to be for a long time. Harry knew that they could keep going this way and that one day in the future, they might even come out to the public and maybe even marry and have a family of their own. He knew it was dangerous to think like that, he knew that so much could happen because they were only so young. But at that moment he didn’t care because everything was perfect and he just couldn’t see any pain or sadness in the future. He was happy and he couldn’t imagine his life differently. As long as he had Louis, he would be happy and his life would be perfect, no matter what happened. As long as Louis was by his side, everything would be alright in the end. He would be happy.  
  
  
But little did he know that he was wrong, o so wrong. If only he could go back to himself and tell himself that, because everything would change.  
He wouldn’t lose Louis, he would lose someone who in the end was the most important person in the job of keeping him happy. He would lose himself.  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**  
  
 _Three years later_  
  
Harry was woken up by Louis moving next to him and pulling the blanket with him, leaving Harry in the cold. He smiled at the sight of his sleeping boyfriend. Louis looked so beautiful and young, it was hard to believe he was a twenty-one-year-old man and not a six-year-old boy. He was sleeping so peacefully, it made Harry wonder if he looked like that in his sleep too. Probably not. Not anymore, anyway. He sighed, wishing the weird feeling would just leave him for a day. He had been hunted by this feeling for some weeks now and he didn’t know where it had come from. He didn’t know that he could even feel it. It was so much sadness. As if a heavy blanket of sadness had fallen upon him one day and had never fallen off. He was sad for no reason and he hated it. He didn’t know what to do about it, though. He tried to do the same things he had always done, continue his daily routines and his way of living. But it didn’t help. Because everything he had to do was just so annoying and tiring. Every meeting he had to go to, every interview, somewhere in the back of his head a little voice kept asking why. Why was he here? What was the purpose of even being here? They would arrange things nobody cared about anyway, because if they didn’t do it their fans would just move on. He knew that they would maybe be devastated for a while, but in the end they would get over it. They would get over that there wasn’t going to be this concert, or that signing, or the next album. It wasn’t like Harry didn’t enjoy the things anymore, though. It was all very strange. He still liked to sing, to make fans happy, to do what he had always done. But there was always this feeling in his stomach, that voice in his head asking why. What the purpose was. People would move on anyway. At some point he would just be a memory.  
He tried to tell himself not to look at it like that, to just enjoy the present and not think about the future like that. But somehow he couldn’t. He kept thinking about how people would forget him. He was driving himself insane with his thoughts, but he couldn’t stop it. Of course he could concentrate on something else, enjoy the concert they were giving or focus on Louis. Louis would always make him feel a bit happier, a bit more sure. Like Louis was the only sure, concrete thing he had in life. But he wasn’t even completely sure about that, because maybe someday Louis would get enough of him. Maybe someday, Louis would leave. The worst thing was that Harry understood. He could imagine why Louis would leave.  
He found himself more and more annoying. He got irritated sooner and he wondered if other people noticed it. Sometimes he said things and he realised how annoying he sounded and then he asked himself why nobody ever told him.  
He used to be perfectly fine with himself and like the way he was, but more and more he started to see his mistakes and flaws and he couldn’t believe that people called him flawless. The fans had no idea.  
He sighed and sat up, careful not to wake Louis. Rubbing his eyes, Harry climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and ran a hand through his hair. The curls were gone. Not completely gone, but he wasn’t the curly one anymore. He liked his hair like this, it looked good on him.  
The rest of his face looked terrible, though. His eyes looked dead, there was no light in them and he had dark bags under his eyes. Sleep was something that Harry really liked and wanted, but couldn’t get. It was one of the only things he couldn’t buy with his money.  
He had always been someone who didn’t fall asleep so quickly, but it had gotten worse. His brain didn’t want to shut up, the voices kept talking to him, telling him how he was going to be forgotten and reminding him of every stupid thing he had ever done in his life.  
While Louis fell asleep curled up in Harry’s arms, Harry stayed awake for hours, thinking and trying to get rid of the feelings. All he wanted to do was to go back in time, find his old self again. Find the old Harry and just be happy again.  
He looked in the mirror again and a desperate feeling overwhelmed him. He hadn’t felt it before, but it was like an enormous wave of sadness and something else came crashing against him, he had to do his best to keep his balance. It didn’t hurt physically and he didn’t know what it was. He couldn’t really stand, or walk. He slid to the ground, pulling his knees up and resting his head on them. All he wanted to do was scream. Scream at the top of his lungs, but he couldn’t because he didn’t want to wake Louis. A small, whimpering sound escaped his lips and he felt like he was about to cry. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t cry. He didn’t understand it. The voices in his head kept screaming at him and he placed his hands over his ears to shut them up. But they just continued. Hopelessly, Harry let his hands fall from his ears. He tried to take a deep breath but the strange pain inside of him didn’t allow him.  
Suddenly there was a little bit of old Harry screaming at him.  
"Are you really going to listen to voices? You’re stronger than that, Harry. You can get up and be yourself again, be me again. Don’t listen to them, don’t listen to the new you. You liked the old you, so listen to him. Please just listen to him."  
Harry nodded fiercely and got up from the floor, walking over to the sink. He let the cold water stream over his wrists to calm him down and splashed some water in his face. It worked. The breakdown, or whatever it was, was over. He still felt sad and down, but at least he wasn’t curled up in a ball on the floor, soaking in his own misery. It was what he called progress.  
He filled the glass which was placed on one corner of the sink with water and drank it slowly, concentrating on getting it all down and slowing his breathing.  
Just when he had finished the glass and placed it back on the sink, there was a knock on the door.  
"Harry, are you in there?" Louis’ sleepy voice asked. Harry felt himself become a bit warmer inside at the sound of Louis’ voice.  
"Yeah, just give me a second," Harry said, running a hand through his curls. He splashed some more water in his face and then dried it with a towel. He sent himself a smile in the mirror. The smile looked quite real, which surprised Harry. He didn’t know he was able to fake things like that so easily.  
"You alright, love?" Louis asked, sounding a bit concerned.  
"Yeah, I’m fine." Harry unlocked the door and let Louis in, who wrapped his arms around Harry immediately.  
"I don’t like waking up without you next to me," he said softly, burying his head in Harry’s chest. Harry was glad he still felt the same as he used to in moments like this. He still felt in love with Louis and he still felt quite happy, peaceful. The little voice in his head was still there, but not like normally. It was still somewhere, but it was quiet. Finally.  
"I’m sorry, I needed to use the loo," Harry said, kissing the top of Louis’ head.  
"Mmh, it’s okay," Louis yawned, pulling his head back to kiss Harry.  
Harry kissed Louis back, forgetting all about his breakdown from a few minutes ago.  
"Good morning," Louis smiled when they pulled back and Harry felt himself smiling back at the older boy, his first real smile in a while. He felt a wave of relief crashing through him; he could still smile. He hadn’t lost the ability of smiling without forcing himself. _See_ , he thought to himself, _nothing’s lost_. _You’re just a bit confused and you just have to find yourself back. You’re just feeling a bit down, you’ll get over it soon. Don’t worry too much and just relax_. He knew he was only trying to convince himself, he didn’t really believe it. Maybe there really was something wrong with him.  
"You sure nothing’s up?" Louis sounded concerned again and Harry shook his head. He had to stop zoning out to think. He didn’t want to worry Louis.  
"Yes. I’m fine," he said, kissing Louis once more.  
  
While Harry poured cereal in a bowl, his mind drifted off again. He had to make sure not to worry Louis. It would only hurt him if he found out that Harry hadn’t been himself lately. Harry knew that Louis could do just as little about the situation as Harry, so there really was no reason to tell Louis.  
He knew how it would go if he did tell him. Louis would keep worrying about him and in the end Louis would just be feeling down every day because Harry wasn’t happy. And Harry didn’t want that for Louis. Louis deserved to feel happy more than anyone and Harry wasn’t going to ruin it for him.  
"We should do something today. I mean we’re not home very often and we’ve had the last few days just sitting at home. How about we go out?" Louis suggested and Harry agreed. He didn’t really feel like going out, but then again, he didn’t really feel like doing anything at all, so it wouldn’t matter. And who knew, maybe it was a good way to take his mind of things.  
"Where d’you wanna go?" Louis asked. Harry shrugged.  
"Doesn’t really matter. Somewhere not too public because we’ll get in trouble with being spotted and stuff," he said, finishing his bowl of cereal.  
"Yeah, let’s go to the forest, take a walk or something?"  
"That’s good with me," Harry said, but actually the idea seemed less and less appealing. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to go for a walk with Louis, it was just that he didn’t want to do anything, with anyone. He felt a need to be alone. But he had also seen what being alone could do to him, the breakdown in the bathroom earlier. He didn’t feel like he needed another doze of that, so he decided to just go with Louis. Maybe the fresh air would do him good and he would feel better. Maybe not, but then he had at least done something today.  
  
It wasn’t cold, but it wasn’t warm either. It was the end of October and actually really nice weather. There was sun, but more of an autumn sun which made everything in the forest look like a painting. It was strange, but somehow the sight of the forest like that, glowing sort of magically and mysterious in the sun, the scent of the fresh air and Louis walking next to him made Harry feel calm. He still felt quite sad, quite down, but right now it didn’t really seem to matter. It was the way it was and it was okay like that. Harry couldn’t wrap his mind around what was going on inside of him, so many thoughts and feelings. It was so confusing, so stressful and tiring. But right now it was okay, right now everything was fine.  
"I love it here, with the sun like this. It’s so beautiful," Louis said, sounding amazed. Harry looked down at him and saw something in Louis’ eyes that made him jealous but glad at the same time. Jealous that Louis felt it but Harry didn’t, glad that Louis felt it and that he didn’t feel like Harry. He saw happiness in Louis’ eyes.  
"Just like you," Harry said, scanning the area to see if anybody was around and when he didn’t see anyone he slid his hand in Louis’, entwining their fingers. Louis smiled, a faint blush appearing on his cheeks. He squeezed Harry’s hand softly, which was enough for Harry to know that Louis loved the comment he made.  
"I love you, Harry." Louis said it so simply, it’s one of the things Harry loved about Louis. The way he said his ‘I love you’s’ to Harry. So simple, but so meant. He said it just like a simple fact, because for him, it was. He loved Harry, full stop. It was as simple as that.  
Harry had to do his best not to ask Louis why. Because lately Harry didn’t really understand why Louis would love him, why Louis cared about him. Why anyone cared about him. He knew he was annoying and actually very boring. He wondered why someone as amazing as Louis actually wanted to be with him. Louis could get so much better, and still he had chosen Harry.  
Harry didn’t ask, though. He knew it would hurt or upset Louis if he asked, so he just accepted it for now. Because even if you started to dislike yourself more and more, sometimes it was very nice to know that at least someone was okay with the way you were. That at least someone loves you. Sometimes it just feels really good to be loved.


	3. Chapter 3

The walk had indeed done Harry good. He had been able to clear his mind for a while and feel like the old him. Maybe not exactly happy, he doubted if he could ever be happy again, but happier than he had felt in the morning. Louis had been there to keep his mind of things, just talking and being his silly, adorable self. At one point he had felt like skipping through the forest, so he had just started skipping, not caring if people were looking at him. It had caused Harry to laugh, seeing Louis acting like that it was impossible not to laugh. Louis was so adorable and amazing, sometimes Harry still wasn’t used to him.  
Harry looked at the sleeping boy in his arms and sighed. He wished he could sleep so peacefully. Louis had fallen asleep immediately after he had curled himself up against Harry, which had been hours ago. Of course, Harry was still awake. He hated not being able to sleep, because at night the thoughts got worse. It was like he had never gone for a walk and felt like the old him. The voices in his head were back, reminding him of reasons why he disliked himself.  
He didn’t really know when it had started. Maybe after reading another article in which he was being pictured as a jerk, or maybe after reading a few hate tweets. He couldn’t remember, but one day the voices had started talking to him and they had never really shut up. The voices told him stuff that made him question himself. They reminded him of mistakes he had made in his life and they told him how annoying he was to be around. What a burden he was for people. He was just _there_ , it wasn’t like he added something to people’s lives. Maybe to Louis’, but that was because Louis hadn’t looked further. Harry was sure that Louis deserved way better than him. He didn’t deserve someone as burden and annoying as Harry.  
But to other people’s lives, it wouldn’t make a difference if he was there or not. He was sure the people would be perfectly okay if he left. Not that he was planning on disappearing from their lives, but he knew that if he did, nobody would really care. It’s something he had learned from the voices and it was torture. He hated constantly being reminded about how people would just live on with their lives if Harry left and how he didn’t make a difference. Maybe it would’ve been better to never have been born at all. It would make things so much better and easier, people didn’t have to pretend they liked him and he wouldn’t be a burden to so many people.  
Why was he born anyway? What was the point? He came on this earth, to do nothing. Be famous, sing. Make people spent their money on him. _Yes, because that was something you should be proud of,_ he thought sarcastically. He really hated this. The voices wouldn’t shut up and they just kept screaming at him how useless and worthless he actually was. What was the point in being on this earth?  
Louis, for example, did have a purpose. He was amazing. He was lovely, nice, funny, cute, adorable and kind. He understood people and listened to them and helped them if they were going through a hard time. He could make people feel better instantly, he _was_ something to this world. He added happiness to people’s lives.  
But Harry, he wasn’t. He didn’t do awesome stuff like Louis. He just was _there_. Every person Harry thought of, he could think of something that made them unique,special. Something that those people were worth living for. But him? He didn’t have anything like that. He was just an annoying person who was just there and didn’t do anything.  
The thoughts were driving Harry crazy, his head was actually hurting. _He_ was hurting. The same pain he had felt that morning was there, burning through his whole body. The strange feeling of sadness and pain flowed through his body, so strong it felt like he was choking, like he couldn’t get any air. He had to get up. He had to get out of bed and go somewhere he could breathe. Carefully, he untangled Louis’ tender limbs from him and brushed the boy’s hair softly from his forehead. He got out of the bed as quietly as he could, walking as fast as possible to the bathroom. He didn’t know why he went to the bathroom, but it felt like the best place to be alone and let his walls down.  
He looked at himself in the mirror and was actually disgusted by what he saw. He had never felt like this about himself before, but he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Why had nobody ever mentioned how ugly he looked? But when he thought about it, people had. Maybe not directly, but all the tweets and messages he had gotten about it, made it pretty clear he wasn’t wrong when he thought it. Why would people tweet it if they didn’t mean it, if they didn’t care about it? They wouldn’t waste their time on him if his appearance hadn’t disturbed them.  
He closed the lit of the toilet and sat down, holding his face in his hands. He tried to shut up the voices, to let them know that he was stronger than them and that he wasn’t going to listen to them. He knew better than them, he could fight them and get over it all. But the problem was that he didn’t really believe it. He didn’t really believe he could actually get over it. Something had broken inside of him, he had broken. He had lost himself somewhere along the way and somehow he didn’t believe he could ever find the old him back. He didn’t know who he was anymore and he felt so lost, so trapped.  
It was like all the sadness and pain was trapped inside of him, hurting him and trying to get out. He didn’t know why, but the only solution seemed to be hurting himself. He was shocked by the thought, but before he knew it he was digging his finger nail in his skin. Relief rushed through him when he finally _felt_ something. He had felt so numb, like he wasn’t sure if he could ever feel again. The pain was weirdly addicting, he couldn’t just pull his hand back. He was finally able to feel. And somehow it was actually good that he did it because if he deserved to feel anything it was pain. He dug his nail further into his skin, concentrating on the small but sharp pain he felt.  
Finally it seemed to hit him what he was doing. He wasn’t stupid, he knew that any form of delibrately hurting yourself was concidered self harm. Maybe it wasn’t as serious or as bad as cutting or burning, but he knew that what he was doing wasn’t good. He should stop. But then again, what did it matter? What did it matter if he liked hurting himself? It was a way to find out he could feel. It was a way to forget a bit of the screaming inside his head. It wasn’t serious what he was doing. It wasn’t bleeding, it wouldn’t stay visible forever, would it? The mark would probably disappear after a few hours.  
He sat there for a few minutes, digging his nail in the skin of his upper arm right above his elbow, wondering if what he was doing was actual self harm and if it was considered bad. He couldn’t really care though.  
Nobody knew what he was doing and nobody was going to know it.  
He sighed, slowly retreating his hand from where it was and rested his head in his hands again.  
The same feeling as this morning overwhelmed him again, but then stronger, so much stronger that Harry couldn’t keep it inside anymore. He stood up from his seat on the toilet and starting pacing around the room, only to sit down on the floor, his back resting against the wall. He sucked in a deep, shaky breath but when he breathed out he broke down. Tears started to stream down Harry’s cheeks and he didn’t try to stop them. Heavy sobs came out of his mouth but then he remembered Louis sleeping two rooms away from him. He grabbed the closest towel and buried his face in it, trying to silence the sobs. The towel happened to be Louis’ and the image of him sleeping so peacefully flashed through Harry’s mind, making him sob harder. Louis deserved so much better than him, Louis didn’t deserve a fucked up, not happy boyfriend.  
 _Not happy_ , Harry thought and snorted at himself in his head. _You’ve been trying to deny it the whole time, but you know the answer to all of this. You_ know _what’s wrong with you. You’re not some moron and you’ve heard enough about it in your life to know what you’re dealing with. You’re depressed Harry, you’re a depressed, useless piece of shit._  
The words of the voice made Harry sob harder. It hurt. Inside and in his head, voices were screaming at him and he couldn’t shut them out. He couldn’t not listen to them. They were right, they had been right all along.  
He was depressed, but he didn’t want to think of himself like that. He didn’t want to see himself as someone with a mental problem. He was healthy, he was _fine_ , he was just feeling a bit down.  
 _So down that you’ll never get over it, you know that. There’s no end to this feeling, why would there be? Why would a feeling like this suddenly stop? You’re stuck in this, Harry, you’re never going to get out of this. You’re useless, just being there but not doing anything in life. You have everything anyone could wish for. An amazing career with loads of money, fame, an amazing boyfriend who wouldn’t leave you in a million years, a super nice family and the best friends in the world. And still, you’re sad and pathetic, crying and feeling like shit. You’re useless and worthless, you’re ungrateful. You don’t even deserve to be alive. Everything would be so much better if you weren’t there._  
The voices were screaming at Harry now, more than ever. They wouldn’t shut up, no matter how deep Harry pinned his nail in his arm, no matter how much physical pain he tried to feel, the voices were stronger and they wouldn’t shut up.  
Harry didn’t stop crying, he couldn’t stop crying. One of the voices was laughing at him, telling him that he didn’t deserve to cry. He shouldn’t feel sorry for himself. He had done this to himself. If he hadn’t been such an annoying, irritating burden, there was no way he would’ve been feeling like this.  
Everything was so confusing, a thousand voices shouting at him and pointing out how useless he was. He believed them, but at the same time he wanted to go against them, show them he was stronger. But he couldn’t. He wasn’t sure of what he was feeling, _if_ he was feeling and he felt like he didn’t know anything anymore. He didn’t know who he was anymore, what he was doing and why on earth he was alive.  
The voices kept screaming at him for hours, and the worst thing was that Harry knew they were right. Everything they said made sense and they were just so right.  
He was annoying, he was a burden. He didn’t deserve to be here where he was, he didn’t deserve to be famous and be loved by so many teenage girls. They all deserved a better idol than him, because he was so worthless.  
He kept crying, until he was so exhausted that he fell asleep on the bathroom floor, his face still buried in Louis’ towel.


	4. Chapter 4

Harry woke up the next morning, feeling more numb than ever. At first he didn’t know where he was. He was cold, the bed he was lying on was so hard he could be lying on the floor and his face was pressed into something wet. Then he remembered everything and he sighed, getting up and stretching his back which was sore from indeed sleeping on the floor. The towel was still wet from his tears which made Harry guess he hadn’t slept that long. When he checked his watch he saw that it was only eight-thirty and he had fallen asleep around four. He sighed again, rubbing his eyes. When was he ever getting a good night sleep again? He looked at himself in the mirror, seeing a tired, pale piece of uselessness. He didn’t understand why he had to think like that again, it was only morning, but he didn’t feel like arguing with himself. Maybe the voices would shut up if he just agreed with them. He splashed some water in his face to wipe away the dried tears and to make his eyes look a bit less like he had been crying. He yawned and decided to go back to bed, maybe he could catch another few rare hours of sleep. He opened the bathroom door, noticing that he hadn’t even locked it last night and he was so glad Louis hadn’t found him on the floor like that.  
He opened their bedroom door softly, finding Louis in the exact same position Harry had left him yesterday. He felt himself smile slightly, he loved Louis so much. The boy was so beautiful the way he lied their, Harry was scared that he’d disturb him if he climbed in bed again. He stood their for a moment, watching Louis and forgetting about all his own misery. A shiver made him realise he was still just in his boxers and quietly he lifted up the covers a bit, lying next to Louis. When he let the covers fall over him and he stirred a bit to get comfortable, Louis moved closer and snuggled up against Harry.  
"You okay?" Louis mumbled and Harry wondered if Louis knew that he had been gone for a big part of the night.  
"Yeah, go back to sleep, love," Harry whispered and pressed a kiss to Louis’ forehead, wrapping his arms around the boy. He cuddled him closer and somehow he felt a bit more whole. Not completely, he still felt hurt and broken and confused, but with Louis lying in his arms like that, he felt a bit more whole. Whole enough to close his eyes and drift to the only place where the voices didn’t hunt him, sleep.  
  
When Harry woke up again a few hours later, Louis was studying him.  
"Good morning," he said when he saw that Harry had opened his eyes. Harry smiled at Louis.  
"Morning." He brought his face closer to Louis’ and kissed him.  
"Haz?" Louis asked when they pulled apart.  
"Hmm?"  
"You would tell me if something was bothering you, right?" Louis looked at him as if he knew Harry was hiding something from him. He looked concerned and worried. Harry swallowed. This was what he had been scared of. Louis wasn’t allowed to know. He couldn’t know. Harry didn’t want to worry or upset him, but there was another reason he didn’t want anyone to know. Everything had been happening in his head. So far, it had always been something in his head, something only he was dealing with. Something not that serious, something _not real_. But he knew that if he said it aloud, it would be real. He would seriously have a problem. It would all be real and it scared him.  
"Of course I would tell you," he said, trying not to meet Louis’ eyes.  
"It just seems like you’re a bit off these days," Louis said, not really dropping the subject.  
"No, I’m fine. Probably just tired and to be honest, it’s quite weird to be home again, after touring for so long," Harry replied, biting his lip. He hated lying to Louis like this, but it was for the best.  
"Okay, if you say so. But know that if there is something, I’m always here for you." See, that was why Louis was so amazing. He made sure people knew he was there for them, he took care of people. He let people know that he would listen.  
Harry hugged Louis closer and kissed him on the cheek.  
"Of course I know that, Lou."  
  
The day passed normally, but the voices in Harry’s head wouldn’t shut up. Every time he did something he noticed how annoying he was. Everything he did was pointless. Why did he watch that tv program? What was the use? Why did he talk to his mum on the phone, he was only an annoying burden. Why did he read the paper? Maybe it was news today, but in a week it would all be forgotten again.  
"Harry, could you give me your dirty washing in a minute so I can do the laundry?" Louis asked and Harry nodded. He hadn’t really registered what Louis had said, he was too busy fighting the voices in his head. They were asking him questions about life, basically asking what the point of everything was. Then they were telling him how useless he was, lying to Louis like that. Wasn’t he supposed to be a boyfriend, someone who Louis could trust?  
He hated himself for lying to Louis. He was such a cowered. Maybe, if he had told Louis, he wouldn’t have felt so bad right now.  
"Haz?" Louis asked a few minutes later, looking at him impatiently.  
"Huh?" Harry was snapped back to reality, but he couldn’t really comprehend why Louis looked so annoyed.  
Had he done something wrong? Well, of course Louis would be annoyed, and just Harry’s whole existence was kinda wrong.  
"I just asked if you could collect your dirty washing and you nodded. Please don’t nod if you’re not listening because that’s just annoying," Louis sighed.  
"Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear." Harry’s voiced sounded more uninterested than he wanted it to sound and he bit his lip, hoping Louis didn’t hear. But of course he did.  
"Well sorry for _t_ _ying to do the washing_ ,” Louis snapped, irritated at the annoyance in Harry’s voice.  
"Jees, you don’t have to overreact. I was just not paying attention to what you were saying," Harry said. He didn’t know why exactly he was saying it, but he just felt annoyed and he hated all the weird feelings inside of him.  
"Well you could just tell me if you find me annoying, I’ll get out of here in no time," Louis said, crossing his arms over his chest.  
"What the hell, Louis? I was just a bit lost in my thoughts, it’s got nothing to do with you!"  
"I’m the only person you’re living with, who else could annoy you?" Louis said. Harry stood up from the couch and stood across from Louis.  
"What exactly is your problem?" He asked, his voice closed to yelling.  
“ _My_ problem?” Louis’ voice was raised and trembling with anger. “I’m not the one ignoring my boyfriend, I’m not the one looking like I wish I was anywhere but here, I’m not the one leaving you in the night and come back in the morning!”  
Shit, Harry thought, he noticed. But why hadn’t he come and check on him?  
"Oh and you had planned on just keeping that knowledge from me?" Harry knew that what he was saying didn’t make any sense, but he couldn’t give himself away. He couldn’t.  
"What! I _asked_ you if something was wrong and you told me no, so then I believe you. I’m your boyfriend, remember. I’m supposed to trust you!”  
Harry knew that Louis was completely right, but something in him refused to just accept him. Something in him made him feel so _angry_ , he didn’t understand it, but it was there and he couldn’t stop it.  
"Don’t be such a baby, man. This is just ridiculous," Harry snorted.  
"A baby?! Since when do you argue like this? Since when are you even using stupid insults? What the hell is wrong with you?" Louis yelled, throwing his arms in the air in desperation. Harry could see tears burning in Louis’ eyes, but he didn’t pay any attention to it. He had fucked up everything. Louis hated him. He had been too annoying and too much of a burden to Louis. Louis deserved so much better than a boyfriend who didn’t even hear him when he asked for dirty washes.  
He wanted to give in and just stop the fight, but he couldn’t. The something inside of him, maybe the voices, maybe something else, kept him feeling angry.  
"There is nothing wrong with me! You’re the one making a scene of things!" He yelled back, crossing his arms over his chest.  
"Me? God Harry, shut up! Everything you’re saying is pure nonsense." They were both yelling at each other, trying to put as much anger in their words as they could.  
"It’s not! You’re just too stupid to listen to me!" Harry was blinded by anger and he knew how little sense he was making, but he couldn’t stop.  
“ _I’m_ the one not listening? What the actual fuck?” Louis yelled, he looked like he was ready to punch something.  
"Just leave me the fuck alone!" Harry shouted, feeling the tears beginning to form. He couldn’t go cry right now.  
"Fine!" Harry hadn’t expected Louis’ answer and he didn’t know if he actually liked it.  
"What?" He asked, his voice a bit softer now.  
"I’m leaving!" And just like that, before Harry could say anything else, Louis had grabbed his keys from the table and ran out of the door, shutting it with a loud _bang_.  
Harry just stood there, staring at the door. He knew there was no use in running after Louis, he would’ve been gone by now. If Louis didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t be found.  
Harry felt his knees going weak and suddenly they couldn’t hold him anymore. He more or less fell to the ground, tears streaming down his cheeks. He was such an idiot, such a useless piece of shit. Why did he yell at Louis like that? No wonder he had stormed out the door. Louis had been right to do that, because Harry had behaved like a complete asshole. He let himself cry, but the voices in his head screamed that he didn’t deserve to cry. He had let the only person that didn’t hate him walk out of the door like that. He had yelled at Louis, nonsense and stupid comments. He had even insulted him. Why did he act like that? Why did he have to be such a jerk? Why didn’t he just tell Louis he was sorry and went to get his dirty washes?  
It was because he hated himself, he couldn’t stand himself. He felt so much anger and hate towards himself, all the emotions had been trapped inside of him. And Louis’ remark had just made him snap. It wasn’t Louis’ fault, it was his own, stupid fault.  
Harry just sat on the floor, crying and hating himself. The voices were screaming again, but this time his own voice was the loudest. He was screaming above all of the other voices, letting out all the frustration and confusion he was feeling. He didn’t care if neighbours heard him, he needed to let it out.  
After the crying and screaming session, Harry pulled himself together and got up off the floor, deciding he couldn’t just sit there. He ignored the voice which asked him why, why couldn’t he just sit there, and went to his room to collect his dirty washes. He found Louis’ too and put them all in the washing machine. He felt like he at least owed Louis that. The boy had done nothing wrong, it was all Harry’s fault and still he had walked out of his own house. Harry had hurt Louis and he would never forgive himself for it.  
He wondered where Louis was and if he was okay. He knew Louis was old enough to take care of himself but he couldn’t help but worry. It was his fault if something would happen to Louis.  
Harry tried to call Louis, but it went to voicemail. Harry sighed and ran a hand through his curls. He understood that Louis didn’t want to talk right now, but he needed to know if Louis was okay.  
He wondered where Louis had gone. Probably to Zayn, Liam or Niall, but he could’ve gone to a hotel too. He hoped not the latter because than he would never know if Louis was okay.  
He called Zayn who picked up immediately.  
"Hey Harry," he sighed. Harry knew that that meant Zayn knew. So either Louis had called him, which was unlikely, or Louis had gone to Zayn’s house.  
"Eh, hi Zayn," Harry said. "I just wanted to see if Louis went to yours."  
"Yeah, he’s here," Zayn said, keeping it short.  
"Okay, good to hear. He probably doesn’t want to talk, does he?"  
"No."  
"Yeah, I get it. Eh well, tell him I’ve calmed down so if he wants to come home, he’s welcome. I understand, however, if he doesn’t want to come how," Harry said.  
"I’ll tell him," Zayn said. He sounded quite angry and Harry understood. He had messed up, big time.  
"Thanks. Eh, bye Zayn."  
"Bye Harry." Zayn hung up quickly and Harry sighed. This was living proof that he was just a burden and annoying. He messed everything up, made people upset and unhappy. Maybe the world would be better off without him. Maybe everything would be better if he died. Nobody would really miss him anyway. Maybe it would just be so much easier, not only for him but for everyone, if he just stopped living. If he died, everyone would be happy. Everything would be so much better.  
He was quite shocked by him thinking like that, but he got over it soon. The voices were right again. Everything would be so much better, for everyone, if he just died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry if the fight was shit but it's needed for the story and if you're reading this, please don't give up on it.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry didn’t sleep that night, he didn’t even try to go to sleep. He knew he wouldn’t be able to close his eyes without seeing the image of a hurt, angry Louis. He sighed, rubbing his eyes and staring at the tv. He had no idea what he was watching, but he had the sound on to hear something besides the voices in his head. They were strong and he was weak. He was exhausted of all the crying and screaming. He couldn’t cry anymore. He felt more empty than ever. He was so useless, so worthless, he didn’t belong where he was. He didn’t deserve all the fame, all the money he had. He deserved the hate he got, but certainly not the love.  
He grabbed his phone from the table, calling Louis’ number for the tenth time that night. He knew Louis’ wouldn’t pick up, but he had to try anyway.  
The phone rang a few times and then went straight to voicemail. Harry knew he had been declined and he sighed. He lied down on the couch and took a deep breath. Trying to calm himself down and shut the voices up. It didn’t work. The voices kept screaming at him and he was far from calm. He dug his fingernail in his arm again, the same place as the time before. He scratched and pressed as hard as he could, focusing on the pain. Anything was better than the voices inside his head and the pain he was feeling inside. The strange, unwelcome feeling he couldn’t place was there too. It wasn’t quite pain, it wasn’t quite sadness. It was just…darkness,emptiness. Worthlessness.  
He sighed again. He had to stop hurting himself or it’d become an addiction, a dangerous addiction. But then again, why? What was the problem with having a dangerous addiction? Why was it wrong to hurt yourself. Why was it wrong to hate yourself? He knew he shouldn’t think that way, but he couldn’t stop it. Harry now knew what he had been feeling inside of him the passed weeks. Hate. A slowly, growing hate towards himself. He hated everything he did, every move he made. He hated how he spoke, he hated everything he said. He even started to hate singing, because his own voice was so tiering to hear all the time. He hated the way he looked, his stupid hair which never once wanted to look normal, his forehead was too big and his nose was just awful. He hated his eyes, green but not quite. His skin was a weird colour and his lips were just simply ugly. He hated how tall he was, how awkward his body looked when he was standing up. His hands were too big and his feet even bigger. He hated every part of himself. Never would he be good enough, never would he be beautiful and respected. If he could pick out the ugly things on himself, so could other people, especially the media.  
He closed his eyes for a second, resting his head against the couch.  
All he wanted was to die now. To die and get out of this world in which nothing made sense anyway. There were so many people on this world, one more or less wouldn’t change anything. But it would solve a lot of Harry’s problems. Because mainly, he was his biggest problem, if he died, everything would be over and everything would be alright.  
He tried to get the idea out of his head, he tried to stop thinking about dying. He didn’t really want to die, did he? But if he said no, he would be lying to himself.  
Hours passed while Harry laid on the couch, fighting with the voices and pinching his arm, trying to stop thinking about being dead.  
It was around five am when there was a soft click sound at the door. It meant someone had unlocked it, and the only one with a key to their flat were Harry and Louis. Harry sighed in relief, happy that Louis had decided to come back. But the joy only lasted a second because the voices started telling Harry Louis only came home to pick up his stuff and leave him behind. Maybe they were right. They were probably right. Harry didn’t know what to do, wether to just stay in his position on the couch and pretend he wasn’t there, or running up to Louis and hugging him closely.  
He chose neither. He heard Louis coming in the room quietly, dropping his keys on the kitchen table. Harry sat up slowly, breathing in deeply. This might be the last time he was going to see Louis, so he’d better try to apologise.  
When Harry was sitting up, he could see Louis. Louis was standing in the middle of the room, his eyes closed and Harry could see he was talking to himself in his head. Harry just looked at Louis. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say, how he was supposed to make it right again. Louis opened his eyes and jumped at the sight of Harry.  
"Haz!" He exclaimed. "You scared me, man. I thought you were asleep."  
Relief rushed through Harry as he realised Louis’ voice didn’t sound angry anymore. He just hadn’t expected to see Harry right in front of him.  
"I couldn’t, not after what I’ve done to you," Harry said, his voice small.  
"Haz," Louis said, walking closer to Harry. "It wasn’t just you. I was just as bad as you."  
"But I didn’t listen to you and what I said was nonsense," Harry said, his voice getting thick. He stood up from the couch so that he could face Louis properly.  
"Glad you agree to that," Louis said, a small smirk lying on his lips. He brought his hand up to Harry’s cheek and brushed it. "I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you."  
"I should’ve listened to you and I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m so sorry," Harry apologised.  
"It’s okay, Harry. I just walked out of the door because I needed to cool down, I was mad at you. But I’m okay now." He rested his forehead against Harry’s and Harry looked at the ground.  
"I don’t get it though," he spoke softly.  
"What?"  
"I don’t get why you’ve come back, I was so mean to you," Harry swallowed back the tears, locking his eyes with Louis’.  
"Of course I’ve come back! I wouldn’t leave you, not in a million years! I love you, Harry, more than anything," Louis said, his voice tender and caring. He wrapped his arms around Harry, resting his head on his shoulder.  
It was the first time those words couldn’t make Harry feel better. The first time he didn’t fully believe Louis.  
"But I don’t get why. Why do you love me? You deserve so much better, Lou. Why would you wanna stay with me? Aren’t you sick of being stuck with someone like me?" Harry asked. The questions were burning through his head, through his whole body. He needed answers because he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand anything anymore. He didn’t understand why he still wanted to die. Louis was back, Louis was here and was not going to leave, he had just said so. But still the voices were screaming at Harry and still the thoughts were crashing through Harry’s mind, not giving him peace for even a second.  
"Someone like you? What’s that supposed to mean?" Louis asked, stunned. He had clearly no idea what Harry was talking about. Harry reminded himself not to hurt Louis, so not to tell about the voices or his wishes to die.  
"Just… You know, a jerk like me," Harry sighed, running his hands through his curls.  
"You’re not a jerk, Harry!" Louis exclaimed. He held Harry’s head between his two hands.  
"I am."  
"Listen, Harry. You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. You’re amazing! I wouldn’t love you so much if you weren’t you. You’re so nice and kind, funny and positive. You’re so beautiful Harry, not just your looks but your personality is amazing. Everybody has bad days and the fight wasn’t more your fault than mine. You’re forgiven, we’ve put it behind us. Don’t blame yourself now. And by the way, I don’t deserve someone better because there is no-one better. You’re the only one I want, I promise." Louis pecked Harry’s lips and Harry allowed himself to smile. He felt a bit better by Louis’ words, but he also knew that Louis couldn’t have meant them all. He knew he wasn’t amazing or wonderful. Maybe Louis believed it because he loved Harry. And maybe it was better to live in that fairytale for now, maybe it was better that someone believed you were amazing than letting them see the truth.  
"I love you," Louis whispered before kissing Harry. Harry kissed Louis back, wrapping his arms around the older but smaller boy. Their lips moved in sync and for a moment, there was peace in Harry’s life again. He forgot about how he wanted to die, he forgot about how he wasn’t telling Louis everything. He forgot about the voices and forgot about the marks on his skin he got from pinching and scratching it so much.  
He forgot about everything but Louis.  
"I love you too," Harry said when they finally pulled apart.  
"I hate fighting with you," Louis admitted and ran his hand through Harry’s curls.  
"Me too." Harry pecked Louis’ lips. Louis smiled and then yawned. They both laughed.  
"Did you get any sleep?" Harry asked and Louis shook his head.  
"Go to bed, I’ll make you some tea," Harry said because he knew Louis needed tea right now.  
Louis pecked Harry’s lips again. “Thanks, Haz. You’re really the best boyfriend I could wish for.”  
Harry smiled and felt his dimples show. Louis chuckled and poked Harry’s cheek.  
"Dimple!" He said happily which caused Harry to laugh.  
"You’re weird," he said, poking Louis’ side.  
"But you still love me," Louis grinned, poking Harry’s dimple again.  
"Of course I do! Now hop, off to bed!" Harry said.  
"Yes, sir!" Louis said and pretended to salute before marching off to the bedroom. Harry laughed to himself, pouring the water for the tea. He loved how quickly Louis and him could make up and go back to normal.  
As soon as Harry was alone, the voices returned again, telling him how he didn’t deserve Louis. Louis was better off without him. He held Louis back. Louis deserved a better boyfriend than a fucked up one. Harry sighed and shook his head, trying to get rid of the voices. But he wasn’t strong enough. They were shouting at him again, telling him that Louis only came back because it was still dark and he couldn’t see Harry’s ugly face.  
Harry poured the hot water into a mug and put a tea bag in it. The voices were still telling him how useless he was and how he should just leave now. How he should just pour the boiling water over his hands and head because he deserved to feel the pain. He didn’t do it, though. He had to be stronger than the voices. He had to get through it. He wanted his old self back. He had to keep fighting and solve his problems. He wanted to be happy again, he wanted to get out of this place.  
For a moment he felt better, for just a moment he wanted this all to be over and he wanted to get happy again.  
But then it all disappeared, because he didn’t know what to do to change it all. He couldn’t change himself. Not from appearance, not from personality. He knew he wouldn’t get out of this dark place he was stuck in. He knew that depressions were mostly temporary, that they’d pass. But temporary for how long? How long was he going to have to go through living hell every day again and again? He sighed, the thoughts were driving him crazy. He wondered how long he was going to be able to bare it. Not long, that was for sure.  
He took the tea bag out of the mug and poured some milk in the tea. He picked up the mug and walked to the bedroom, ignoring the voices in his head which told him Louis didn’t want to see him.  
Louis was sitting up in bed and he smiled at Harry when he handed Louis his tea.  
"Thanks." He took a sip and closed his eyes for a moment to enjoy his tea. Harry loved to see Louis like that.  
"Come hear, sweetheart," Louis said and patted the part of the bed next to him.  
Harry climbed in next to him, wrapping his arm around Louis’ shoulder. Louis took another sip from his tea.  
"It’s great Haz, I love you," he said and pressed a kiss to Harry’s cheek. Harry smiled without having to force himself and nuzzled his head in the crook of Louis’ neck.  
"I love you too."  
They sat like that for a while, Louis drinking his tea and Harry trying to forget everything except his boyfriend. It wasn’t very easy, though because the voices kept screaming at him.  
After Louis had finished his tea they snuggled in together, Louis said one last ‘goodnight’ and fell asleep quickly. Harry fell asleep sooner than usually because he was so exhausted, but it still took him a while. The thought of dying never left his mind.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know nothing happens in this chapter; it’s more of a filler, but it’s kind of important as a lead to the next chapters. Please be patient with this story and don’t give up on it :)

  
Time passed and Harry didn’t feel any better. Only when he was with Louis, only Louis, he felt a bit more like the old him. He felt a bit more whole, not so empty inside. Because that was how he felt most of the time. Empty, numb. Sad. But he wasn’t even sure if he was sad. He didn’t know what he felt anymore. He did feel, but not much. It rarely occurred that he actually felt something. Most of the time he just felt empty. Like he wasn’t really present in the room. Even at concerts he couldn’t enjoy himself as much as before. He used to be able to forget about the voices and all his problems, but it didn’t really work anymore. He was sad and he asked himself too many questions. Why was he doing this? What was he doing? Did people really like his voice? How could they, his voice was the ugliest he had ever heard. It wasn’t pure and soft, like Louis’. It wasn’t clear and perfect either, like Niall. It wasn’t anything, it was just there. It was there and it was a weird sound people weren’t used to. And that was why they accepted him. At the xfactor, the judges probably pitied him and put him in a boyband to make him feel better. He had enjoyed it for a long time, but now he had had enough of it. He didn’t feel like he belonged here, like he was part of it. He didn’t enjoy it, he didn’t deserve all the attention and fame. He didn’t deserve any of it. And he wasn’t happy with it anymore.   
He wanted to sit in the crowd and watch the other boys perform. Be proud of them, cry with all the girls in the crowd. Not for the same reason, but then at least he would have an excuse. Now he was just alone as much as possible, trying to make himself cry but not succeeding. It was horrible. He wanted to feel, he wanted to cry. He wanted to let out all the terrible things he was feeling, he wanted to get rid of the sad feeling inside of him. “Crying helps, it’s a way of relief,” people always said. But what if you couldn’t cry? What if your sadness was trapped inside of you and there was no way to get it out. Hurting himself didn’t work. Yes, he’d feel better while hurting himself because he could forget about everything and the voices would disappear for a second. He would be able to concentrate on nothing but the pain, and it was a way of showing that indeed he could still feel. Maybe not much, maybe only pain, but at least he could still feel.   
He had gone from pinching to scratching to cutting. Not much cutting though, he tried to keep it down even though it was really hard. He knew most people cut on there wrists but he couldn’t have Louis notice it so he cut on the inside of his thigh. Of course he did get undressed in front of his boyfriend, but he tried to make sure Louis wouldn’t see the scars. It weren’t many and they weren’t big, but still, they were there.   
He knew he shouldn’t cut. He knew he shouldn’t get addicted to it because it would only make things worse. But the thing was, he was already addicted and he didn’t think it could get much worse. He was addicted from the first cut, or maybe even from the first pinch. He knew he had to be careful, but he didn’t see the point in why. He didn’t see why he had to stop. Yes, to not hurt Louis. But what Louis didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, so Harry just had to make sure he kept it a secret.   
  
Harry avoided contact with his family and other friends beside the ones in One Direction. He didn’t really know why, but he just didn’t feel like talking to anyone, spending time with someone. He didn’t want to. He didn’t ignore them or anything, he just avoided them. When people wanted to meet up he came up with some excuse like a meeting and that he couldn’t arrange to see them. He hated himself for doing it, but then again, he knew those people were only contacting him to be polite. Because, honestly, nobody wanted to be friends with someone like him. He knew he would just be annoying them so he could better stay away.   
He knew people would have fun without him. They would be happier without him. They wouldn’t have to take care of him anymore. They wouldn’t have to pretend to like him. They would all be better off.  
He had thought many times of how things would be without him, and he knew everything would be better. In the beginning he had tried to get rid of the thought of dying, but now it was strangely comforting. He didn’t try to ignore the voices much. They were still annoying him, and he hated the feeling of going crazy. But he knew the voices were right, they were always right. And often he didn’t even know if it was his voice or other voices he was hearing. They were all telling him the same. Everyone would be better off with him dead.   
He had thought of different ways of stepping out of it, and he knew there were loads of ways. He hadn’t done it yet because there were a few things keeping him here. The band, for one. He knew they would be better and more successful if he wasn’t holding them back, but he also knew that he was part of the band. He couldn’t just leave, that would be rude and maybe there were some fans that actually did care for him. The band was one of the only things that kept him going, dragged him through every day.   
His parents and sister were another thing which kept him from taking the final steps, they had told him so many times that they loved him. He knew they cared for him in at least some sort of way, so he couldn’t just leave them. He knew his mum would miss him, but he didn’t think it would be too long. He was away from home a lot anyway, and yeah, it’d hurt her but she would get over it because he wasn’t anything special. And honestly, he deserved to die, didn’t he? He didn’t want to leave his sister, he had always felt quite protective of her and he didn’t want her to get hurt. He knew that he wouldn’t be there to take care of her anymore and she’d probably be sad after he’d committed. But she’d probably realise soon that there wasn’t a reason to be sad because her brother was a burden anyway. She never showed it, but Harry just knew she couldn’t stand him. The only thing she’d miss was the Harry from her childhood, but he was long gone anyway. So actually, he didn’t have to worry over his family too much.   
Everyone would get over his death soon, he knew that.   
Except maybe for Louis. His boyfriend. Somehow Harry couldn’t convince himself that Louis hated him. There was too much proof that he didn’t. He knew Louis loved him, and that was what made it all so damn hard. He couldn’t ignore Louis’ love because he loved him too. There was no point in suddenly denying it. He knew Louis loved him, always had. He didn’t understand how it was possible that such a wonderful, amazing boy loved him. Harry was just a boring, annoying extra thing in people’s lives, without any importance. But he knew it was real. He knew Louis really loved him. And sometimes he wished Louis didn’t, because it would be so much easier to just leave. But on the other hand, Louis kept him going. Louis kept him alive, literally. Harry couldn’t just kill himself because he knew he would hurt Louis forever. Louis would be hurt and sad. For a long time.   
But he knew that eventually, Louis would get over it and find someone new. Harry would just be a memory. And that was good, it was good that Louis would move on.   
Harry knew that he wasn’t going to hold on very much longer. He had been feeling sad for months now, and he couldn’t get better. He felt like he would never get out of this dark place. He still hadn’t told anyone because he didn’t want to bother or worry them.  
He knew Louis wasn’t going to be enough for much longer. Sooner or later, Harry would break. He would break and realise that he was never going to get better and there was only one way out. He knew it was going to happen, no matter if he tried to stop it. He didn’t even try to go against it, because he was sort of waiting for it. He wanted to die. He wanted this all to end.   
Months he had felt trapped, like all the sadness inside of him had started to pile up and at some point he was going to let it out. He couldn’t stand feeling numb and empty but sad and trapped at the same time. He didn’t know how to explain it to himself, let alone to someone else. All he wanted was to hurt himself, if not die.   
He knew he didn’t really deserve to live and he knew that everyone would get over his death and that some day he’d be completely forgotten. It was a horrible but comforting thought at the same time.   
Nothing could make him feel better. Only Louis could make him forget everything for a moment, but even that was getting more and more difficult. Harry knew there was no escape. There was no way he was going to get out of this. He deserved to feel like this. He was a horrible person who deserved to die. He didn’t add anything to people’s lives, only annoyance.   
Maybe it was time he started thinking about what he would say in his suicide note. It became something he did every evening until he fell asleep. First thinking how he’d commit and then planning the letter, sorting out what he’d say to Louis.   
It became his daily routine, his way to kill the time before sleep finally hit him. He didn’t sleep much, though. Sleep was the only place where he forgot about everything, but it came rarely to him. If he was very lucky, he’d grab four hours of sleep a night. Often he fell asleep throughout the day, cuddled up to Louis on the sofa or in the car when they were going to a meeting or a concert. Harry thought Louis didn’t really notice, Harry thought Louis thought everything was alright. Harry thought he was keeping up his act very well. But Louis knew him. Louis knew him better than anyone. And Louis knew something was wrong with Harry. He knew Harry wasn’t himself much anymore. He knew Harry wasn’t okay. At all. He hadn’t seen any of his scars, but he was scared. He was scared that Harry was hurting himself. He was scared that Harry felt horrible. He was scared that Harry was depressed. He had given Harry some time, because he knew that maybe Harry could sort it out for himself. But now he had had enough of seeing Harry sad. He wanted Harry to tell him the truth. He wanted Harry to feel better, to be happy again. He decided to, after three months, finally talk to Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, sorry not much happened here. There will be some talking done in the next chapter, though. Don’t be afraid to let me know your thoughts on this, I'd really appreciate some feedback.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter, it's probably getting darker and darker so yeah, be prepared I guess. I'm having quite a bad day so I'm sorry if it's shit. Thanks for everyone who's been reading so far, and thanks for the comments you left, I really love reading those :). Feedback is more than welcome.

  
  
  
  
"Haz, we need to talk," Louis said soft but firmly. They had just come home from a conference about their new album and all Harry wanted to do was have a hot shower and be left alone. He knew Louis had good intentions, but Harry felt really bad today. He had said some stupid things during the conference and everyone had laughed at him. They thought it was funny, but Harry felt like he had made a huge fool out of himself.  
"Can it wait, please?" Harry asked, shrugging off his coat.  
"No. It has waited for three months now and I think it's time we talk." Louis took Harry's and his coat and hung them away. Harry's mind worked quickly. Three months. Three months ago him feeling bad had started. The fight where Louis had gone away for the night had happened. He swallowed. There were two things that Louis could want to talk about. One, Harry behaving differently or, which was more likely because he was good at hiding his feelings, breaking up with him because he still hadn't gotten over the fight.  
Harry felt himself getting nervous, knots forming in his stomach. Wherever this was going, he didn't like it.  
He nodded to Louis and mumbled something which was supposed to sound like "okay" and not a dying mouse.  
Louis guided Harry over to the couch, sitting him down and wrapping an arm around him. Harry melted into the touch immediately and rested his head on Louis' shoulder.  
They sat like that for a moment, both waiting for what was about to come. They both didn't really want to talk. They were scared. Scared that something would break between them, because what they were going to talk about wasn't going to be easy. Harry felt Louis readying himself to say something, but clearly not knowing how. He tried a few times, then seemed to decide on something.  
"How are you, Harry?" Louis asked. The question surprised Harry. He hadn't expected this. People had asked him before and he always said that he was fine, just tired. If people asked him if he was okay he always answered yes with a smile. But right now, it was different. Louis didn't ask it out of politeness or routine. He asked it out of concern. Out of worry. Louis was worried about him. Because Louis cared about him. Louis loved him. And no matter how many times Harry told himself that Louis was just pretending, like all the other people, deep down he always knew that that wasn't true. Louis really, really cared about him. Harry wanted to reply with a lie, tell Louis he was fine and that he didn't have to ask. But he couldn't. He couldn't lie to Louis anymore. He was sick of the hiding, he was sick of pretending. He was sick. He knew depression was an illness and he knew he needed to tell someone. Louis knew something was going on, so why didn't Harry just fill him in? Maybe it would get better, maybe Louis could help him. And if it didn't, he could always step out of it, he could always decided to end his life.  
"Not okay," Harry sighed, closing his eyes. He felt Louis tense a bit.  
"Haz," Louis said and turned a bit so Harry couldn't rest his head on Louis' shoulder anymore. Harry opened his eyes and sat up, facing Louis. "What happened to you, Harry? Why are you so different?"  
Louis didn't sound judging, more wondering, caring. He really was concerned about Harry. Harry shrugged and tried to swallow past the lump which was forming in his throat. He didn't know what he was supposed to say to Louis, he didn't know how he was going to talk about this.  
"I don't know," Harry managed to say. It wasn't easy to speak for him. He had no idea how he was going to make Louis understand.  
"Did I... Did I do something wrong?" Louis mumbled, not meeting Harry's eyes. He seemed nervous and a bit afraid.  
"What?!" Harry exclaimed in surprise. "You think you did something wrong?"  
"Well yeah, you've been so different lately and I though maybe it was me. Maybe you fell out of love or something," Louis said so softly Harry nearly didn't hear. His heart shrunk at the words. All this time he had been feeling sad, Louis thought it was him who had done something wrong. Out of all people, Louis thought it was him.  
"No way, Louis," Harry said, his voice sounding firm. He connected his eyes with Louis' and he saw that the boy was doing his best to keep the tears inside. "How could I ever fall out of love with you? Louis, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, please don't ever doubt it. You didn't do anything wrong, it's not you. It's just me. You haven't got anything to do with it. Please don't ever think that." Harry wrapped his arms around Louis and Louis buried his head in Harry's chest. Harry kissed the top of Louis' head, inhaling the boy's calming scent.  
"Are you really sure? Because I wouldn't mind. I mean, yes I would, but I'd rather have you tell me the bitter truth than lie to me," Louis said, his voice sounded far away because he was pressed into Harry's sweater.  
"I swear, Lou. You're my everything and you've done nothing wrong, nothing at all," Harry promised and kissed Louis' head once more. Louis looked up and pecked Harry's lips, a small smile appearing on his face.  
"Then please explain to me what is wrong, because I don't understand." Louis' voice was soft and caring and Harry knew he wouldn't be able to lie to Louis.  
"I don't want to hurt you," Harry said, rubbing his hands over his face. Louis took one of Harry's hands and held it in his, rubbing small circles on it with his thumb.  
"You'll have to tell someone eventually, because I can see that whatever it is, it's killing you," Louis said. Harry flinched at the last words. Louis didn't know how literal it was. It was killing him. Harry was dying inside. But he couldn't possibly tell Louis, could he? He couldn't possibly tell Louis how he felt because it would hurt him too much. Harry would break him. He swallowed, not meeting Louis' eyes.  
"Look Haz, sooner or later I'll get it out of you. You say you'll hurt me, and you probably will. But don't you think hiding or lying will hurt me at least as bad, or maybe even worse? You can trust me, Harry. I want to be there for you." Everything Louis said made sense, and that was horrible. Because Harry knew he was going to tell it. Louis always got him to talk. Maybe it was best. Maybe it was good to let it all out one time.  
"I don't know where to start," Harry sighed eventually, squeezing Louis' hand. Louis smiled a small smile at Harry encouragingly.  
"It's alright. Just tell me how you feel."  
Harry sighed once more. When he started to speak, his voice was trembling.  
"I don't feel. I mean, I do. But nearly nothing. I feel numb all the time. And hate, so much hate towards myself. And I feel sad. I feel so sad all the time, and I'm not even sure why. But it's not a normal kind of sad, not like grief. It's painful. It actually hurts," Harry said. He tried to describe his feelings as best as possible, but it wasn't easy. Louis listened to every word and Harry could see he was processing it. He knew it was breaking Louis inside and he hated it.  
"I don't know how to explain, because I'm not even sure what I'm feeling. It's like all the sadness and anger, but also other feelings, are trapped inside of me. It feels like _I'm_ trapped, and there's no way out. The sadness is there, but I can't cry. I try so hard sometimes, because crying reliefs, but I can't cry. It's torture, Lou. Everything I'm feeling is just pure torture." Harry's voice was close to a whisper. He saw tears forming in Louis' eyes.  
"I'm so sorry," Louis said, pulling Harry into a hug. "I wish I had known sooner." Harry buried his head in Louis' chest and felt tears coming up. He didn't understand, when he was alone and wanted to cry, he couldn't. But when someone was talking to him and held him closely and he absolutely didn't want to cry, he did.  
"Don't blame yourself. I didn't know how to tell, or what to say. I'm sorry," Harry mumbled, his voice breaking.  
"Do you know why you feel this way, Harry?" Louis asked, brushing Harry's curls with his hands. Harry shook his head against Louis' chest.  
"Not really. I can't remember what caused it. I just know that from one day, I felt sad and it never went away. I am so broken, Louis, and I don't even know why. Every time I try to smile, voices start yelling at me that I don't deserve to be happy. But they're right. I don't. I am such a worthless being. There's nothing special about me and everybody hates me and nobody cares about me. I'm so useless and annoying." Harry didn't know why, but suddenly he wanted to tell Louis everything. It felt good to vent for once, to let everything out. The voices started screaming again that he was hurting Louis and that he was "really being a great boyfriend". If voices in your head could sound sarcastically, his certainly did.  
He felt Louis stiffen for a moment and he slowly pulled out of the hug, looking up at the boy who had now tear tracks on his cheeks.  
"You _do_ deserve to be happy, Harry. Try not to listen to the voices. You're strong, you can fight them. You can fight this. You don't have to feel this way, we can get you fixed. You're not useless. There are literally thousands of people who care about you. And there's me. I love you so much, Harry. Of course I care about you. And if there's one thing I know for sure it's that you are amazing," Louis said. His voice was broken too, just like Harry's. He did his best to keep his tears inside, but his eyes were watery and now and then a tear slid down his cheek. Harry wiped them away, not really knowing what to say. He really wanted to believe Louis, he did. But he couldn't.  
"That's the problem. You love me, so you don't see my flaws," Harry said. "I _am_ worthless, but you just don't see it. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve a better boyfriend, one who's not fucked up."  
"You're not fucked up! You're just broken, you're ill. We can fix you. And I do see your flaws, but I love them just as much as I love the rest of you. I have flaws too, everyone has flaws. You are one of the few people that doesn't have that many! But still, you can't see it. I'll make you see it, Harry, I promise." Louis now didn't even try to keep his tears inside and just let himself cry. Harry cried with him, shaking his head.  
"It won't work, Lou. I'm too fucked up. You can't fix me, no-one can," Harry said quietly.  
"You have to believe, Haz!" Louis exclaimed, grabbing both of Harry's hand. "You do want to get better, don't you?"  
Harry shrugged. He honestly didn't know. All he wanted was to die, actually. He felt so guilty for doing this to Louis, but he just didn't know. He didn't know anything anymore.  
"What does that mean?" Louis asked softly and Harry shook his head.  
"I don't know," he mumbled.  
"Don't know what?"  
"If I want to get better. I will always stay the same fail of a person. No matter how many people try to change that," Harry explained.  
"That's because you're depressed. It's because your mind is playing tricks on you. When you are better, you won't feel like a fail anymore." Louis was so caring, he was doing his best to make Harry see. But Harry couldn't see.  
"No. I have always been a burden, and I always will be."  
"Do you..." Louis started to say but he didn't really know how to continue.  
"Do I what?"  
"Do you want to die?" Louis prompted. Harry swallowed, not meeting Louis' eyes. He hated this conversation, he hated hurting Louis like this. He hated himself, so much.  
He nodded slowly. "Yes"  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You could see this as a part 1 of a chapter because the next chapter will start immediately where this left off.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I’m so sorry for my lack of posting. I personally hate it when it takes so long for a fic to update, so I’m sorry. I have exams coming up and my school also decided to give a lot of projects and essays just before the exams so that I don’t have any time to do anything else. But since it’s friday evening, I can manage to squeeze this in.  
> Secondly, I know it’s not very good but yeah, any feedback is welcome!

**Chapter 8**  
  
He saw Louis flinch. Louis squeezed his eyes shut for a second and then opened them again. He opened his mouth a few times, but he didn’t know what to say. Harry swallowed and felt the urge to cut coming up. What had he done to Louis? Why hadn’t he lied? He had broken the boy in front of him, he had shattered his boyfriend’s heart to pieces because of his selfish thoughts.  
"I’m sorry," Harry whispered. Louis had let go of Harry’s hands and brought them up to his mouth. Harry knew what was going to come and he wished he hadn’t said anything. He didn’t want to see Louis like this. Louis let out a loud sob, covering his mouth with his hand and trying his best to stop the tears. It didn’t work. He started crying more and more until he was nearly hyperventilating. Harry did what he always did when Louis was in this situation, he scooped up the boy and placed him in his lap, drawing circles in his back and shushing him softly.  
"Shh, Lou, calm down, baby," Harry whispered. He was crying too but not as much as Louis.  
"I’m sorry," Louis sobbed. He took a deep breath and when his voice was somewhat stable, he said, "I shouldn’t have reacted this way but I just, it’s so much to take in and I’m so sorry."  
"It’s okay. I don’t know how I had expected you to react. I hate making you feel this way, but I don’t want to lie to you either," Harry said. It still wasn’t easy to talk, but he had decided that from now on, he was going to be honest until the last word of this conversation. Louis nodded, slowly untangled himself from Harry and dried his eyes with his sleeves. Harry searched his pocket for a tissue and when he found it he handed it to Louis. Louis blew his nose and took another deep breath.  
"Sorry," he apologised again and Harry shook his head.  
"Don’t apologise. It’s me who should apologise."  
"Have you.. Have you planned anything, done anything?" Louis asked, his voice was barely a whisper, but Harry could still understand what he was saying. He swallowed thickly and stared at his hands, which were lying on either side of his legs. He hadn’t tried anything, but he had thought about it so many times. And to be honest, he had planned loads of ways. But he hadn’t picked a certain day and he hadn’t even looked if he had everything he needed.  
"Not really," was what he settled with. He wasn’t completely lying, right? Louis sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. He was still sitting on Harry’s lap, cuddled up.  
"We’re gonna get you help, Harry. We’re going to get you through this," Louis said firmly. He looked Harry in the eyes and Harry couldn’t look away. It was weird, but the idea of getting help and getting better didn’t seem to calm Harry. It didn’t seem to be a solution. He knew he was always going to be the same fail of a person. He knew even if he was better, even if he was happy again, he would never be good enough. He would never be what people wanted him to be. People wouldn’t suddenly start loving him, people wouldn’t suddenly hate him less. He would still be annoying and he would still be a burden. But he couldn’t tell Louis that, could he? He had already tried but that only caused Louis to ask if he wanted to die.  
Apparently Harry’s reply took too long.  
"Look Haz, let’s at least try. What is wrong with trying? You won’t get worse from trying to talk to someone. Nothing bad will happen if you just try," Louis pleaded. Harry knew he was right, trying couldn’t hurt. Maybe he wouldn’t get better, but at least he would’ve tried.  
He nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’ll try.”  
Louis smiled a small smile and pressed his lips on Harry’s, wrapping his arms around the broken boy. Harry kissed Louis back. Once more he realised how much Louis meant to him, how much he loved Louis. Without Louis he wouldn’t be sitting here today. He would’ve been long gone. Maybe he wasn’t going to be here for much longer, because honestly, the pain was getting too much, but at least he was here for now. When they pulled away, a question came to Harry’s mind. He had been wondering it for a while and since Louis was now fully updated on Harry’s feelings, he decided to ask it.  
"How can you love me, Louis?" Harry asked softly, biting his lip.  
"What do you even mean by that?" Louis asked in confusion. He brushed Harry’s curls with his hands and pressed a kiss to his forehead.  
"I’m such a failure, I’m so fucked up! How could you want to go on with me?" Harry asked with a soft and trembling voice and closed his eyes for a second.  
"Because I know you’re amazing. I still see the amazing things you do, and I still love you just as much as before you got depressed. I wouldn’t want someone else in a million year," Louis stated and Harry opened his eyes again.  
"I’m not amazing," he said. "And certainly not loveable."  
Louis shook his head.  
"It’s hard to explain, just accept it. Just accept that I love you and I promise I won’t let you go. I won’t ever let you go. I will say with you until the end, I promise. There’s no-one as amazing as you." Louis kissed Harry again and when they pulled apart, Harry nodded. Deciding to finally give in.  
"It’s hard to believe you, but I’ll accept it I guess," he whispered softly.  
"Good."  
Harry hated saying it, though. Because he knew that he probably wasn’t going to be there until the end. He knew that Louis thought it was all going to be better and Harry was going to be fixed, but Harry knew he couldn’t be. He was convinced that he couldn’t be fixed or healed. Maybe he was depressed, maybe he was ill, but he was still a fucked up failure and nothing was going to change that. No matter what Louis promised, no matter how many people Harry went to talk to, he knew he would never be able to believe them.  
"Harry! What are you doing?!" Louis exclaimed suddenly and made Harry snap out of his thoughts, eyes focusing on the worried face in front of him.  
"Huh?" He asked, but then he realised Louis was staring at his arm. Without realising, Harry had dug his nail in his skin at a random spot on his arm. He had been pressing really hard and then he had started scratching. He hadn’t even realised he was doing it.  
"Uhm," he mumbled, not knowing what to say. He had wanted to avoid the subject of self-harming because he wouldn’t be able to cope with Louis’ expression when he would find out. Now Louis only seemed surprised and worried, but scratching wasn’t as bad as cutting, right?  
"Show me your arm," Louis demanded. He got off of Harry’s lap and went to sit beside him so he could have a better look. Harry sighed but did as he was told. He knew Louis wasn’t going to drop this.  
He rolled his sleeve up further before showing his arm to Louis. If you had a good look, you’d see that there were tiny marks all over Harry’s arm. They didn’t stand out much, but if you paid attention you could see they weren’t natural. Louis’ eyes went wide when he saw that Harry’s arm was covered in tiny marks. He brushed them softly with his thumb.  
"Oh, Haz," he said sadly. He looked up at Harry, his blue eyes watery again. Harry couldn’t look at Louis. The guilty feeling overwhelmed him too much. He hated seeing Louis hurt, especially when he was the cause.  
"It’s okay, Louis. I just… Need to feel sometimes," Harry whispered and Louis nodded sadly.  
"How’s the other arm?"  
Harry shrugged, pulling up his sleeve. There weren’t as many marks as on his left arm, because he was right handed.  
Louis didn’t say anything, because what was he supposed to say? He just stared at the arm for a moment and then traced his fingers over the tiny marks.  
"It isn’t all you do to… To feel, is it?" Louis broke the silence. He looked up, meeting Harry’s eyes. Harry looked away immediately. He wanted to lie, he wanted to tell Louis that it was this, and only this. But he knew Louis knew already, and lying would just make things worse. Harry shook his head to confirm Louis’ worries. Louis closed his eyes shortly, taking in what it meant.  
"Told you I’m fucked up," Harry laughed humourlessly.  
"You’re not. You’re just a bit lost."  
"A bit," Harry snorted and shook his head. Louis wrapped his arm around Harry’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to his cheek.  
"Do you…do you cut?" Louis asked softly. His lips were trembling and his voice was shaky. It wasn’t easy for him to get the words out of his mouth, he was clearly struggling with the idea of Harry harming himself. Harry nodded.  
"Yes." His voice was nothing more than a whisper, but still it felt like he had shouted it. It burned through him. Louis knew. It wasn’t Harry’s secret anymore. Louis now knew how Harry sometimes spend hours in the bathroom, trying to stop himself from taking the blade and cutting his skin. How he eventually always gave in, how he couldn’t fight the voices and how he loved the feeling of relief and pain rushing through him when he cut. Louis now knew everything, Harry’s whole story. Nothing was left for Harry to hide behind, nothing was separating his real feelings and Louis. Everything, everything was out now. On the one hand, Harry liked it, because he could finally be himself and he didn’t have to hide how he felt. But on the other hand, he also hated it, because he felt more vulnerable and stupid. And, above all other, he hated how much he had hurt Louis in the past minutes.  
"Where?" Louis breathed. His arm was still wrapped around Harry’s shoulder. He was shaking, his face pressed in Harry’s side so he didn’t have to face it all.  
Harry sighed, running his hands through his curls.  
"My thighs," he shrugged. It was silent for a moment. It was clear that Louis didn’t know what to reply, and Harry didn’t blame him. He understood that Louis didn’t know what to say, because honestly, what were you supposed to say in such a situation?  
"I’m sorry," Harry whispered softly and Louis nodded.  
"Thanks for telling me," he said. His voice was thick, he clearly didn’t know how to speak, what to say.  
"Don’t worry too much, Lou," Harry said after a while, placing his hand on Louis’ head softly. He brushed the feathery soft hair slowly, calming Louis down a bit.  
"How can I not worry?" Louis looked up, big blue eyes staring at Harry. "I love you so much, I can’t stand seeing you hurt. You mean the world to me, Harry. and I can’t imagine how you feel. I feel so powerless, because nothing I can do or say will make you feel better. The only thing I can do is listen to you, like right now. I can only be here for you, but I know that’s not enough. I want to fix you, I want you to get better. But I can’t do it on my own. So we’re going to get you help, alright?"  
Harry nodded. He still didn’t believe that there was a way of fixing him, but he would give it a try, for Louis.  
"Thanks for doing all of this for me, Lou. Thanks for not giving up on me." Harry pulled Louis in his lap again, wrapping his arms around the smaller but older boy. "I love you so, so much."  
"I love you too. And as I said before, I would never give up on you, I would never love someone as much as I love you. I actually thought you didn’t want me anymore." Louis rested his forehead against Harry’s.  
"How could I not want you anymore? I promise you, Louis. No matter how fucked up or broken I am, I won’t leave you for someone else. I will never love someone else, I promise."  
"I promise too," Louis said, pecking Harry’s lips. "I promise that I’ll never, ever fall in love with someone else. Because you’re the one, Harry, the one and only."  
   They talked some more about what they were going to do, who Harry was going to talk to and when they were going to start. Louis asked some more questions and Harry answered them as best as possible. They talked a bit about the self-harming and Harry promised he was going to do his best not to cut anymore. He knew it was going to be incredibly hard, but he was going to do his best, for Louis. Louis deserved better than a fucked up boyfriend and since he had promised Harry not to love someone else, Harry was going to try to change himself. He was going to do his best to get better. Maybe, just maybe, it was possible to feel happy again. Maybe, with Louis’ support Harry would get through it. It wasn’t going to be easy, maybe it wouldn’t even work at all, but it was worth the try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for everyone who’s read it so far. I know it’s not very much or good or anything but if you’re reading this, thank you. The next chapter will take long before I update because I really have to focus on school. Sorry, but I promise it won’t take longer than two weeks.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry it took me so long to post a new chapter, I had exams so I was focussing on that. They're finished now, though. I'm going to try to update a bit more often.  
> Anyway, about the chapter, I'm really sorry if it's shit because I really don't like it but yeah. Also I'm sorry if the ending sucks, I'm really bad at writing endings.  
> Please comment your opinions on this because any sort of feedback is welcome!  
> (Also, I'm really sorry if there are any mistakes. You can always let me know if you find some and I'll correct them.)

 

In the next week, Harry went to talk to someone. It didn't go that well because he kept lying and denying. He couldn't be honest with someone he didn't even know. He kept feeling like the doctor or psychologist was judging him. Maybe it wasn't true, but he still felt like it was. He didn't feel comfortable, talking about everything. He talked to Louis sometimes, though. That helped a bit. He vented, cried, let everything out. Sometimes he just went to Louis and started crying, while Louis held him tightly and calmed him down. Harry knew Louis was doing his best to help Harry, to be there for Harry. It was all Louis could do, and Harry really appreciated it. It helped a bit, there were actually days where he was able to feel a bit. Sometimes he could even laugh and smile without having to force himself. It was hard, but sometimes it worked. Maybe he was getting better. Maybe he would slowly learn to accept and maybe even love himself. Maybe everything would be okay. He wasn't sure yet, because he still wanted to die some days, but it was becoming a bit less.  
Louis had helped Harry to stop cutting. They had thrown Harry's blades away together and they had found alternative things to do when he felt like cutting. Harry was honest to Louis and always told him when he wanted nothing more than to hurt himself. Louis was always there for him and together they went for a run, or together they went to an empty park or forest nearby and screamed at the top of their lungs. Sometimes Harry cut paper instead of himself, or he took a cold shower. He did loads of things to distract himself and he was getting a bit better. It was difficult, but Harry hadn't cut since the day  Louis found out. Together, the two of them had decided to tell the other boys and Harry's family. Louis said they deserved to know and that they would want to support Harry. Harry agreed, even though he didn't feel like hurting someone else.  
It was three days after Harry had told Louis, that Louis decided it was time to let the other boys know. He called Zayn, Liam and Niall to come over as soon as possible and an hour later they were all together.  
It wasn't easy and there was a lot of crying, but after a while all the boys knew and they all hugged Harry tightly, telling him he'd get through it and that they were there for him. Just like Louis, they just wanted the best for him and they assured him they didn't hate him. He started to believe them a bit. Maybe they didn't fake it all.  
The next day Harry called his mum and told her everything. It was a very long, difficult conversation with crying on both sides of the phone. Louis was with Harry the whole time, holding him in his arms and rubbing his back. Harry wondered how he had survived the months before without Louis there for him.  
His mum promised him that she'd visit him soon, but he didn't want her to. He felt bad for her cancelling her plans because of him. So he said he'd visit her instead.  
He visited her a week later and basically they spent the whole day hugging and some crying was done too. They talked a lot, about everything and anything, really, but a lot about how he was feeling. He was honest that day, so he told his mum he was feeling a tiny bit better than before Louis knew and he told her he had been two weeks cut-clean. She said she was proud of him and that he'd get better and that he should visit again soon. He couldn't stay that night because he had to be home the next morning for a meeting with Management.  
Harry and Louis had decided on not telling management or anyone, because they wanted to see if they could make it better without too many people knowing. They were also scared that if people from management and so on knew, it would leak out to the press and Harry really didn't want that. It was hard enough to have to deal with it as it was, he didn't need comments from the outside world. Besides all that, Louis and Harry couldn't stand their management because those were the guys who had decided it was best if their relationship stayed a secret. They were the guys who introduced Eleanor and all of Harry's "girlfriends".  
They were both used to it by now, but that didn't take away how much they hated having to keep their relationship secret.  
So, for now Harry was just going to try it with the support of his family, best friends and his wonderful boyfriend.  
  
 _"Harry Styles sleeps with over 400 girls a year."_  
 _"Pop star Harry Styles uses girls and treats them like sh*t"_  
 _Harry Styles: "I don't care about the girls, I can get whoever I want. They all want me anyway."_  
 _"How many hearts is the young pop star going to break?"_  
 _"World-famous young teenage heartthrob another girlfriend?"_  
 _"Harry Styles seen out with yet another girl."_  
 _"World-famous pop star, or heart breaker?"_  
Harry closed the tab with the google search results. He rested his head on his arm which was lying on the table. The same old feeling was returning, the trapped, empty, sad feeling was back. It had never been completely gone, but after five weeks of treatment and being cut-free he had been feeling a bit better. Until some stupid magazine had published an article about him. Articles about him were never positive, never pictured him as a good guy. Every positive self-image he had worked on the passed five weeks was crushed. It felt like he was punched in the stomach. It hurt to read all this. None of it was true. He had a boyfriend, for Christ sake. But no one would ever know. Media kept making up things like this, which were not true. If one magazine had a story like this, other magazines took it and twisted it a bit so it seemed a different story. So now there were tons of articles about him. All different, but they all came down to the same thing. Harry was not a nice person. A heartbreaker, a cheater, a horrible person. He felt his eyes sting and but he knew he was not going to be able to cry.  
He felt two arms wrapping around him from behind and a kiss was pressed in his hair.  
"What have you been reading, Haz?" Louis asked softly. Harry looked up and turned around so he could face Louis. He shrugged, he didn't really want to talk about it.  
"Nothing, I'm fine."  
"You're not. You were pinching again." Lately, Harry had been pinching a lot. It probably was because he didn't cut anymore, to at least have some sort of relief.  But most of the time he didn't even notice he was pinching, he didn't notice he dug his nail in his arm.  
"Sorry," he said, because he hated hurting Louis.  
"Why were you pinching?"  
Harry sighed and turned back to the laptop. He reopened the closed tap and showed it to Louis. Louis' lips formed in a sad smile as he read the titles of the articles, shaking his head softly.  
"I'm sorry, Harry. I wish they wrote true stuff about you instead of all this bullshit."  
"I don't understand why they want people to believe this," Harry sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. "There's so much real shit they can write about me, why do they make up stuff?"  
"There's no real shit! Harry, you are amazing, and I will keep telling you that. Don't talk yourself down because of what people say about you," Louis said. He pulled Harry up from the chair and hugged him closely.  
"I'm sorry," Harry whispered, melting into the hug. "I just hate this. I hate it when they make stuff like this up. I don't even like girls, for fuck sake!"  
"I know, I know," Louis replied. He rubbed circles on Harry's back and pressed small kisses in the boy's curls.  "Try to ignore it all. I know it's hard, but the true fans and your real friends will know it's all bullshit and it won't change their love for you."  
Harry nodded into Louis' shoulder. He didn't really believe what Louis said, but he didn't want to make it any worse. He lifted his head and kissed Louis, forgetting all his worries for a moment.  
That afternoon, One Direction had a special performance. It was a live tv performance, on a tv program which many people watched. They had done a lot of performances like these before, but Harry felt extra nervous because of all the new stories about him. Louis tried to calm him down all the way to the studio, but it didn't help much. The other boys tried to sooth him as well, telling him that nobody listened to these stories anyway and that he was going to be okay. But again, Harry couldn't believe it.  
He was more nervous than ever when he had to go on stage. As soon as he walked on, he felt like every single person in the audience was judging him. But besides that, he felt the pressure from all the people watching him on their tv’s. He was more nervous than ever, his hands wouldn't stop shaking and he felt a lump forming in his throat. He felt like he had to do this right. If he failed, even if he was only one note wrong, he wouldn't be able to deal with it. He had to show all those people that he was good at singing, that everything they wrote about him wasn't true. That if he did his best, he could be quite a nice person. He wasn't a heart breaker. He was a lot of things, but not what they wrote about him.  
He looked over at Louis, who sent him an encouraging smile. He raised his eyebrows a tiny bit, as if to say 'I know you'll do great, don't worry.'  
Harry smiled back, too nervous to actually mean the smile. The music started playing and soon Zayn began to sing. Liam sang perfectly on time afterwards and then Zayn and Liam sang the first chorus together. Harry felt like he was going to faint. His solo was next and he had to be perfect. Better than ever. He had to prove himself.  
And just like that, he missed his cue. Somehow, he had missed his cue. Maybe it was because he was too nervous, but it probably was because he just failed in everything he did. He kept singing, though. He just started a few words later, acting like he didn't care about missing his cue. He knew his act wasn't good though. People in the audience were holding thumbs up and smiling at him, but he felt like they were all being sarcastic.  
Niall was supposed to stand in between Louis and Harry, but him and Louis swapped places. Louis went to stand closer to Harry, sending him smiles which meant to say 'everything is going to be alright.'  But this time Louis couldn't calm Harry down. He was such a failure, he couldn't even sing on time. After Harry's solo, it was Louis' turn and while normally Harry would forget everything around him and be hypnotised by Louis' voice, he now let his thoughts drift off.  
The voices in his head were louder than the music, telling him what a failure he was for missing his cue. How everybody laughed at him, how everyone hated him. How this just proved the band would be better off without him. How everyone would be better off without him. His thoughts were racing, many ways of how to kill himself kept rushing through his head. He tried to get rid of it and concentrated on the music, not wanting to miss another cue. The rest of the song went well, but he hated how he had ruined it all. When the song was over, the presenter talked to them for a minute, asking them a few questions about their new album and tour. Harry was sure the guy would ask about him missing his cue, but luckily he didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, comments or kudo's are appreciated!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating I fail so badly at updating :(. Everything is written out though, so if I don't update and anyone who reads this wants an update just comment/send me a message or anything. 
> 
> About the chapter: This can be really triggering so yeah, "read at your own risk".   
> Please leave a comment or kudo's or anything because they mean a lot to me.

As soon as the boys were off stage and out of sight of camera's or paps, Harry broke down. He started crying. He couldn't stop the tears or sobs, he had to let them out. Something inside of him made him break down, he didn't care who'd see him. He needed to let it out because he felt like he might explode. Louis hugged Harry tightly, whispering soothing things in Harry's ear.   
Liam, Niall and Zayn joined the two boys in the hug, telling Harry that it was okay, that things like that happen. But Harry couldn't believe them. He had fucked up, failed. He was a fucked up failure.   
After a while, Harry had calmed down enough and him and Louis said goodbye to the other guys.   
Just when they were about to drive off, Louis’ phone rang. Sighing, he picked up.   
"Hello? Oh...Now? Can't it wait...No, it's just that now isn't a very good time...Harry is more important than her...I don't really care...What?....You can't do that!...yeah,yeah I understand...fine. I'll be there in half an hour."   
"Management?" Harry asked when Louis put his phone back in his pocket. Louis sighed again and nodded.   
"I don't want to leave you, Harry."   
"You have to. Just go, it won't take more than two hours. It never does."   
"Yeah, I know. But still..."  
"Lou, really. It's okay. Just take me home first and don't stay there too long," Harry said, taking Louis' hand and squeezing it. Louis nodded and squeezed back.   
"I love you," he said, pecking Harry's lips.   
"I love you too," Harry replied. Somehow it felt more heavy than normally. It felt more important, more emotional. More like it was one of the last times Harry would ever say it. He felt a lump forming in his throat. He didn't really know why, but he felt like he couldn't do it anymore. He somehow knew that this was going to be one of the last times he was looking at Louis like this.   
Harry moved closer to his boyfriend and kissed him on the lips. First tenderly, then more and more passionately. Louis kissed Harry back. They were both putting a lot of love in the kiss. Not that they normally didn't, but this kiss was different. It was more special, it had a bigger meaning.   
When they pulled away, Louis looked like he was about to say something, but then didn't. There was sadness in his eyes, like he had felt the same as Harry. That maybe this was the last time.   
 

Louis dropped Harry off at their house.   
"Again, I'm really sorry that this has to be now. Wish I didn't have to leave you," Louis said when Harry was about to open his door.   
"It's alright, Lou. Not your fault. As I said before," Harry replied, quickly pecking Louis' lips.   
"Don't hate yourself, alright? You were amazing and nobody cared that you missed your cue, I promise. It happens to the best." Louis smiled at Harry, trying to make him feel better. Harry nodded and smiled sadly. He didn't reply though, because he hated lying to Louis. He wouldn't feel better. Whatever Louis would say, Harry would still feel bad. He was not going to be okay, not today. But he couldn't tell Louis that.  
Louis kissed Harry one last time, he knew that whatever he would say wouldn't help Harry, so he decided to let it rest. Then Louis drove off, to a stupid meeting about a stupid cover-up who was there because some stupid people in this world didn't like two boys being in love. Harry ran his hands through his hair. He already felt bad, but thinking about Louis leaving him for a stupid meeting about his fake girlfriend made him feel even worse. He knew Louis didn't want it either, he knew Louis had meant it when he said he wanted to stay with Harry. But Harry hated the fact that their relationship needed a cover up, a fake girlfriend. He hated it.   
He went inside their house and sat down on the sofa. For a minute he didn't do anything at all. He just sat there, trying not to think. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop his thoughts. Voices were screaming at him again, they would never leave him alone. They told him how worthless he was and how much of a failure for missing his cue. They kept going on about how the media had pictured him as a womaniser and how people actually believed it. The voices kept telling him how dumb he was, how pointless it was for him to be alive. There was no reason for him to continue waking up every day, feeling like shit. There was no reason for him because he annoyed literally everyone in his life. He had fucked up the performance today, which wasn't only his performance, but also of the other four boys. He had fucked up their performance as well. Why was he even still in the band? He wasn't even good! He had an ugly voice and he fucked up everything. Nobody liked him and the media wrote so much shit about him. Nobody loved him and he couldn't blame them. Nobody _could_ love him, he was simply not loveable. He was a broken, fucked up mess who couldn't do anything right in his life. There was no point for him in staying here. All he ever did was fail. Fail and annoy people, making them hate him, making him hate himself more and more.   
The trapped feeling he had gotten used to a long while ago was stronger than ever. Pain was rushing through his body like the blood in his veins. Sadness and angst and anger were all trapped inside of him, not able to get out. He couldn't scream, couldn't cry, he couldn't do anything. But there was so much pain, so much pain and hopelessness. He couldn't feel, but at the same time he was exploding on the inside from all the emotions. He didn't understand himself, he didn't know anything anymore. All he knew was that he needed to stop thinking and feeling because he couldn't bare it anymore. He needed to find a way out because this was even worse than all the times before.   
Harry stood up from the couch and practically ran to the kitchen. He wasn't himself anymore, he couldn't control what he was doing. It was like he was in trance, driven by thoughts and needs. He opened the kitchen drawer in which Louis and him kept the cutlery. There it was, just what he needed. Scissors. He picked them up and didn't even hesitate a moment. Quickly he rolled up his sleeve and before he could think twice, he slid the scissors over his skin. The cut was deep immediately, it started to bleed. Harry concentrated on the pain, feeling a bit of relief making its’ way through the pain. It wasn't enough yet, though. He needed more. Way more. He hadn't cut in weeks, he had been clean for quite a long time. But right now that didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He started slashing his arms roughly, creating deep cuts from which blood was gashing.   
He cut and cut, like there was no tomorrow. Like there was nothing that could ever stop him. He cut like crazy, not thinking at all and just concentrating on the pain which was weirdly satisfying. The voices in his head told him how he deserved this and that he was finally, for once doing something that he should.  
After a while Harry's arms were covered in blood, but he didn't see a reason to stop. He pulled down his trousers in one quick movement and started on his thighs. He didn't pay much attention to the scars which were still there from before. They didn't mean much anymore. Before, he had always cut one or two or three cuts at the time, not more. It had been child's-play compared to what he was doing now. He wasn't thinking about how he was ruining his body, or how people would react when they saw the cuts. All he was thinking about was how he needed the pain and how this was the only way to somehow feel a tiny bit better about himself.   
He cut his thighs just like he had cut his arms, quickly and deep. Pain and relief were rushing through him, it was an amazing feeling. It felt so, so good. He couldn't believe he had done weeks without it. He felt tears forming in his eyes and suddenly he was crying, the tears dropping down on his arms and legs, making his cuts burn. He didn't care though, it felt even better.   
He heard his phone buzz from somewhere, but he couldn't pay much attention to it because he was still hypnotised by the satisfying feeling of cutting. He went on and on, making cuts deeper and making new ones. He loved seeing all the blood streaming out of the cuts, it was so beautiful in a weird way.   
He didn't know how much time had passed since Louis had gone away, but he guessed an hour or more. He knew he should probably clean up and try to cover himself. Just when he realised what he had done, just when he wondered how on earth he was going to hide it from Louis, there was a sound coming from the hall.   
"Harry?" Louis called and Harry heard him taking off his coat and shoes. Harry stayed dead-silent, scared to make a sound. He didn't know what he was going to do. He knew Louis was going to find him, he knew there was going to be no escape from this. "Harry?" Louis called again and Harry let out a silent sob, tears burning in some of the cuts on his legs. The kitchen door opened. Louis was standing in the doorway and gasped as soon as he saw Harry, sitting on the floor, covered in blood, clutching scissors in his hand. He stayed frozen for a few seconds, taking in everything. Then he came back to life. Horror was written all over his face. He ran towards Harry and knelled down beside him, freeing the scissors and throwing them in the sink.   
"Oh Haz," Louis mumbled. He wrapped his arms around the broken, bloody boy and pressed a kiss in his hair. Harry started crying again, he didn't want Louis to see him like this.   
"Shh, it's gonna be okay," Louis whispered, rocking Harry back and forth. "You'll be okay." Harry wondered how Louis could still believe that, because he himself couldn't anymore.   
"Let's get you cleaned up, come on," Louis said. There was so much sadness in his eyes and voice, Harry couldn't stand it. He was the reason for Louis being so sad. Willingly, Harry got up and let Louis guide him to the bathroom.   
They cleaned his cuts together and Harry hated seeing Louis like this. The boy was doing his best not to start crying like Harry, but it wasn't easy.   
When most of the blood was washed away and most of the wounds were clean, Louis sighed.   
"I think you'll need stitches for those ones. They're too deep." Harry swallowed. Louis was being so brave, so strong while Harry was a broken mess.   
"I can't," Harry said. He couldn't go to the doctor because he would be recognised and he didn't want that.   
"You have to," Louis said. "We'll make sure they keep quiet."   
Harry sighed and nodded; he knew there were no other options. So he went to the doctor with Louis. The doctor didn't ask many questions. Harry didn't say anything and Louis not much either. He explained briefly to the doctor what was going on and that Harry had done this to himself and that he needed stitches. Three cuts on his arms and two on his legs needed stitches. The doctor worked in silence and Louis and Harry couldn't be more grateful. They let the doctor promise not to tell anyone and he agreed, saying that it was Harry's private life and that he totally understood. That he wasn't even thinking about telling anyone, why would he?   
Louis thanked him a million times and Harry nodded politely.   
He still wasn't feeling anything. The satisfaction from the cuts had faded away and guilt was taking its’ place. He couldn't believe he had fallen so deep, he couldn't believe that all the being clean for weeks was crushed in less than two hours. But above all, he couldn't believe how much he had hurt Louis.   
  
When they came back home, they sat on the sofa for a long time, just cuddling and talking softly. Harry apologised numerous times but Louis waved the apologies away, saying that Harry didn't need to apologise to him, only to himself. He also said that he understood, there was no getting better without falling. There was no standing up without falling down. They talked for a long while, about how Harry was going to get better. Harry didn't believe a word of it though. He knew he wasn't going to get better. He was going to be stuck like this forever. There was no way out for him. It was time. It was time to say goodbye to the few last things he liked in this world, it was time to go. Time to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, comments and kudo's are always welcome :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger warning*  
> This is a longer chapter than usual but it's a very important chapter...Also I'm sorry the beginning is quite shit but I guess it gets better in the end.  
> Feel free to leave comments and/or kudo's :)

  
  
Harry woke up to find himself curled up to Louis on the sofa. It wasn't too early, so he had slept quite a long time. Louis had his eyes closed, but Harry could tell that he wasn't asleep. His breathing was too uneven and his face wasn't relaxed. He was frowning, which meant he was thinking. Harry knew what Louis was thinking about and immediately his body filled with a guilty feeling. Subconsciously, he looked over at his arm where a big bandage was covering up a few cuts. He sighed and tried to forget about it. It had happened now, nothing he could change about it. He turned a bit and pressed his lips against Louis' cheek, feeling the boy relax a bit.  
"Good morning, Love," Harry said, pressing another kiss to Louis' cheek. Louis opened his eyes and turned to Harry so he could kiss him properly.  
"Morning," Louis said when they pulled apart. He smiled and pulled Harry into a hug. "Today is a new day."  
Harry nodded. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."  
"Oh shit!" Louis suddenly exclaimed, sitting up and pulling Harry with him. "Haz, we've got an interview today." Harry had totally forgotten about that. He sighed but then smiled a bit.  
"Let's make the best of it then," he said. They had about an hour to get ready. It wasn't much use to choose clothes because they'd have to change there anyway, so they were ready soon. Harry chose some sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt to cover up his cuts and bandages. He wasn't sure how he was going to change when he got there, how he wasn't going to show his cuts to the stylist. Louis seemed to sense his concern.  
"Don't worry. We'll find a way to not show them. The boys are gonna notice anyway, I think, but we can hide it from all the other people. We can't cover them up with makeup I think, well not all of them. Just make sure you wear long sleeves." Louis might've sounded like a professional, but Harry knew it hurt him having to say those things.  
"Thanks, Lou," Harry said and grabbed a jacket. Louis was ready too, also wearing a pair of sweatpants. He was wearing a normal T-shirt though.  
  
They arrived at the studio on time with the other boys who were driving together. Apparently it had become known to the public about where the boys would be because there were hundreds of girls waiting in front of the studio.  
The boys were used to all the attention, but it was still a different experience every time. It still excited them to see all those girls waiting just to see them, but it scared them at the same time.  
Harry and Louis got out of the car, trying to look as casual as possible. The fans would already go crazy by seeing them in the same car, they couldn't risk looking like boyfriends.  
"Stay close to me," Harry begged softly and Louis nodded. Harry wanted to grab Louis' hand and hold it tightly, because suddenly he realised how he had fucked up the day before, how people were seeing him as a sad messed up failure. He remembered yesterday clearly, how he missed his cue and how stupid he had felt, and the trapped feeling came back to him. Subconsciously he ran one of his fingers over some of the scars on his left wrist. "Harry, don't," Louis whispered urgently and Harry let go of his wrist. He followed Louis through the crowd. There were so many girls, screaming their names that it made Harry dizzy. He tried to smile and keep the kind look on his face, but it wasn’t easy.  
"Harry! Harry! Haaarrryy!" Harry heard his name coming from all sides, but somehow it sounded scary, judging. As if they were all trying to remind him about yesterday, as if they were trying to remind him how big of a fail he was. As if they were reminding him how he missed his cue and that he was never going to be good enough.  
Suddenly there were girls everywhere, somehow they had broken through the security. Girls tried to get his attention, grabbing him and touching him. He was able to shove most girls off, smiling apologetically. He saw how girls were doing the same to Louis, who was getting a bit mad and going as fast as he could. Suddenly someone grabbed Harry's left arm tightly and when he pulled away his sleeve was lifted up to his elbow.  
He heard shocked gasps and quickly he pulled his sleeve down again, making his way through the crowd. People were screaming his name and he heard words like "cuts" and "scars" and "bandages". He knew his cuts had been revealed and he did his best to keep the tears inside. Louis turned around and Harry knew that Louis knew what had happened. His expression was sad and caring. Harry shot him a worried glance, he had no idea what he was supposed to do. Just walk on and pretend nothing had happened? Or nod to the fans that they had been right? He didn't know, so he searched Louis' eyes for an answer. Nearly unnoticeable, Louis signed that Harry just had to keep on going and ignore all the comments fans were making. He reached the door of the studio quite fast, shrugging off some last fans. Just before the door closed behind him, he heard a girl scream something at him.  
"Stay strong!"  
"What was all that about?" Liam asked when the boys were walking to their dressing room. They weren't alone, so they had to keep their voices low. "I thought you only had scars on your legs?" He didn't sound judging or hatred or anything, just caring.  
"Yeah, well, about that," Harry mumbled, not being able to say much more. Zayn grabbed Harry's wrist and pulled up his sleeve before Harry could stop him, revealing his fresh cuts from last night, including the ones that needed stitches. Harry pulled his arm away and rolled his sleeve down. He kept his eyes on the ground, not wanting to see the boy's reaction. He felt a hand slide in his, Louis' hand.  
When Harry peeked up again, he saw that all three of the other boys had tears in their eyes. They clearly didn't know what to say, but Harry understood. There wasn't much to be said. As soon as they reached the dressing room, Harry was pulled into a big, comforting group hug. Nobody said anything, but they didn't need to. Harry knew they cared for him.  
They were left alone to get dressed, so Harry didn't have any problems with having to hide. He knew the other boys tried not to look at him while he changed into different trousers, but it was hard for them and in the end they all had seen his cuts.  
"Shit," Harry swore when he had put on the different T-shirt.  
"What's wrong?" Niall asked, but he didn't need an answer, he could already see it. Everyone could see it. Harry's T-shirt wasn't short-sleeved, but it wasn't long-sleeved either. It came up to half over his elbow. He didn't get a jacket with the clothes because it was warm inside the building and the jacket he had warn this morning really didn't go with his clothes, so he didn't have anything to cover his cuts with.  
"I don't know what to do," he said softly, keeping his eyes on the visible part of his skin.  
"But I do," Louis said. He handed Harry a jacket. Louis' jeans jacket which he had worn to the studio this morning.  
"Just say you're really cold and that this was the only jacket you could find which fitted with your clothes. And if they try to make you take it off, just refuse." Harry put on the jacket thankfully and pecked Louis' lips.  
"Thanks, Lou."  
The interview passed by in a blur for Harry. The stylist had asked about his jacket but he said he was cold and he wasn't going to take it off. So they agreed and let Harry keep it. Harry got asked a few questions during the interview, but he didn't really know what he was talking about. He just tried to sound as if he completely knew what the subject of the conversation was and he tried to seem interested. He pretended to laugh at the jokes that were made and he tried his best to smile. Of course that didn't work well. The fact that he was wearing Louis' jacket did make him feel a bit better. Being surrounded by his boyfriend's scent always calmed him down.  
One of the last questions was directed to Harry, asking him about the rumours and stories about sleeping with all those women. Harry felt his cuts burn again.  
"People make up so much stuff, don't believe everything you read. I don't do the things people say I do. The media has a completely wrong view of me, they don't know anything about me. But there's not much I can do about it, only hope people won't let themselves be fooled," Harry answered as best as he could. Louis nodded at him encouragingly, but Harry didn't feel the little spark of hope he used to get when Louis did that. He didn't feel anything. He felt numb, and again he had to remind himself that it was time. He wouldn't be able to feel like this much longer.  
The interview went by and the boys could go home again. Louis was driving, so Harry found some time to check his phone. He opened twitter and scrolled a bit through his timeline. Many tweets were directed to him, more than usual.  
"I hope this picture is fake, but if it's real then I just want to say we love you, @Harry_Styles" read a girl's tweet. Harry opened the picture and swallowed thickly. It was what he had expected but it still hurt him to see it. It was a picture of his arm, his scars, his cuts. All visible. He scrolled further. An update account tweeted: "#StayStrongHarry and #WeLoveYouHarry and #DontGiveUpHarry are trending world wide!"  Harry went to the trends and saw that the update account was right. His eyes got blurry, he couldn't believe people actually cared about him. He couldn't comprehend it so he told himself this was all fake, something management had set-up to make it seem that people cared -  and this meant nothing at all.  
"What are you doing, Haz?" Louis asked and glanced sideways quickly.  
"Twitter. I'm trending. Well, my arm is trending," Harry explained. Louis nodded and bit his lip. Harry knew Louis hated the subject.  
He went back to his phone and clicked on his mentions. There were many supportive tweets, many girls saying that he wasn't the only one and that they did the same. Some included pictures and Harry felt like hugging every single one of the girls. Nobody except for him deserved to feel this way.  
"Why didn't you cut a little deeper so you'd die?" Harry read and it felt like he was hit in the face. There were many supportive tweets, but also so many tweets which told him to die. And that he deserved the pain. He guessed they were right.  
Then a tweet with a link to an article caught his eye. He clicked the link and read the article. It was about him, about the self-harming. It said that he was promoting it to all his fans and that he was a horrible human being. It also said that he probably felt bad because he was using all those women and that it was good that he felt bad. Harry locked his phone without giving the article another glance because it was making him feel sick.  
They arrived home and as soon as they entered the living room, Louis pulled Harry into a long and tight hug.  
"Don't let the bad things get you down, Haz. You're worth so much more than their hate," Louis whispered and Harry nodded. He didn't believe it though, and all that kept running through his mind were the negative comments and the ones which told him to die. They sounded a lot like the voices in his head which were screaming at him again, telling him that he should die. There was no point in staying alive, he was going to go through shit every day, he was going to hurt people every day. If only he looked at the number of fans he had hurt. He couldn't believe what he had done. He looked at the boy in his arms and he knew how broken Louis was. Louis deserved so much better. He shouldn't be held back by a fucked up boyfriend. He deserved someone who was happy, someone who was better for Louis. Harry knew his situation was killing his boyfriend inside and he needed to end it. He had fought a war, in his head and on his skin, but he had lost. He had lost and there was no way he was ever going to get out of it. The only way out was to die. He couldn't go through the pain every day again. He couldn't. He couldn't hurt people anymore. There was no point for him in staying alive. It really was time for him to step out of it.

The rest of the day, Harry was closer to Louis than ever. He didn't leave his boyfriend alone for a moment, just because he thought Louis deserved a good last day with him. He tried his best to seem happy and have forgotten about all the things which made him feel bad. He was acting like his old self, but inside he was more broken than ever. This was it, this was the end.  
He held Louis closely the whole day. They didn't do much, just the things they both loved doing in free time. Playing video games, watching tv, baking something and then eating it. Harry made them dinner, Louis' favourite dish and they ate together, talking about everything and anything. Bringing back memories and laughing a lot. After dinner, Harry asked if they could sing together. He had always loved singing with Louis and he wanted to do it one last time. He knew Louis didn't have a clue that Harry wouldn't be here tomorrow, but he couldn't tell him. It was better if Louis was just happy today.  
They sang a few songs and Harry caught Louis smiling all the time. It wasn't enough to make him change his mind, but it was enough to make him enjoy his last moments a bit more.  
The day passed by too quickly and suddenly it was night. Harry knew this were going to be his last hours and somehow it wasn't scaring him, but calming him.  
"Let's go to sleep, I'm exhausted," Louis said and Harry agreed.  
When they were lying in bed, Harry started to feel nervous and uncomfortable. He didn't want to break Louis, but he couldn't live on like this. Louis would get over his death sooner than that Harry would recover, so it was best if he died. He didn't want to let Louis go, though.  
He cuddled close to Louis, leaving nearly no space between them.  
"I love you, Louis. Very, very much. Promise me you won't forget," Harry said, his voice getting thicker. Louis wrapped his arms around Harry.  
"I promise. And I love you too. More than anyone. Forever," Louis said and pressed his lips against Harry's.  
"You have to remember that none of it was your fault, okay. Don't ever feel guilty for what happened to me. Never ever blame yourself." Harry's voice was firm and urgent, but there was a hint of sadness in it too.  
Louis shifted a bit in Harry's arms and locked their eyes.  
"Why are you saying all of this?" He could sense there was something suspicious going on. For one second Harry thought about telling Louis. He thought about letting his boyfriend know that this were their last minutes together, but he couldn't. He couldn't possibly tell Louis. Louis meant so much to him and he already hated himself for going to hurt the boy. Louis would try to stop Harry and that would cause even more pain.  
"I just want you to know. That's all. Just know that I love you so damn much. You really kept me alive and thank you for sticking with me, even when I was horrible to handle. You don't know how much it means to me, how much you mean to me."  
"I know, Harry. And it's okay. I love you too and you would do the same if the roles were switched around."  
Louis nuzzled even closer to Harry and Harry closed his eyes, tears burning behind them.  
"Is something wrong, Haz, that you are telling me this? Are you okay?" Louis sounded scared. He brushed over Harry's arm, where all the cuts from yesterday were visible in the soft glow of their lamp light.  
Harry nodded but avoided Louis' eyes.  
"I'm fine, Lou. Go to sleep, okay?" All the important stuff had been said. He needed Louis to be asleep so he could write a letter and then end it all.  
"You really sure?" Louis asked once more and Harry nodded firmly. He kissed Louis one last time, putting as much love in the kiss as he could. Louis kissed him back, as if he knew that this was important. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Harry would never know.  
When they pulled away after a while, Harry felt his throat close. This was the last time this would ever happen. This was the last time he had kissed Louis. This was the last time. He switched of the light and shifted so that Louis was lying comfortably  in his arms.  
"Goodnight, Hazza," Louis whispered and Harry felt Louis relaxing.  
"Goodnight, Lou. I love you. Please don't ever forget that." Harry's whispers were so quiet he doubted if Louis had heard him. He pressed a kiss in Louis' hair and then pretended he was falling asleep.  
It wasn't long before he could tell that Louis had drifted off to a deep sleep. His breathing had steadied and slown down, and he was snoring softly. Harry laid there for a few minutes, taking in everything. The trapped feeling came back to him, he doubted if it had ever been away all those months he had felt so sad. But it was okay now, because he was going to die soon anyway. It would all be over soon.  
He checked the clock on the bedside table. 23:26. Time to go.  
Untangling himself from Louis and pressing one last kiss to his cheek, Harry climbed out of the bed. He made sure he was being quiet because he couldn't risk Louis waking up, not now.  
He went to the living room and got pen and paper out. At least an hour passed before he had finished writing his long suicide note, knowing that Louis and the boys deserved as much information as he could give them. And maybe, just maybe, it was to win some time.  
Harry took out his phone and decided that the fans deserved at least something, so he typed a quick message.  
"Thank you to everyone who has ever supported me. You mean a lot to me and I love you all, very much."  
After he sent his tweet he left his phone on the table, together with the letter.  
There was nothing left for him to do, so he got up and went to the bathroom. Soon enough he had found what he needed. Sleeping pills. He had been saving them up, hiding them behind some products which neither him nor Louis ever used. He had gotten enough pills, so he was sure he wouldn't fail. It would be horrible if he failed. This was the one thing he had to do good in life. He had to make sure this went right. He opened the first pot of pills and took them all, one after another or a few at the time. He swallowed them all dry. After that he opened the second pot, but he already began to feel weird. The next pills went in with a bit more effort because his body was protesting, but he forced them down. He filled a glass of water and swallowed the pills with the water. Then, everything was gone. He didn't know how many he had taken, but he was sure it was too much to survive. Just to be sure, he opened the third and last pot. He took the first pills and he vaguely became aware that tears were streaming down his cheeks. He didn't care though. He would be okay. Everything would be okay. He would finally feel better, he would finally get rid of all the pain inside of his. It would all be better, everything would be okay. He would be okay. It would all be over, everything would be over. Finally, finally, it was the end. The end of pain, the end of him. He had never imagined that death could be satisfying, so relieving. He had never imagined that it was so easy to do, because there was no reason for him to stay. There was no reason for him to keep living. Everything would be better now, so much better. The war inside of him would end. Maybe he had lost, maybe that was true. Maybe he had failed so many times. But finally, it would all be peaceful. And this battle was one, maybe the only one, he had won.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for reading and I'm sorry I don't even know why I let Harry die.
> 
>  
> 
> -Tumblr: eversincefiveboys.tumblr.com


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is sad, i really don't know why I wrote this story but oh well.

Louis woke up early, feeling anxious, like something was missing. Something was wrong, very wrong. He didn't know what, but he felt sick of anxiousness. He was cold and only then he noticed that Harry wasn't curled up to him anymore. The anxious feeling increased and Louis climbed out of bed, remembering how Harry had been two days ago, broken in a splash of blood on the floor. He grabbed a random hoodie and put it on, practically running to the living room. He was so scared Harry was cutting again. He was so scared he'd find Harry covered in blood again, looking so lost and hopeless it hurt.  
When Louis opened the door to the living room, the first thing he noticed was that Harry wasn't there. The second thing he noticed were the phone and the envelope on the table.  
Louis grabbed the phone, Harry's phone, and unlocked it. It opened on Harry's twitter and Louis saw the last tweet his boyfriend has sent.  
 _Thank you to everyone who has ever supported me. You mean a lot to me and I love you all, very much_.  
Louis read the tweets a few times and he felt his blood run cold. He didn't know what to do. Hands trembling and lips shaking, he picked up the envelope.  
 _Louis_ it said and Louis swallowed thickly. He couldn't do this, he couldn't read it. He had a feeling that he knew what the letter was going to say and he felt sick.  
He opened the envelope and took out the letter, the long letter, in Harry's handwriting.

 

_Dear Louis,_

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm doing this to you. I know I mean a lot to you, and you mean a lot to me. But I can't do it anymore. Remember the trapped feeling I'm always talking about? It's getting stronger with the day and the voices get louder. In the beginning, I was able to concentrate on other things and ignore them, but now I can't anymore. Even being with you, which used to be my only remedy, isn't enough to make them shut up. Everything they say hurts so much, but it's all true. That's why it hurts I guess._

_I tried to get better, and for a while I really believed that maybe I could recover. But now I realised I never will, not fully. I am and will always stay a fucked up failure. I have never been good enough, for anyone. Maybe for you, but that's because you ask for too little. You deserve so much better, Lou. You deserve someone who can love you properly, who likes themselves and who treats you right. Because I love you, I love you so much, but I'm not good at making it clear and I am way too selfish. I can't give you what you deserve, I can't give you what you want. Maybe you say I can, but that's because you're too polite. You'd never say anything to hurt me. You'd lie to me about everything, just to make me happy. And that's okay, I'm not mad at you for that; I'd do exactly the same for you._

_It hurts me to leave you behind, it hurts me to hurt you. I hate myself for doing this to you and you'll probably hate me from now on. See, it only proves how selfish I am._

_The thing is, I wouldn't be able to live like this. I just can't. I have been feeling so broken and hurt for months, and maybe you're there to ease the pain, I'm sorry but it's not enough. And that's not your fault, it's mine. I can't do it anymore. I can't go through the same hell every day. I tried for so long, but I can't do it anymore. It's too much. It literally drove me crazy, even cutting couldn't help me out. I need peace, Lou. This all needs to be over, and this is the only way. No doctor, no therapist can save me. I'm too fucked up, too broken, too far in._

_I don't know how to explain exactly, but everything is just so heavy, so worthless. I am so worthless. I just feel like I'm a burden to everyone. No-one will miss me when I'm gone, maybe only you. That's why I am writing this letter. But even you will get over me, because you have to. You deserve so much better than feel sad about me. You deserve to have a life of your own, not one where you have to take care of your boyfriend and make sure he doesn't want to die._

_I know you promised you'd never love someone else, but forget about that. You have to move on. Promise me, Lou. Promise. I know you said you'd never love someone as much as you love me, but I know you will. And that's a good thing. When you see someone nice, don't think of me. Or you can, but turn me into someone supportive, who says "take your chance and don't hesitate." because you deserve that, Lou. Don't feel guilty for loving someone else, don't think I'd be angry or anything. I know you'll probably need some time to let me go, but in the end you have to._

_Another thing, don't feel guilty for not being able to save or fix me. You did best you could, and at the end of the day it's not your responsibility to make me better. It's mine. And I tried, I really did. But I can't anymore. I can't hold on. Everybody said that I'd get better, but everyone knows those were lies. Everything is just lies because honestly, I can't get better. I am a fucked up failure and I will always stay that way, no matter how much I change._

_It's better if I disappear out of people's lives, everyone will be happier without me. It might sound sad, but for me right now it's just a peaceful thought. I'm not hurting people, I'm helping them. I'm doing what they were afraid to tell me to do, I'm leaving._

_I know I'm also leaving the band behind. And that kinda sucks for you because you'll have a dead person on all your merch and records. But I know it's better this way. The music wasn't enough to save me. Nothing was. Everything is better this way. I'm sorry that the band will be ripped apart so suddenly, but in the end everything will be better because it all sounds better without me. You four match so perfectly, and then there's my ugly voice which gets too many solo's. It's horrible. And on stage I just look awkward and stupid. This is not the right thing for me, nothing is. That's why I need to go. I just don't belong here, I don't fit in. I know there'll be some fans who might miss me, if you ever speak to them, tell them I'm sorry. But that I couldn't do it anymore. They'll understand. Just like I hope you and Niall, Liam and Zayn will. I hope you guys aren't too mad at me. I hope you guys get why I have to leave._

_Tell the other boys I love them. It was amazing to experience all the fame and success with you four, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Liam, Niall and Zayn are all like brothers to me. I know they probably find me annoying and stupid, but I still feel really comfortable around them. I can always be myself and relax around you guys, and I'm sorry if I'm hurting you by doing this. Make sure you four stay friends, don't let my death be a conflict in your friendship._

_I love you all, you are my best friends._

_Tell my family I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a useless son and brother, they deserve way better than that. I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I love them, though._

_It is time for me to go. I've been holding on for months, but I've reached my breaking point. Everything I do is pointless, everything I say is stupid. There is no reason for me to stay on this earth._

_Everyone who knows me deserves better, nobody deserves to be stuck with such a mess as me. I really do good by disappearing. The pain is too much. I'm sorry Louis, but there's nothing that can make me stay._

_And it's not that you weren't enough, because you are so much more, it's just that you couldn't take the pain away. Plus I am a burden to you, I'm holding you back from moving on to someone else. I'm making it easier for you._

_Remember what I said to you, don't forget that I love you. I love you so much and I always have, always will._

_I'm sorry, but the voices are too loud, my cuts hurt too much and the sadness is too overwhelming. I need to get out, I need to stop existing. It's too painful to be alive. It's better for me to go, I will feel better dead. It's the only solution._

_I know you care for me and love me, but don't be too sad. You're amazing, Louis. You've helped me through so much. You deserve to feel happy, and that's why I'm letting you go. I wasn't making you happy with all my sadness.  
I'll wait for you, though. I'll wait until you are grown old and gray and die in a happy way, and I'll meet you again. I'll wait for you, Lou. I'll wait, even if I have to wait forever._

_I love you, Lou._

_I'm sorry._

_See you soon._

_Love,_

_Harry_

 

Louis made some strange noise, gasping for air and trying to hold back sobs. He couldn't understand what he had just read. He wanted to reread it but he couldn't figure out the words through his blurred vision. His hands were trembling too much to be able to hold the paper up. His knees couldn't hold him anymore and he sank to the ground, staring at the paper in his hands. He couldn't believe it, couldn't understand it. Suddenly tears burst through the dams and Louis was crying. Uncontrollably, hysterically, crying. Together with the tears, adrenaline and panic started rushing through him. Harry. Louis needed to find Harry. Maybe he was in the house, maybe he hadn't done anything yet. Maybe he was still okay.

Sobbing heavily, Louis got up and went to the kitchen. The memory of Harry sitting on the floor, covered in cuts and blood,  flashed through his mind and Louis started crying even harder. This couldn't be true, it couldn't.  
There was no-one in the kitchen and Louis started searching other rooms, when he came to the bathroom he prepared himself. Somehow he knew this was where Harry was going to be. He inhaled deeply, but it didn't really work because he was crying too hard.  
Slowly, he opened the door. The first thing he saw was the mop of curls on the floor. The hair he loved so much. When Louis stepped further into the bathroom, Harry's whole body was revealed. Louis swallowed. Slowly, with baby steps, he moved closer. He couldn't believe nor comprehend what was going on. The lifeless body on the floor looked just like Harry did when he was sleeping, except maybe he was a bit too still.  
"H-harry?" Louis said softly, his voice not more than a whisper. "Harry, please."  
Louis kneeled beside the body, moving his hand to Harry's throat. He pulled back as a shock reaction to how cold the skin was. Harry was never cold. He knew what this sign meant, he knew that there wasn't much of a chance left, but he couldn't believe it.  
He placed two fingers on Harry's throat, feeling for a pulse. There was none. He swallowed thickly, he couldn't cry anymore. There was nothing he could do. He felt so desperate and hopeless. He didn't know what to do. It couldn't be true. None of this could be true.  
"No," Louis said aloud, just to hear something. His voice was small and weak, like all life had been sucked out of it.  
"No," he said again, his voice a little bit stronger. "No."  
It felt so surreal, sitting there and trying to comprehend what was happening.  
"No, Harry. I need you. You can't be dead. You can't be. Harry, Haz." The last words turned into sobs and suddenly Louis was crying again. Tears dropped onto Harry's face, making it look like Harry was crying too.  
"You can't be gone, this isn't happening. This is not real. Not real. It can't be," Louis kept on sobbing. He cried and cried, screamed and whispered, never leaving Harry's side. He sat there for at least an hour, losing himself. At one point he was hugging Harry's body closely, as if he was trying to fill Harry's body with his own life.  
It was all completely surreal and Louis wasn't himself at all. He was crying and screaming all he could.

After a long while, Louis pulled himself together enough to run to his bedroom, get his phone and dial Liam's number. It was only eight o'clock, but he had no idea what he should do. He knew he couldn't just keep sitting there in the bathroom and cry for the rest of his life.  
He ran back to Harry, because that felt like the only right thing to do while waiting for Liam to pick up. He grabbed Harry's ice cold hand, because even though it was cold and it was horrible to think why Harry's hand was so cold, it was still Harry. It somehow gave Louis a tiny bit of confidence, strength.  
"Louis, it's eight am!" Liam sounded annoyed and sleepy, but Louis didn't even notice.  
"Liam, could you come over here like, right now?" Louis' voice was tiny and full of sobs. He tried to keep himself together, he tried not to cry, but it wasn't very easy.  
“What's wrong?” Liam immediately sounded awake and no longer annoyed.  
“I...Ha-” Louis couldn't form the words and he burst out in tears, clutching Harry's cold hand harder.  
“Louis?” Liam asked, alert. “Is it Harry?”  
Louis started to cry louder and nodded, then realised Liam couldn't see him and whispered a really soft 'yes'.  
“Can you tell me what's wrong?” Liam asked worriedly and Louis shook his head, even though he knew Liam couldn't see it.  
“H-he...He is...He,” Louis tried, but he couldn't find the words. He heard Liam move on the other side of the phone, probably getting dressed and finding his keys.  
“Please tell me what's wrong, I need to know,” Liam said, his voice filled with panic.  
“I can't say it aloud,” Louis sobbed, squeezing the ice cold hand harder and harder.  
“Please, Lou. Take a deep breath and concentrate, you'll have to say it eventually.” Louis did as he was told, because he knew Liam was right. He did his best to control his breathing.  
“Harry's dead, Li. He's dead!” Louis managed to say before the tears started to stream again. It was silent on the other end of the line for a while and Louis began to think Liam had hung up when he finally spoke again.  
“You're kidding,” Liam stated, disbelieve in his voice.  
“I am _not!_ ” Louis sobbed, staring at the cold hand in his. “I don't know what to do, Li. I don't know what to do.”  
“Stay where you are, I'm on my way. Don't do anything, just stay inside and I'll be there, okay?” Liam's voice was full of emotion and Louis knew he was to the verge of tears too. But he also knew Liam couldn't really believe or understand it yet, because Louis couldn't either.  
“Okay,” Louis managed to say before he hung up and burst into tears again, looking at Harry who seemed to just be sleeping, but was a little too still, a little too quiet and way, way too cold.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for reading, please comment or leave kudo's if you feel like it :)
> 
> My tumblr: eversincefiveboys.tumblr.com


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is messy but I've never lost someone close to me so I cannot imagine how Louis feels. I mean I can imagine but it can never be super accurate so I'm sorry if it's not very good.

  
Louis was still crying, curled up in a little ball. He couldn't look at Harry, he couldn't not look at Harry. It was all too confusing and so surreal it hurt. He wasn't aware of the sound of the door opening and closing. He didn't hear the hasty footsteps in the living room, he didn't register the bathroom door open. He didn't hear anything. It was like he was in his own bubble. A bubble in which Harry was dead, but Louis couldn't face reality. It couldn't be real, it couldn't be. He didn’t hear how Liam walked into the bathroom and froze in his spot, staring at the display in front of him. Louis sitting curled up in a ball, hugging his knees and making sob noises, while Harry's lifeless body was lying right next to him, as if he was asleep. But Liam didn't need any confirmation, he didn't need someone to tell him Harry wasn't asleep. He could see it, Harry was too quiet, too still. He looked too much like the dead people in a police series.   
After a while, Liam unfroze and went over to Louis.   
When Liam's arms wrapped themselves around the little ball, Louis slowly unfroze but kept crying, clutching to Liam and hugging him tightly. They sat like that for a while, Liam doing his best not to look at Harry. Louis had his face pressed in Liam's shoulder and was crying hysterically, while Liam couldn't cry. He just sat there, taking in what happened but not believing any of it.   
After some time, Liam pulled Louis on his feet, dragging him out of the bathroom.   
"Come on, Lou. We need to get out of here," Liam murmured, his voice close to tears.   
"But Harry…" Louis sobbed and tried to go back to the bathroom.   
"You need to calm down a bit. I know you think there's no reason to calm down, and I understand. And you really are allowed to cry but we have to focus on what we have to do, who to call and inform, okay?" Louis nodded and then let himself be dragged out of the bathroom to the living room. He sat down on the couch and tried to dry his eyes. He expected Harry to walk in any moment and hold him and tell him it was all okay, but of course that wouldn't happen. It was so surreal, Louis couldn't wrap his mind around it. He had been crying for so long, but more out of shock. He couldn't understand what it all meant, Harry had actually disappeared from his life from now on. But that couldn't be true. It was too weird to think about it, too strange. A life without Harry. No, it just wasn't possible.   
Liam had picked up the letter Louis had dropped on the floor and when he came to the end of it he was crying too.   
"Oh God, Lou. I can't believe any of this," he sighed, making some sort of laughing noise. Louis nodded and then shook his head.   
"Me neither," he replied. "I feel like I'm having a nightmare. This can't be happening, can it?"   
Liam sat next to Louis on the couch and gave him another big hug.   
"We're going to get through it, okay? Remember we're all here for you," Liam said before pulling out his phone and making all the necessary calls.   
  
***  
  
Louis wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers nervously. He fizzled with the button of his suit jacket, unbuttoning and buttoning it again.   
He took a deep breath and tried to calm his breathing. The chair he was sitting on was too hard and too uncomfortable. The boy he was sitting next to wasn't the boy he wanted to sit next to, he wanted to sit next to his boyfriend. But he couldn't. And this time not because management had forbidden it, but because he couldn't. Because he was sitting right here, in the very front row of the enormous room because of Harry. He was here for Harry. This was Harry's big day, Harry's last day.   
Louis swallowed, trying to get the lump in his throat to go away.   
"Are you okay, Louis? I mean, are you holding on?" Zayn asked from beside him. He put his hand on Louis' arm to show him he cared and Louis nodded.   
"Yeah, I'm okay," he said. His voice was weak, but that was how it had been the past week so there wasn't a big change. Zayn nodded and smiled at him sympathetically. It was clear he didn't really know what else to say, and Louis didn't blame him. What was there to say? _Everything is going to be okay_? No, it wasn't. Nothing was ever going to be the same again; Harry would never come back, Louis would be without him for the rest of his life. There wasn't something that someone could say to make him feel better, because Harry was gone and he wasn't going to come back.   
After a few more minutes of waiting and being nervous, the ceremony started. There were a few people who went up the little stage to say something about Harry, about his life. Harry's mum, sister, dad and step dad. Harry's best friends from outside the band, from before the xfactor. And of course Niall, Liam, Zayn and Louis . Louis didn't really know what he was supposed to say. There were loads of things he wanted to tell people, he wanted to share. But he knew that when he was going to go up on stage, he wouldn't be able to say a word. He didn't know if he was supposed to talk about Harry being his boyfriend, but he didn't really care much anymore. Harry was his boyfriend and he wasn't going to lie about it anymore. There was no point.   
When it was his turn after Harry's old best friends, he got up nervously and walked to the stage. He turned around to catch Niall giving him a supportive smile.   
He hadn't written things down because he knew he would only mess it up, he hadn't planned on anything long anyway. He just wanted to pay Harry respect, and Harry's family. They had asked him to say something, so he had agreed. He understood that they wanted him to. But actually, he wanted to be alone and say something to Harry, just only to Harry.   
“I want to start off by saying that I really have no idea what I'm supposed to say,” Louis started, his voice stronger than he had expected. “There are so many things I want to say, so many questions I'd like to ask, but it's all so surreal that I can't really think of how to formulate my sentences.   
It's been days now, but I still can't accept or believe it's really happened. I never thought Harry would actually...leave. I know he thought about it sometimes, but I thought he was getting a bit better and that he was feeling happier.” Louis swallowed, knowing that the hardest part was yet to come. He needed to say things about Harry, he needed to talk about him. He hadn't talked much in the past few days, mostly just cried. But now he needed to stay strong and focused, he needed to do his best. For Harry. Harry deserved the best, which also meant he deserved the best funeral.   
“Harry,” Louis said, directing his speech to Harry himself. Other people had done it too and he knew it would be easier like this. He could imagine Harry sitting in the front row, on the chair on which Louis himself had been sitting before. He felt his eyes go watery already. “I really think this is the biggest mistake you've ever made. I know there's no turning back, and I know now that it has happened there is nothing I can do about it, but that's what makes it the biggest mistake. You were on your way to get better, you really were. I'll tell you again, and I'll keep telling you, that you really are...were...amazing. I know you've never believed me, but I will keep telling you until you do. I know you're somewhere where you can hear or see me, so I will keep reminding you of how perfect you were. You were my world, and it's really hard to imagine a world without a world. I can't believe you're really gone and never coming back, I doubt I'll ever believe it.   
“I really hope what you wrote in your letter is true. I hope you're in a peaceful place now. I hope you are happy again, that there are no more voices inside your head. I hope the cuts on your arms have healed and I hope the pain inside you has gone away. Because you deserve that, Harry, you deserve to feel happy.” Louis' voice was soaked with tears at the end of his speech, but he wasn't crying yet. He needed to say a few last things. He didn't want to break down in front of all those people, he needed to stay strong until he had said everything that needed to be said. He looked over at where his family was sitting, a few rows behind where he was placed. They were all crying, but smiling encouragingly. He focused on the empty chair in the front row again, imagining Harry there.   
“I love you, Harry. And I am not the only one. This hall full of people isn't even half of all the people who care about you. I know you didn't believe not saw it, but it's the truth. They all love you so much. You told me they deserved better, _I_ deserved better. But I don't, Harry. Because there is no better.   
“I love you and I wish I could've build a future with you, because I know you would've wanted the same. I hope you're safe where you are now, safe from yourself and the demons inside your head. I hope you're happy now, Harry.  
“If only you could've seen how many people cared about you and how much you meant to them. If only you could've seen that you have changed people's lives and that you have an amazing effect on people. I've never been so happy as I was in the time I spent with you, Haz. You made me so damn happy. You really are amazing and I still can't believe you're gone for good.   
“I'll miss you, Harry. And I love you. Always have, always will. So, so much.” He finished his speech with a weak and trembling voice. His sight was blurry because of the tears in his eyes, but he could see some confusion on the faces of people who hadn't known Louis and Harry were together. He didn't care about them, though, he only cared that he and Harry weren't anymore.   
He stumbled to his seat, got a big group hug from the three boys and crashed down on his chair, letting the tears run free.   
The rest of the ceremony went by in a blur for Louis. He listened to what others had to say but he didn't really register it. He couldn't focus on what everyone was saying because he kept thinking it was all a dream, he'd wake up soon, cuddled up in Harry's arms.   
“Lou.” A nudge in his side make him come back to reality. “It's over. We have to go outside now. You can have a few minutes with Harry alone, in the smaller backroom over there, okay? Just wait until his family is done.” Zayn helped Louis up from his chair and guided him over to the room where he waited impatiently until Harry's family came out of the room, all crying. Louis hugged them each, not really knowing what to say. They nodded at him encouragingly, telling him to go say goodbye to Harry.   
Louis walked into the room and closed the door behind him. It was a small room with one tiny window, a few chairs against the walls and a big wooden closed coffin in the middle of the room. Harry's coffin. Louis swallowed thickly and rubbed his sleeve against his eyes, trying to dry the tears which had already flooded too much today. He walked closer to the coffin, until there were only several inches left between Louis and the big wooden thing.   
Louis had been trying to suppress one feeling the whole day. He had been trying his best not to think like that, but suddenly he couldn't hold it anymore. He burst out crying, again.   
"I'm sorry, Harry. I'm so fucking sorry. I should've seen it coming, I should've prevented it. I thought you were doing better, but you obviously weren't. I'm the worst boyfriend ever and if anyone deserved better it was you! I'm so fucking oblivious and I'm so sorry. I can't believe I let this happen to you. I should've taken care of you, I should've talked to you. I knew something was up, but I went to sleep. I fucking went to sleep because I was tired! I should've stayed up and talked you out of it! I'm so sorry I was such a bad boyfriend. I'm so fucking sorry," Louis cried, loud sobs filling the room. He had both his hands placed on the coffin to support him from not falling down. The guilty feeling overwhelmed him, it was eating him up inside. He cried for a while, trying to get rid of the feeling he wasn't used too. The guilt was so pressing, like he couldn't get any air.  
"Why did you leave, Harry?" Louis whispered after a while, his mind filling with questions he'd never get an answer to.   
"Why didn't you tell me? Why did you leave me behind? Didn't you think that I'd miss you like crazy? It's like you ripped my heart out and took it with you to wherever you are now. I can't do this. We were one and now I'm just left here. I'm supposed to go on and make the best of my life. But you were the best, so I can't make it the best anymore.   
"Why did you do it, Harry? Why didn't you just _talk_ to me? I was.... _am_ your boyfriend, for God's sake. I _love_ you. I told you I was there for you but you just ignored it. I don't understand why. Why were you so sad, what had happened to you? Why did you do it, Harry, why did you leave me?"   
He had run out of tears, he was just tired now. So, so tired of everything. He missed Harry like crazy, but he still hadn't realised that it was all real. That Harry really wouldn't come back anymore. Harry would never be there to hold him while he cried, Harry wouldn't be there to smile at Louis when he was having a bad day. Louis would never feel proud of making Harry feel proud by singing. He would never see Harry grin at him after a solo, he would never share whispers with Harry on stage anymore. They would never lie in bed for ages, just talking, cuddling and kissing. They would never watch Disney movies together again, crying in each other's arms. They would never have to lie to fans about their relationship anymore, they'd never have to hear the teasing of the other three boys anymore. They would never, ever be together again.   
Louis couldn't imagine somebody else by his side. He belonged to Harry, it felt wrong to think he'd find anyone else.   
"I promise you, Harry, I promise that I'll never, ever find someone else. I swear to you that I'll never fall in love with someone else. I swear I'll stay yours forever. I promise, I will love you, and only you. I love you, Harry and I miss you so damn much. But I promise I won't fall in love with anyone else. I promise, I swear."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for reading, comments and kudo's are always welcome :) 
> 
> Also, come say hi to my tumblr if you'd like: eversincefiveboys.tumblr.com


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said before, I don't know what it's like to lose a lost one so I'm sorry if it's not 100% accurate.

Chapter 14  
  
  
Louis was sitting on his couch, staring at the tv which wasn't even on. He was lost in his thoughts, feeling guilty and horrible. It was two days after Harry's funeral and he hadn't done anything. He had told everyone he wanted to be alone, that they should leave him alone. People had called him, Harry's family, Louis' family, the boys, other friends, but there was no-one Louis wanted to talk to. He knew they all missed Harry too, he knew no-one could be happy right now, but he also felt like nobody understood him. Harry had been his for so long, he had spent every day for three years with Harry and now he was suddenly left alone. He was still in his pajama’s, hadn't changed out of them from when he came back from the funeral. He had just sat on the couch, staring to the black tv screen and crying, thinking about Harry. Going through every memory he had of him and every memory they were still supposed to make. How many times had he imagined their wedding in the last two days? How many times had he gone ove the vows in his head, how many times had he stared into Harry's imagined eyes, only to burst out in tears because then reality hit him and he knew he would never, ever be able to marry Harry. He would never see that boy again, never.   
Just when Louis started to imagine their wedding again, the doorbell rang. He didn't really register it, though. It was like he was in a trance, not noticing any of his surroundings.   
The doorbell rang another few times but again Louis didn't notice, not really. He only heard it ringing somewhere in the background. Then the noise stopped and was followed by another noise of someone opening the door with a set of keys.   
"Louis?" Someone called his name and Louis blinked a few times.   
"Lou?" Someone walked into his living room and went to sit beside him. "Louis, I came to get you. We have to leave in an hour, we have an interview and a meeting."   
Louis registered the words slowly and he looked up, not really recognising the boy beside him.  
"God, Lou. You look terrible. Have you even slept? Or eaten?" The boy beside him didn't look that well himself, but he probably did look better than Louis.   
Louis shook his head. He didn't care. He didn't care about food or about sleep. All he cared about was Harry, who wasn't here to hold him, who wasn't here to tell him it'd be okay. Who wasn't here. Who wouldn't be here. Never.   
"He's dead," Louis said with a hoarse voice. He hadn't said anything in two days, so it was quite weird for him to speak. "He's dead and he'll never come back. He's dead and it's all my fault." Louis felt the tears coming back and he did his best to hold them in.   
"What?!" The boy exclaimed in shock and suddenly Louis realised the boy was Liam. The yel had him brought back to reality. "What did you just say? You think it's _your_ fault? It's not, Lou. It isn't. You can't think that. You can't. You hear me? Harry told you that it's not your fault. He was in pain and couldn't stand it anymore, but none of it is your fault! I understand you miss him, we all miss him, and you probably miss him most of all. You have the right to be sad, you have the right to grief. But don't blame yourself. You don't have the right to feel guilty. You can't."  
Louis swallowed thickly and cleared his dry throat before answering.   
"But I could've prevented it."   
"You couldn't. It was all Harry's choice in the end. It was a wrong choice, but it was his decision. You are not to blame yourself, Lou. Please listen to me." Liam pulled Louis into a hug and Louis started crying because he had nothing left to say. The guilty feeling was still there, no matter what Liam said. He did blame himself, and that was the end of it. Liam hugged Louis tightly and started crying too. The two boys sat like that for a while, sobbing into each other's arms. Louis suddenly realised that he wasn't the only one who missed Harry. He wasn't the only one who was left behind by Harry. Liam, Zayn and Niall and so many other people were affected too. They all missed Harry too, they were all sad too.   
After a few minutes of sitting like that, Louis' stomach rumbled loudly.   
"Now answer my questions, when was the last time you ate?" Liam said, pulling out of the hug and wiping his eyes. Louis wiped his eyes too and shrugged his shoulders.   
"Uhm the evening of the funeral?"   
Liam's eyes went wide.   
"Lou! Don't you dare do things like forgetting to eat or I'll come live with you, I swear. You really are allowed to be sad and to feel like shit, but you have to continue doing the routine things in life. Go take a shower now, I'll make you food," Liam instructed and Louis nodded.   
"Thanks Li, I know you guys are all hurt too and I am the only one acting pathetic like this. I just need some time."  
"I know, and I understand. Don't be sorry. Just take care of yourself, alright?" Liam pressed a comforting kiss in Louis' hair and helped him get up.   
Louis took a shower, enjoying the warm water and the feeling of washing off the passed days. He dried himself off and tried not to look at all the stuff that had been Harry's and he did his very best not to remind himself of that morning, when he had found Harry, lying lifeless on the floor.    
When he opened the bathroom door he was welcomed by the delicious scent of eggs and bacon and his stomach grumbled again. He couldn't believe he had forgotten to eat. He quickly walked to the kitchen where Liam was already waiting with a large plate full of eggs, bacon and toast.   
“Looks good, Li, thanks,” Louis said while sitting down at the table and taking the plate from Liam. He tried to smile but he couldn't because he remembered all the mornings that Harry had made him breakfast like this. Liam seemed to notice and sent him a weak smile. He handed Louis a cup of tea and went to sit beside him, letting him eat his breakfast in silence.   
“I can't stop thinking about how weird it'll be to go to an interview without him,” Liam sighed and ran his hands through his hair. Again it hit Louis that he wasn't the only one, that the other boys cared a lot too.   
“Me neither,” Louis said and took his last bites. “I can't even believe we have to do an interview right now.” He stood up and placed his plate and mug in the sink.   
“It's only to give the world an update, you know that. It won't be long and they won't ask anything too much. It'll just be general info for the fans. I think they deserve that.”   
“I know, and I think so too but I can't really be bothered right now. Yes, they'll miss him but maybe for like three days. He was my boyfriend, Liam. I can't remember what life was like without him and to be honest I don't want to know. I don't want to find out. I want him to come back.” Louis' voice broke at the end of the sentence and Liam wrapped his arms around him.   
“I know, Lou. I know,” he whispered and rubbed circles in Louis' back.   
"Do you think they'll allow me to wear Harry's clothes in the interview? I really want to take something of him with me," Louis said in a small voice.   
"Sure, just put them on and if they have the littlest of respect they'll allow you," Liam said and they pulled out of the hug. Louis went to his and Harry's bedroom and chose some clothes. He wore his own trousers because he didn't really fit into Harry's, except for his sweats and shorts, but he choose Harry's Ramones T-shirt and a jacket.   
When he came back to the living room, Liam was doing the washing up.   
"Li! You really don't have to do that," Louis protested and wanted to take over. Liam pushed him away gently.   
"I want to, Lou. I'm nearly finished anyway."   
His eyes went over Louis' outfit and he smiled a sad smile.   
"He loved seeing you in his clothes," he said sadly and Louis could see tears forming in Liam's eyes. Louis didn't know what to say, so he just smiled sadly in response.  
When Liam was done with the washing up, it was time for them to leave for the interview.   
The stylist immediately agreed on Louis wearing Harry's clothes, she said she understood and that Louis looked adorable in Harry's clothes. She did spend some time on Louis' face though, trying to make the dark bags under his eyes less big.   
She had to spend a lot of time on the other three boys too. Because maybe they had been continuing their daily routines, they felt the same sadness as Louis and they hadn't slept well either.   
When Louis was done with his make-up and he had to wait for Zayn and Liam to finish up, Niall came over to him. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he clearly didn't know what so in the end he just wrapped his arms around Louis and hugged him tightly. Louis melted into the hug immediately and buried his head in Niall's shoulder, trying his best not to burst out in tears again.   
"I don't know how to go on," Louis whispered softly. "I can't do anything. Everything I do reminds me of Harry and I can't concentrate on anything and all I keep thinking is that Harry is gone and I keep wishing he'll come back. I'm just so fucking lost without him. I don't understand anything anymore." Louis needed to let his thoughts out and although he had told Liam something similar he just needed to tell someone else.   
"That's normal, Lou. You just need time. A lot of time probably. You need to give it a place. But first you need to give yourself some space. It's still so early, it all just happened. You can't be over it already, that's completely normal. The first thing you need to do is pick up your life, your daily routines and from there on we'll see. Okay?"  
Louis nodded. "Thanks," he whispered.  
It was time for the boys to go to the room where the interview would be filmed. It was so weird to sit down on the couch with four, it was so weird that it actually fitted. They were so used to squeezing that there was a small empty space beside Louis. He didn't even notice until the interviewer coughed awkwardly.   
"Uhm, it'd ehm, look better if you all moved over a bit. There's some space left on the couch and it looks kinda weird now," she said, sounding embarrassed. It felt like Louis was being stabbed in the heart. He didn't know why exactly but he felt like someone was ripping him to pieces. What was this interviewer thinking? To just _point out_ that there was someone missing?   
"Of course it looks weird! We're not supposed to be with four! And we're used to squishing because there was never enough space for all five of us," Louis blurted out, his voice loud and bitter. He looked at the woman with such anger in his eyes that if looks could kill she would've been dead by now. It wasn't _her_ , it was just everything and everyone and most of all it was Harry not being there.   
The woman looked hurt, but Louis couldn't really care. All he cared about was Harry, he wanted Harry to come back.   
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that," the interviewer stumbled and Louis saw she was biting her lip. He started to feel bad for her because she couldn't help that she had to do this interview.   
"Sorry," Louis apologised and moved over a bit to fill up the empty space on the couch. "I shouldn't have said that." Zayn who was sitting beside Louis placed a caring hand on his arm and Louis sent him a sad smile.   
The interview started a few seconds later and it was by far the weirdest interview Louis had ever done.   
"So, guys. I know this must be very hard and strange for you," the interviewer started and the boys nodded. "We won't make it too long. There are a lot of rumours about Harry's death, we didn't get any confirmation yet. A day before the tragic event, we saw many scars on Harry's wrist which leads many people to think Harry committed suicide. Is this true?"   
Louis felt like he was going to vomit. They _knew_ what had happened because some stupid reporters had even been at the funeral, practically broken through security. They had seen so much, but nobody had confirmed their suspicion so now it was up to the boys. Louis hadn't noticed how his hand was balled in a fist, he hadn't noticed how the tears had started to burn behind his eyes. All he noticed was the guilt taking over again. He could've prevented it, he could've helped Harry. Louis felt an arm wrap around him and he looked up, seeing Zayn sending him comforting looks.   
"Eh...yes," Liam swallowed and Louis had to do his best to suppress a sob. This interview was going horrible.   
"So sorry to hear that," the interviewer said sadly. She seemed genuinely sad, but Louis couldn't stand it. She hadn't known Harry, she didn't know a thing about it all.   
"Of course there are many unanswered questions from fans, but we're not going to go into that now. Our thoughts are with you, Harry's family and friends and of course with his fans."   
"Thanks," Zayn muttered and tried to smile while Louis felt the tears pressing behind his eyes. He was never going to be able to not cry during this interview.   
"Okay, so, there are many rumours about you, Louis," the woman changed the subject and stared directly at Louis. He gulped, knowing where this was going. At first he was scared, but then he realised that there was literally nothing to lose.   
"Yeah?" He asked, sitting up a bit more straight.   
"Apparently, your speech at Harry's funeral was very different from the rest, because apparently you confessed your love for him," the interviewer said and Louis did his best not to burst out in hysterical laughter.   
"I did," he said without hesitating. "But it wasn't like he didn't know. It wasn't like it was my big secret and now that he's gone it's too late. He knew, oh how he knew. He knew and he loved me too and we've been together for three years now." Louis' voice broke at the end and he couldn't hold in the tears anymore. He began to cry and he saw the interviewer staring at him, not believing Harry and Louis had really been in a relationship.   
"Seriously?" She asked in disbelieve. Louis couldn't reply because his throat was full of tears.   
"Would he actually lie about this? Would he try to pull a prank right freaking now? You have to be kidding me!" Niall exclaimed and reached over Liam and Zayn so he could grab Louis' arm and squeeze it gently.   
"Sorry," the woman said. "It must be so hard for you, Louis. I'm so sorry and I'm sure all your fans are too."   
"I know they're here for me and I really appreciate that. Our fans are really amazing because this is a really tough time. I really appreciate it and together we'll get through this. I just wish... I just wish he'd come back," Louis whispered the last bit and hid his face in his hands, tried to stop crying but that only resulted in more crying.   
"There's one last question," the woman went on, as if there wasn't one broken band member and boyfriend of a dead band member crying in the corner of the couch. "Is One Direction going to continue as a band?"   
"We're going to at least bring out our next album because that's already fully recorded. But after that, we're not sure," Liam said.   
Lifting his head, Louis looked up.   
"He wanted us to. He wanted us to continue. But I don't know if we can, I mean this interview already feels so wrong, I don't know how things will go without him," Louis said, his voice soaked with tears.   
Zayn pulled Louis into a tight hug and Louis felt arms wrapping around him from the other boys.   
"Well, I know that whatever you'll chose, it will be wise and the fans will agree with your choices. Another interview will follow in a few days where you'll reply to questions of fans. I wish you guys the best, I'm sure everyone does. Stay strong through all of this, okay?"   
The boys pulled out of the hug and nodded to the woman.   
"Thank you," Niall said softly.   
"Also, we want to say the same to the fans. We know Harry meant a lot to all of you and we want you to know that you meant the same to him. He loved all of you," Liam said, looking directly in the camera. Louis cleared his throat to get his voice back a bit.   
"H-he said, well...wrote actually, that I had to tell you guys he was sorry and that he loved you. Harry was in a lot of pain and of course death is never an option, he made the wrong choice, but there was reason why he made that choice. He didn't want to hurt any of you, or of us, or me. He just wanted the pain to stop. It's never a solution to kill yourself, because there will always be another way. He didn't know that, didn't believe that. Harry was lost, ill. He was too confused to see that there were other ways. Please, please if any of you feel the same way Harry did, never think about choosing this option. Talk to someone, get help, because you can get better, you _can_ feel happy again. I will miss Harry forever and I know many of you fans will too. But even though Harry might not be here right now, I know he loves me and he'll never stop loving me. Same goes for you. Harry loved all of his fans very much and I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's still loving all of you." Louis was surprised that he had been able to stay so calm, that he hadn't burst out in tears. He had been able to send the message across without making a fool out of himself. Since the day Harry died, Louis had been worried that fans would follow his example because he knew there were fans who were very depressed. Now he had finally been able to say what he had wanted to say for days and he hadn't even cried. He was proud of himself. For the first time in days, he felt something different to all the guilt. He actually felt good for a second.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for reading, don't hesitate to leave kudo's or comments or stop by at my tumblr: eversincefiveboys.tumblr.com.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so so sorry for never updating :(. I was so busy because I had this theatre play and I had a lot of rehearsals and I was also ill so it was all kinda hectic and I forgot to upload a new chapter :(. Please note that I have everything written out but that I'm just stupid and forget to update, so if you want a new update just let me know and I'll update.   
> Also don't be afraid to comment and leave kudo's because that really makes me happy.   
> Hope this chapter is okay, more things will happen in the next chapter though :).

A few weeks passed and instead of getting better, Louis got worse. He tried his best to keep up with his normal routines and he tried to look a bit happy when they were doing interviews. But he still burst out in tears at the mention of Harry's name, or he just shot down completely, not reacting to anything. Liam, Zayn and Niall had begun to avoid Harry's name and most of the time it was easier to pretend Harry had never been alive. Because if they acted like Harry was missing, Louis would lose it. He would either start crying or retreat in his self, shutting out the outside world. He could go on for days like that. It was hard for the other boys too, but somehow they found a way to deal with it and Louis clearly didn't. They had called doctors and specialist but all they had said was that Louis would need time. Louis refused to go talk to someone because he didn't want to share his thoughts with someone who hadn't known Harry the way he had. He didn't know how to deal with it, to deal with the weighing guilt pressing on his shoulders, but he wasn't going to admit that because he didn't want to tell anyone he felt so guilty. After he had tried to tell Liam, he had avoided the subject because nobody would understand anyway.

Louis' house felt cold and empty and he hated being in there. But there was no use in going anywhere else because wherever he was, he was always thinking about how much he missed Harry. How different it would've been if Harry had been there too.

 It was the day of the album release, the last album with Harry's voice on it. The boys had asked the fans what they wanted, continue the band without Harry, or stop? Some of the fans wanted the boys to continue because it was what Harry would've wanted, but most fans told the boys that there couldn't be a One Direction without Harry. So, today, with their final answer, the boys were going to announce that One Direction was over. It was a live interview and Louis hated live interviews because the whole world was able to see him. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to say anything to prevent him from crying. He was just going to be there and say sorry and then he'd finally be able to go away.

The interview was heavy and difficult. Liam and Zayn did most of the talking, saying that it was better to stop than to force it. They explained that maybe, somewhere in the future, they'd try again. But for now, it was over. No Harry, no One Direction. As simple as that. Louis bit his lip throughout the whole interview, trying not to cry. There were questions and comments directed towards him because by now the whole world knew Harry and Louis had been in a relationship. But Louis answered with quick, brief answers because he didn't want to cry anymore.  People still hadn't gotten over the fact that Harry and Louis had been in a relationship for so long, but there weren't many rude comments because Louis had already gone through enough to write a book.

The boys presented their new album and talked about it for a moment, but all Louis could think about was Harry's voice on the cd. How he was never going to hear it live again. How things like this were the only things left of Harry. Posters, pictures, video's, interviews, music and memories. Louis probably had more to look back at than most people had when one of their loved ones died, but it still wasn't enough. He needed Harry, not pictures. He needed his boyfriend, not memories.

The image of Harry lying lifeless on the bathroom floor next to an empty pot of pills kept flashing through Louis' head. He did his best not to think about it, but he couldn't. The guilt was getting the best of him again and Louis felt the weight on his shoulders press him down. He wondered how long he was going to be able to keep up with this. He knew he needed to talk to someone about it, but h felt like no-one would understand. He didn't want to bother the boys or his family with it because they all had their own pain. He didn't need them to carry his as well.   
The boys ended the interview with telling that they would still do their world tour, as a tribute to Harry and because there were fans who had never seen them live before and they had spent so much money on the boys. It had been a hard decision to make, but in the end they knew this was the best. Louis couldn't stand the idea, though. Touring the world without Harry. It was unimaginable. From the start, from their very first tour, they had always been together. And now Louis had to face it on his own. He wasn't ready for it. He needed time. He needed to get out of this place, away from it all to clear his head. To think. To learn to live with the guilt.

As soon as the interview was over, Louis got his phone out and went to the airlines website. If he hurried, he could still catch a flight tonight. A flight to somewhere far away, somewhere him and Harry had never been, but they'd always wanted to go. They had planned that their first holiday after everyone knew about them would be there.  
"What are you doing?" Liam's voice made Louis jump a little. Not that he had wanted to sneak away, but he just hadn't expected Liam to stand behind him so suddenly.   
"Looking at flights," Louis answered honestly.   
"Why?"   
"Because I need to get out of here, like now," Louis sighed. He ran his hands through his hair, remembering how Harry used to do that for him. Liam gave him a surprised look, but soon it changed to understanding.   
"Where are you going?" Louis was glad that Liam didn't try to keep him here.   
"San Francisco," Louis said and showed Liam his phone, which showed a flight in a few hours.   
"How long?" Liam asked, motioning Zayn and Niall over who were talking to someone on the other side of the room.   
"Don't know yet. Until I feel ready to come back."   
"What's going on?" Zayn asked when he and Niall joined Liam and Louis.   
"Time to say goodbye," Liam explained. "Louis is leaving for America in a few hours."   
Louis explained it to Niall and Zayn who nodded and understood.   
"Do contact us, okay? Keep in touch," Niall said.   
"Of course!"   
Louis said goodbye to the boys, hugging each of them tightly.   
"I know you guys are going through the same, and I'm sorry for leaving you, but I just really need to get out of here," Louis mumbled, staring at his feet. He hated saying goodbye.   
"It's okay, Lou. Everybody deals with it in a different way. Just don't stay away too long and don't forget to contact us once in a while. And your family, of course," Zayn said and Louis nodded.   
"I will, don't worry. Thanks guys, love you." Louis pulled them into a group hug.

 Then Louis headed home and while he started packing he called his mum. He told her that he had to leave and she said she understood.  They talked for a while, and Louis refused to cry over the phone. He promised his mum he'd call at least once a week and she promised him he'd be okay.

Louis packed enough clothes for at least two weeks. He took his own trousers and a few of his shirts, but mostly he was going through Harry's closet, choosing T-shirts and jackets and hoodies. Harry's style wasn't really the same as Louis', but Louis couldn't care less. He loved Harry's clothes and he'd wear them just as much as his own clothes because they made him feel as close as possible to Harry. While he was going through Harry's closet, picking out the right stuff for the time of the year it was, something fell down. Louis picked it up, to find it was one of Harry's headbands he had worn so frequently in the last few months of his life. Tears started to burn in Louis' eyes again as he was staring at the band in his hand. Without really thinking, he put it on his head. He knew he didn't really have the right hair for it, but he wanted to wear it. Because it was Harry's.   
His eyes fell on the accessories section in Harry's closet and Louis picked up a bracelet Harry had worn a lot. He put it on and looked at it for a while, trying to control the tears.   
Blinking back tear, he went to the bathroom and took all the stuff he needed. He did his best not to think of Harry and the empty pots of pills, he did his best not to remember that day, nearly one and a half month ago, but he couldn't. After a few seconds, tears were streaming down his cheeks and he was sobbing. It was normal for him, though. He was used to it. Those random cries, he had them all the time. He burst out into tears at least once a day. He missed Harry, he missed Harry a lot.   
When he was done in the bathroom, he packed some last things, including a photo collage of photos of him and Harry.   
After making sure he hadn't forgotten anything, he closed the front door behind him. He almost forgot to lock it, because normally Harry was the one who locked the door and kept the keys because Louis would lose them anyway.

The drive to the airport wasn't long and he arrived there after about ten minutes. When he got out of his car, he pulled the hood of his hoodie over his head and bent his head down a bit, trying to blend in with the people there. He really didn't want to get recognised, not now, not today, not while he was in this state. He had pulled himself together as best as he could, but he knew that he could burst out in tears at anything.   
Booking his flight and checking in didn't take long and soon he found himself waiting to board the plane. His eyes fell on the big poster on a wall a few feet away from him, advertising One Direction's new album. Harry's face was shining too bright on it and Louis could see how they had photoshopped Harry's face. Louis hated it, because he thought Harry looked perfect the way he was. He didn't need any photoshop, especially when he was dead. There was no point in photoshopping a deadman's face, right?   
Louis looked at his own face and noticed how he was photoshopped too. Not wanting to look at his face so close to Harry's anymore, he turned around and didn't look at the poster.

After waiting for a while, Louis could board the plane. Luckily, he had a seat next to the window. He couldn't get rid of the imagination of Harry sitting down next to him and slipping his hand in Louis', entwining their fingers. He sighed, he had never really traveled this far on his own. He had always been with the other boys or just Harry. It felt weird to do this on his own, leaving everything behind. But on the other hand, it felt good to leave all the heavy and clouded feelings from the passed weeks behind him, on his way to freedom and peace. He was going somewhere where there were no memories. He had never been in San Francisco before, not with his family, the band, or Harry. He and Harry had always said they'd go there one day, but they hadn't so there weren't any memories.   
He swallowed when he felt the tears forming in his eyes again, when was he going to stop having those cry attacks? When was he finally going to feel okay?   
He didn't want to think about how much he missed Harry, he didn't want to think about the guilt he felt. But he couldn't stop it. He couldn't.   
This was something he needed to do. He needed to get away and pick his life up, somewhere new. He needed to calm down, he needed time with himself and his thoughts but not everything reminding him of Harry.   
He looked at the bracelet on his wrist and brushed his thumb over it softly.   
Harry would still be with him, in his heart and in his head and everywhere, but it would be different. Louis needed to get away from London, he needed to get away from the UK, from everything. And that was what he was going to do. He didn't know where he was going to stay, for how long, what he was going to do. He had no plan at all, and while normally it should've scared him, he felt fine with it, more relaxed than he had felt in a long time actually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be afraid to comment or leave kudo's :)   
> My tumblr: eversincefiveboys.tumblr.com


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, so sorry i'm such a shitty updater :( I'm going to try to post the next chapters soon after one another because I want this story to be finished. Please don't hesitate to comment or leave kudo's because I love it so much when people do :).

  
  
San Francisco was beautiful. It was big, colourful, cute and just  so different. So different from all the doom and the horribleness from the past six weeks. Louis loved it here, it was peaceful and...happy. Somehow, the city was full of happiness. People were amazingly friendly and helpful, in shops people said hello to him as if he was the sun after months of rain, on the streets people greeted him as if he were an old friend. People recognised him of course, but not everyone. And most of the times it didn't matter because people didn't care. He had met some fans and he had had to flee to his hotel, but it was alright.

  
He wasn't doing much better, though. He still didn't know how to cope with all the grief and guilt. He still missed Harry every second of the day and he still couldn't think about anything else. He tried to occupy his mind by busying himself with things. The first day after he had landed, he went to visit the Golden Gate Bridge and spent nearly the whole day there. He walked over the bridge really slowly, letting his mind drift off to Harry and imagining him with him here, right next to him. He had nearly started crying when he saw the s.o.s-poles, telling people not to commit suicide and call this and this number if they were having thoughts about jumping off the bridge. If only Harry had had a warning like that, if only there had been someone to stop Harry. If only Louis would've stayed up, if only he could've saved Harry...

  
He tried his very best not to think like that, but it was hard. His way back was even slower because he didn't want the walk to end, he didn't want the bridge to stop. It was so big and beautiful, so amazing to think he, a tiny human being in this enormous world was standing on one of the most well-known bridges in the world. On his own. Everyone went to these touristic things as a family, a couple or with friends, to make memories and take pictures which would later be looked at with big smiles. Louis didn't take any pictures. He didn't feel like a tourist, maybe because he was all alone or maybe because he was just too sad. Maybe because it wasn't summer, maybe because he didn't have anyone to share his pictures with. Of course, he had his family and his friends, but that was not enough. He would've shared this all with Harry, and it was just too painful to think he wouldn't. So he didn't take any pictures. He just stood there, making memories.

  
The day after he went for a walk. It ended up being a very long walk because he had never been in the city before and he hadn't thought about getting a map. Louis didn't mind though, because he loved walking in these streets. If you started at the very beginning of one street, and if you'd walk it all the way, you'd end up on the other side of the city at the sea. Louis loved that. It was amazing. The streets were very steep and went up and down, which caused an amazing view if you walked on the highest point. Louis just walked around the city, looking at all the beautiful big, old houses. There were parts of San Francisco which were so beautifully colourful. Purple, pink, green and yellow houses all next to each other in the same street. It had something magical, something unjudging, something peaceful.

  
All the walking around didn't take his mind of things, though. He kept thinking about Harry. What would Hary have said about all the colourful houses? What would his favourite street have been? Where would he wanna go next? Every time Louis passed something touristic, he imagined Harry taking a picture there. He imagined Harry walking next to him, holding his hand and telling silly jokes which made Louis laugh harder then he should. But then he realised it would never ever happen like this and he had to do his best not to start crying. It wasn't easy, because he didn't really have anything else to focus on. Of course, seeing and experiencing all these new things was something different, but it didn't take his mind off of Harry's death. He didn't think anything would.

  
The day after Louis went for walk, he decided to do some more touristic things. First he went to Lombard street, to see the cars descent slowly and zigzagging-ly. It was a beautiful sight, all the flowers and plants made it look so happy, and all the tourists looking at the cars making their way down the steepest street in San Francisco made Louis feel like he was part of something. It was so beautiful and special.

  
"Oh Haz, you would've loved this so much. I can see you taking a touristic cheesy picture and posting it on your Instagram with a weird caption," Louis whispered softly to himself and felt the tears burning in his eyes. He quickly turned away from the street and searched for a bus stop. He had no idea where he wanted to go next. He knew he still wanted to do the cable cars and the famous square in front of the Government building. He had no idea how to get there, though, so he decided to just take the first bus and see where it'd take him.

  
He pulled out his phone and earphones and listened to music while he waited for the bus to arrive. After only a few minutes the bus arrived and Louis got in, paying the driver and sitting down somewhere in the back. Happy couples walking hand in hand passed the bus, smiling at each other. Louis used to love seeing people happy with each other. Now it only hurt him, it burned like acid in his eyes. How was he ever going to be okay again? When was he ever going to feel better? When was the burning guilt ever going to get less? When was the heavy cloud of sadness that hung over him every second of the day going to disappear? How was he going to pick up his life again when he got back in the UK? He was never going to be able to be happy again, never.

  
He swallowed back the tears and bit his lip. He didn't want to cry. Not now, not here. Not in a bus in the middle of San Francisco.

  
After a few stops, a girl got on the bus. Louis gave her a closer look than he had given other people because there was something about her. She looked like she was about fifteen, maybe sixteen. And she looked so...lost? Then Louis noticed the T-shirt she was wearing and he looked away immediately. _Please_ , he hoped, _please don't notice me_. She was wearing a T-shirt of 1D's last tour. Harry's face had been smiling at Louis like it was all real.

  
Louis pulled up the hood of his hoodie and had his back turned towards the girl. He stared out of the window, keeping his gaze down. He really, really didn't want to get noticed. He loved his fans, he really did, but he couldn't deal with it right now. The girl was obviously upset over something and Louis had a vague suspicion that it was because of Harry.

  
He had to get out. Quickly, Louis pulled the little robe which told the driver he wanted to get out at the next stop. As soon as the bus stopped, Louis got up but kept his eyes on the floor. He got out as quickly as he could, not looking at the girl or anyone else.

  
It was only when the bus drove off, Louis realised he had no idea where he was. He started walking, looking for a street sign. When he turned a corner, he didn't need a sign anymore. He knew where he was. It had been of his destinations for the one of the next days but he didn't mind that he'd found it now. The only thing he didn't like was that it was crowded with people so he would get recognised easier.

  
He took off the small backpack he had with him and took out his sunglasses. Maybe it'd help him being a bit less visible to people.

  
He walked towards the beautiful park and looked at the famous row of houses where everyone was looking at. "The painted ladies." Old but beautiful houses, all the same styles yet there were some small differences. He now understood why this was such a famous place. It was more than just the houses, it was the whole. The whole of being in one place and looking at the same thing hundreds of thousands of people had looked at before, but it was still special to every individual person here.

  
Slowly, Louis climbed up the path towards a higher point in the park and sat down, away from most people.

  
The houses were beautiful, yet they gave Louis a strange feeling. He felt like all this wasn't really happening, it all felt so surreal. Like he was in a movie, in a book. Like it wasn't happening to him, like he was watching it happen to someone he didn't know. Because honestly, he didn't know himself anymore. He didn't recognise anything of himself. He wasn't the happy, funny Louis. He wasn't the childish lad. He had lost so much of himself in such a little time, he wondered if he was ever going to get it back.

  
The thing was, he didn't think he ever would. Because all day long, every second, he kept thinking about Harry. Whenever he heard or saw something funny and he was about to laugh, he reminded himself that he couldn't be happy and that he shouldn't laugh, so his laugh turned into a sob. Whenever he saw a happy couple walking side by side and stopping to kiss each other, he felt this enormous hole in his heart sucking up every inch of happiness left in his body. Sometimes, on random moments without really having an indication, he felt like he couldn't breathe anymore. He felt like he was underwater, trapped in a giant fishnet, trying desperately to get out. He gasped for air but there was nothing to breathe in. Every time he tried, he felt like he just breathed in pain. Pain and guilt and sadness. He missed Harry. Like crazy. He wasn't able to deal with it, didn't know how to handle it. Everything was just too much. While he felt like he was drowning in the pain and the guilt, he saw images of Harry flashing before his eyes like a film.

  
Like right now. Louis stopped breathing because he didn't know how to continue, the sight of the pretty houses in front of him became blurry and he felt tears streaming down his cheeks. He tried to suppress a sob, so the sound he made didn't sound human. He didn't want to cry, not here, in the middle of the park. with his last strength Louis got up and brought himself further up the hill and more away from anyone, hiding in the shadows. He took his sunglasses off and lied them in the grass beside him, doing the same to his backpack. As soon as he sat down, he couldn't keep himself together. He burst out in tears, hugging his knees and hiding his face in his hands. He couldn't stop the sounds he was making from coming out of his mouth. Something in him broke and he couldn't stop the sobs. He couldn't hold himself together. He missed Harry. Like crazy. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. He felt like he was being ripped to pieces, shred apart which such force he was going to die. The weight of the guilt and pain and sadness was crushing down on him and he had no idea what to do. He thought of how only a few weeks ago Harry had been with him, holding him and smiling at him and kissing him. It was only six weeks ago, but it felt so, so long ago. It felt like years since he had last seen Harry alive, heard his beautiful voice and touched his soft curls. It felt like years and Louis hated it because he needed Harry. He needed him. He had no idea how he was supposed to go on. He had no clue how he was supposed to pick up his life again. His boyfriend had left him behind, and he had told him to go on. But Louis had promised that he'd never love someone else, he had promised to never ever replace Harry. He didn't want to. Harry was like his second half, Harry was part of him. When Harry died, a part of Louis had died too. There was nothing Louis could do to make it come back. It was gone. It left a gaping wound behind though, a big black hole in the middle of his chest.

  
He cried and cried, sobs which didn't sound human escaped from his mouth. He didn't even try to pull himself back together, he just cried, letting the pain and the grief out. He had held it in for so long, he couldn't any longer.

  
After crying what could've been minutes but felt like hours, Louis felt a hand on his arm. He froze. He tried to stop crying, he couldn't let himself be caught like this. This person who was touching him was probably a fan, and he really didn't want to be recognised. He decided just to stay frozen in his spot as long as was needed, eventually the fan would leave.

  
"I saw you crying, and I don't want to disturb or invade your privacy or anything. I just mean, when I feel so sad I sometimes really need someone. So, just to let you know, if you need someone to hug, or to talk to or just to hold, I'm here." This was completely different from what Louis had expected. He had expected some crazy fangirl yelling in his ear. But this voice, it was gentle and caring and concerned. A boy's voice. A soft, warm, caring voice.

  
At first Louis wanted to push the boy away, tell him to leave him alone. But somehow, something in him made him look up. He looked up at the boy and without really registering his face or anything, Louis flung himself against the boy's chest and started sobbing again. The boy hugged him tightly and held him close, brushing his hair and rubbing his back. The boy didn't say anything, didn't ask anything. He just was there, comforting Louis and caring for him. Louis didn't know if the boy had recognised him, but at least the boy hadn't said anything about it and Louis was grateful for that, so damn grateful. He let himself cry, while the boy rubbed his back and just held him. Sometimes, all you needed was a shoulder to cry on.

  
  
  


%MCEPASTEBIN%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, sorry for the late updates all the time. Please bare wih me.   
> Comment's and kudo's are more than welcome :)
> 
> tumblr: eversincefiveboys.tumblr.com


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for posting late, I know I keep saying it but stuff always comes up and I never have time. I'll post the nex chapter now immediately because if people read this story I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

  
  
Louis calmed down after crying for about fifteen minutes. He took a few deep breaths and wiped his eyes while he sat up. The boy released his arms from being wrapped around Louis and smiled at him. Now that his tears had dried, he could see the boy a lot clearer. He had blondish-brown hair, styled up in a quiff. It reminded Louis of Niall 's hair these days. The boy had green eyes, but not like Harry. More green, brighter green. Louis immediately noticed that this boy didn't have dimples like Harry, but his lips did resemble a bit. They were a little bit smaller, though. His face was set in an open expression, the smile on his lips made him look friendly and kind. Louis couldn't help but notice the cute nose the boy had, the few freckles made the boy look innocent and young.

  
"Thanks," Louis said awkwardly. "Sorry about your T-shirt." He pointed at the part of the t-shirt with was completely soak with Louis' tears and there probably was some snot on it as well. Louis was completely embarrassed, but the boy didn't really seem to mind.

  
"It's okay, don't worry. I'll wash it out," the boy said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Let me buy you a new one," Louis offered. He noticed the shirt wasn't from a cheap brand and he didn't feel comfortable knowing he'd ruined it.

"No, it's fine. I mean I offered you to cry on me, don't worry. I wouldn't want you to spend your money on something like this," the boy said.

"Seriously, trust me when I say that this means nothing to me in terms of money," Louis said and pointed at the shirt. The boy raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything.

"I still don't want you to pay for it," he said and Louis laughed. This boy was stubborn. Half-way through his laugh he realised he shouldn't laugh. Because Harry had just died. Harry. Louis' boyfriend. Louis' boyfriend was dead and what was Louis doing? Sitting in the park laughing at a boy.

"By the way, my name's Jake," the boy interrupted Louis' thoughts. It seemed like he did notice how Louis' expression had changed, but he didn't say anything about it.

"Thanks for eh...being there for me?" Louis said, not really sure how to formulate what Jake had done for him. "I'm Louis." He held out his hand and Jake shook it, smiling again.

"If there's anything you want to talk about, if you just need someone to listen, you can always talk to me," Jake said and squeezed Louis' hand. "Don't worry if you don't want to, though. I understand. I'm a complete stranger."

Louis wondered if Jake knew who he was. He wondered if Jake had recognised him. The boy was acting like he hadn't, but Louis had to be careful with meeting new people. Mostly they were just after his money, not caring about him. He didn't want to fall into Jake's trap. He needed to know if Jake wanted to help him, or if he wanted to have Louis' fame.

  
"Jake, do you know who I am?" Louis sighed, not wanting to ruin everything immediately. Jake raised his eyebrows again and shook his head.

"Uhm, are you okay? You just told me who you are, Louis," he said.

"Yeah, no. I mean, did you recognise me or was there no reason you came to me?"

"I came to you because I thought you might need someone, that's all," Jake said, placing a hand on Louis' arm. "Why should I recognise you anyway? Have me met?"

Louis couldn't believe what he heard and a smile formed on his lips.

"You're kidding," he said, not believing that someone had just come to him for him, not because he was famous.

"I'm not." Jake looked lost and confused, and Louis believed him.

"Thank you," Louis said honestly.

"For what?"

"For just...being there for me even though you have no idea who I am and I'm just a stranger to you."

"I'm sorry but you're confusing me so much right now," Jake laughed and Louis took out his phone. He went to his camera roll and went through all the pictures he saved of Harry and him, scrolling up until he found he was looking for. The cover of their new album.

"Here you go," he handed his phone to Jake and saw how Jake's eyes widened.

"Oh, you're _that_ Louis," he said and handed Louis his phone back. "Sorry, mate. I've never really listened to your music so I had no idea who you were."

"Don't apologise! Just so you know what you've gotten yourself into," Louis explained but Jake just shrugged.

"I really don't care about that. I just want you to be okay. But I don't want to force you to talk. Leave whenever you feel like it," he said.  
"No, I don't want to leave. I'm glad I finally have some company," Louis admitted.

"What'd you mean? Aren't you really good mates with the guys in your band?"

"Yeah but I needed some time off to get over it all. And I think it's good to be around someone who didn't know Harry." Louis said it before thinking and as soon as the words were out he wanted to slap himself. Why did he even say that? He didn't even know this boy.

Realisation seemed to hit Jake, and he gasped, clasping his hands over his mouth.  
"Shit, sorry! I didn't link it, I just...shit, man. I heard about that. I'm so sorry." Jake looked like he didn't really know what to say. "I should've realised."

"Don't worry, it's completely fine. I mean, I don't know anything about your life, do I? Why should you know everything about me?"

"Yeah but still. I'm so sorry. It must be like your life is over without him," Jake said quietly. And that was exactly what is was like.

"Have you lost someone you love?" Louis wondered aloud.

"No, haven't even been to a funeral in my whole life." Jake shook his head.

"That is so good," Louis said and suddenly he felt the tears come back again. "Wish I could say the same."

"I'm so sorry," Jake whispered and Louis just nodded.

"I just don't get it. I don't get why he left. He left a letter behind, saying that he couldn't stand the pain anymore. And I understand that, because the way he described being depressed, I would've wanted to die too. But wasn't I enough? Wasn't I enough to believe there was a reason to stay? It's so unfair, he's put him out of his misery, but he pulled me in. I don't get it, I just don't get it," he finished his scentence with trembling words. And then, without thinking about it he clutched to Jake again. Jake wrapped his arms around Louis immediately and Louis sunk into the hug. He started crying again, not as hysterically as before, but it was still crying and he hated it.

"Sorry," he sobbed.

"Shh, it's okay. You gotta let it out," Jake said and held Louis closely. Louis closed his eyes and cried, vaguely noticing how comfortable Jake's hugs were.

"It's not that you weren't enough, Louis. Harry really loved you, he just couldn't go on. And it's got nothing to do with you, he was in too much pain. I think you kept him here a long time, didn't you? What exactly did he say, before he left?"

Louis pulled a folded paper out of his pocket. It was a copy of Harry's letter. The original paper was still in his suitcase in his hotel, in safety so that it wouldn't get lost. Louis carried the paper around with him every day, wherever he went. He didn't read it all the time, but it was in case he needed it. In case he needed reassurance.

Jake read the letter, still holding Louis closely and when he finished there were some tears on his cheeks too.

"He loved you so much," Jake confirmed and handed Louis the paper back. Louis put it back in his pocket while trying to silence the thoughts in his head. The guilt he was feeling was becoming bigger and bigger.

"It's all my fault," he sobbed, not being able to hold it any longer. "I should've helped him. I could've made him stay!"

Jake's expression changed from sadness and pity to shock.

"Don't you dare say that!"

"But it's true," Louis protested. "It's true. I should've stayed awake."

"No! You couldn't have helped this, Lou. Harry decided to go, it's not you going to sleep that caused this. It was his mistake, not yours! Please listen to me, Harry wouldn't have want you to feel like this. Harry wouldn't have want you to blame yourself. You need to let go of the idea that you could've prevented it because you couldn't have. Don't blame yourself, please. It'll only break you and in the end you'll end up like him, and I don't think that's what he would've wanted."

Louis looked up and swallowed. He knew Jake was right, but he couldn't accept it.

"But I need someone to blame," he whispered softly. He needed someone - even if it was himself - to blame. He needed to know that somehow it could've been stopped.

"It doesn't work like that," Jake said and shook his head. "The only person you can blame is Harry, but-"

"Don't you dare say that!" Louis exclaimed and threw Jake's arms from him and scuffled away a few feet. "He is not to blame! He was sick!"

"I know. I didn't mean it like that, sorry. If you would've let me finish my sentence than you would've seen what I meant," Jake explained. "I meant to say that that wouldn't be fair either because Harry was sick,  depressed."

Louis nodded, a bit ashamed of his burtsout, but he felt very protective of Harry.

"But who should I blame then? I could've talked him out of it! I could've helped him," Louis sighed and buried his face in his hands.

"No, you couldn't have. You're not a professional. There is nobody to blame. It's hard to accept it, I know, but you'll have to." Jake sent Louis a sad smile.

"I'll try to," Louis nodded and tried to answer the smile. Jake was being so nice to him, nearly too nice. Maybe Louis had found a friend through all of this. He wondered if Harry would've liked him. Probably. Because Jake was really kind.

"Good," Jake said.

"I'm still sorry about your shirt, by the way," Louis said when his eyes fell on Jake's shirt.

"It's okay, I told you."

"No it's not," Louis said stubbornly and Jake laughed.

"But it's got _the_ Louis' - sorry I can't remember your last name - tears on it!" He exclaimed, pretending to be a fangirl. For a second, Louis pretended that it was stupid and he rolled his eyes, but half-way through that, he saws Jake's cheeky grin and he laughed.

"I mean, oh my God!" Jake went on in a high-pitched voice. "Won't you sign it for me, please?"

In any other case, Louis would've find this annoying. He would've walked away, finding it childish. But with Jake, he found himself laughing. Jake didn't mean anything by it, not secretly really trying to get an autograph, not trying to offend him. There was nothing extra to it, it was just a funny situation.

"Please come to my house, you can sign all my posters and walls and furniture and other clothes and everything," Jake said with a cheeky grin on his lips and Louis pushed him playfully, still laughing.

"You want things signed?" He asked and grabbed his backpack, searched around in it and pulled out a pen. "Well here you go!" He grabbed Jake's arm and pulled up his sleeve and started to sign his name.

"No, stop!" Jake squeezed and tried to pull away his arm. Louis hold him tighter though and continued to scribble down his signature on Jake's arm. Jake shifted uncomfortably, he clearly couldn't stand the feeling of pen against his skin.

"It tickles!" He laughed when Louis raised an eyebrow at him. Louis laughed again and continued signing. By now Jake had about six Louis signatures on his arm. Louis let go and Jake examined his arm. Then he tried to steal Louis' pen to get back at him. Louis laughed and held it just out of Jake's reach.  While Jake was bending over Louis, trying to get the pen, it suddenly hit Louis. What the hell was he doing? His boyfriend had just _died_ and he was laughing and having fun with someone else. He was laughing with a complete stranger. But that didn't matter much, what mattered was that he was having fun, feeling good. He couldn't. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why was he laughing? He shouldn't. He couldn't. His boyfriend had just died. There was nothing to laugh at, there was nothing to be happy about. Harry wasn't here and he'd never come back.

Louis stopped laughing abruptly and pushed Jake off of him softly. Jake looked at him confusedly, and Louis shook his head.

"I'm sorry, I can't..." He couldn't find the words. His voice was strangled by tears trying to get through and after hopelessly trying to blink away the tears he gave up. For the third time that day, tears started to slide down his cheeks and sobs erupted from his mouth.

Jake wrapped an arm around Louis again, pulling him closer.

"You don't have to put up with me," Louis said after calming down a bit. "I just start crying all the time. No fun at all." He bit his lip and sent Jake an apologetic smile.

"Hey, I wouldn't have come to you in the first place if I wouldn't have cared. I want to be here for you, Louis. I really do. I don't mind you crying all the time, I understand. I don't know how it feels, but I understand. There's nothing weird about this. I'm not leaving you now, you need a friend." Louis couldn't really believe that Jake really wanted to do this for him, but he was him more than thankful.

"Yeah, I guess it won't hurt to have a friend," he decided and Jake smiled. "I'm still going to buy you a new shirt."

Jake laughed and stood up. He held out his hand and when Louis grabbed it, he pulled him up.

"You're so stubborn," Jake laughed. "If it makes you happy, I'll take you to the shop and you can buy me a new shirt, okay?"

"Sounds like a plan," Louis nodded while he dried his eyes with his sleeves.

"And if I still like you by then, I'll take you to the best coffee shop in the whole of San Francisco," Jake said and sent Louis a cheeky grin. Louis smiled slightly, allowing himself. He kept in mind all of what Jake had said, and he reminded himself of Harry's letter.

It was okay to smile, to feel like himself again. And maybe it was even okay to not think about Harry for a second.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudo's and/or comments are always appreciated!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the next chapter, I hope this story is going somewhere and that at least someone is enjoying it. I'll try to upload the last chapters soon :)

 

Louis spent the rest of the day with Jake. He bought the boy a new shirt because he insisted and while they were in the shop Jake pointed out a T-shirt which he said would look great on Louis. Louis absolutely loved the shirt so he bought it. It was the first time he had bought something other than necessities for himself after Harry had passed away. And it felt good to just let himself enjoy something new.

They took the bus to "the best coffee shop in San Fransisco" and Louis had to admit that the coffee was really good. They talked about anything and everything, sometimes Louis said a few things about Harry, but mostly they were talking about different things. Louis found out a lot about Jake. He was born in San Francisco and had always lived there. His parents weren't poor, but they weren't rich enough to travel either, so Jake had never really been somewhere far from San Francisco. His biggest dream was to travel the world and visit the most famous cities like New York and London. Even though Jake had always wanted to travel, he didn't see it as a bad thing that he hadn't in his childhood because now he knew San Francisco inner out. He knew everything about the city and had amazing stories to tell Louis.

When Louis asked why Jake hadn't traveled as soon as he had finished school, Jake explained that he had tried to go study abroad but that it was simply too expensive. He had decided to continue studying here, medicine.

Every second of his spare time he was either studying or working, because he was saving up to travel. He didn't want to "escape" this city or anything, because he loved it here, but he really wanted to see more of the world. Planning on finishing his study and then go travel the world, Jake was a big dreamer. Louis loved listening to his stories about how and where he was going to go.

"It's funny because of all the countries you mentioned, I can say I've been there," Louis laughed. Jake shot him a look which was supposed to be angry, but it didn't look much like it.

"You know, touring and stuff," Louis went on and Jake stuck out his tongue.

"I bet you didn't get to see much of the places though."

"No, actually not. Wish I had, though," Louis sighed.

"You should come with me when I'm gonna travel the world," Jake suggested. Louis laughed and nodded, thinking it was all a joke.

"No, I'm serious. I just have to save up a bit longer but we could go together," Jake said and Louis felt his heart skip a beat. He didn't understand why though and shook the feeling off. It was probably just the idea of traveling which made him feel warmer inside.

"What?"

"Only if you'd want to of course," Jake said hastily.

"I'd love to, but I hardly know you," Louis explained.

"Yeah, same here. I just have the feeling that I've known you for so long. Sorry if I jumped too quickly." Jake looked a bit embarrassed now, like he had realised he had gone too far. But the thing was, Louis didn't feel like Jake had said too much.

"I actually feel the same way," Louis admitted. "Let's keep this idea in mind, okay? Traveling the world, it's something I've always wanted to do."

"With Harry? Jake asked out of the blue and while it did feel like Louis was being hit in the face with a pile of ice cold snow, he nodded.

"Yeah," he whispered softly.

"Sorry, I-I don't know why I asked that. I sometimes say stuff I don't really mean to say out loud," Jake apologised but Louis smiled.

"It's alright, mate." And it was, it really was. It hurt, yes, it burned and stung, but it was okay. Louis wanted to talk about Harry. He needed to talk about how he felt, or he might explode. About six weeks he had never talked about Harry. About six weeks he had kept it to himself and pretended to others that Harry never existed. He had thought it was better this way, because he had no clue how to deal with it all. But now he saw that maybe talking about it would actually make him feel a lot better. It was too much to keep to himself, and Jake was the perfect person to just listen and be there. Jake didn't know Harry, he didn't know what he was like and didn't have an own opinion on him.

So after that, Louis started talking a bit more about Harry. He was sure he'd start crying soon, but he had loads to say and tears weren't going to stop him.

He told Jake how him and Harry had promised to go to San Francisco one day and stay there for a few weeks. How they'd go from San Fransisco, and travel upwards through California, stopping at the national parks and visiting the nature. They had said they'd go on a real road trip, for as long as they wanted. They had fantasised about how they'd go now and then. When they were older and had kids who were old enough to visit and remember it, they'd go again.

Jake listened to every word Louis said. Halfway through Louis' story they had left the coffee shop and were walking through the streets. Louis didn't even notice he had started crying again when Jake offered him a tissue. They stopped in front of a house just when Louis had finished talking and Jake took out a key.

"You live here?" Louis asked. Jake nodded and unlocked the door.

"Yeah. It's a house that's been in the family for ages, so no extra costs for me. Come on in," he said and held the door open for Louis.

"Wow. It's amazing!" Louis exclaimed, forgetting about his tears and pain for a second. "It's beautiful!"

The house was big, yet cosy. It had this very personal tint to it, family pictures and things of which only Jake could know the meaning were hanging against the walls. A lot of different people were smiling down at Louis from their photo frames. Drawings and other artistic things hung between the photo’s so that the walls were telling a story. The story of the life of the people in the house. It touched Louis, because family and friends meant a lot to him, so he could imagine how Jake felt about the people on the wall. It was a reminder that you are never really alone, even if it feels like it.

Jake guided Louis over to the kitchen which was also big and beautiful. It looked a lot like a kitchen in movies and Louis was quite impressed.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Jake said while he took out two glasses.

"Yeah, sure," Louis nodded.

Jake filled the glasses with Coke and then grabbed a bowl out of another cupboard. He took out a bag of crisps and put them in the bowl, handed Louis his glass of coke and went to the living room, followed by Louis.

The living room, too, had this personal and warm touch to it. It wasn’t too big, but not small either. Walls were covered in bookshelves which contained a lot of not-books. Dvd’s, cd’s, magazines, photos and a lot of other stuff occupied the shelves and it made Louis feel a bit at home. The house looked lived in, and Louis liked that.

Louis and Jake talked some more, about Harry but also about other stuff. It was weird how well they fitted, like they had known each other since the day they set foot on this earth. Their conversations went so naturally, like they weren't talking to someone they had only met that day. Louis knew it was weird that he felt so easy immediately. It was weird how they had become friends so quickly.

The only person he had ever connected with the same sort of way, was Harry. But it felt good, it felt so right, to finally have someone to talk to. Not that he didn't have his friends back home, but it was different. Jake didn't know Harry so he was just there for Louis, he didn't have his own grief to take care of.

Days passed and Louis and Jake spent a lot of time together. They exchanged numbers on the end of the first day, so that they were able to keep in touch. The next day Jake had texted Louis to ask if he felt like hanging out and Louis had agreed. Since then they had spent every day together, doing things like visiting placed Louis "absolutely had to see or he hadn't really been in San Francisco" or just hanging around, in Jake's house or in a park or somewhere. They talked about so much and after four days Louis really felt like he knew Jake like he was his best friend. They talked about Harry, about the band and about how hard it had been keeping Harry's and his relationship a secret.

Jake told Louis stuff from his childhood and how he used to get bullied at school because he was gay and open about it. It wasn't the whole school who bullied him, most people accepted it. But there were two guys who kept bullying and Jake had felt very bad about himself those days. He had been unhappy for a long while and one day he had woken up and had had enough.

“I asked them what the purpose of bullying me was,” Jake explained. “I asked them what they were trying to accomplish because it wasn’t like it would make me any less gay. I asked if thy really felt good about wasting their time on something they hated. And then the bullying finally stopped and I have been happy since.”

 

After a week of meeting Jake every day, Louis noticed that he wasn't having "normal" feelings towards Jake, but that he was actually having _more than friends_ feelings. It confused him. It confused him and killed him inside. He didn't belong to someone else. He belonged to Harry. He had been together with Harry for three years and in all that time he hadn't looked at anyone else. He had never thought about someone in the romantic way because all that was reserved for Harry. All Louis' kisses, hugs and loving words had always been for Harry.

Louis had promised Harry he wouldn't fall in love with someone else, he had never believed he actually could. Because he couldn't imagine someone in Harry's place. He couldn't imagine wanting to hold someone else's hand, wanting to kiss someone else, wanting to be in someone else's arms at night. Never ever had he imagined that he'd think about someone else than Harry.   
  
Louis couldn’t bare the thought of letting go of Harry so soon, but neither could he deny that it felt right when he was with Jake. He was just so confused and having so many mixed feelings at the same time.

He decided that even though he was confused and maybe he was hurting Harry, he needed a friend. He had to accept the fact that Harry wasn’t coming back and that his pain was going to last forever and that the best way to deal with that was to have someone he could talk to, someone who he could trust. And Jake was the perfect person for that.

It was hard though, because even though Louis _knew_ Harry was gone, there was this tiny bit of hope in him that Harry would still come back. There was this part of him which kept telling him that one day Harry would just walk through the door and hug Louis tightly, telling him he was back and that he would never leave again. That tiny bit of hope was also what made him more confused about his feelings, because if Harry was still coming back he couldn’t have feelings for someone else.

It was so hard, missing someone. It was so painful, like someone was making Louis swallow a liter of acid every day. Louis hated waking up in the morning, knowing that he would never see Harry again. He hated waking up with tear tracks on his cheeks reminding him that Harry was dead. He hated every part of it, but most of all he hated how guilty he felt. He still thought that he could’ve prevented Harry from killing himself, he still thought he could’ve stopped it all. Even though so many people had told him it was not his fault, that he couldn’t have stopped it, the guilt was still there, crashing down on him like a heavy weight.

He also hated that he enjoyed having feelings for Jake. He enjoyed it when the boy smiled at him or made him laugh. He loved being in Jake’s company and he loved being close to him and being able to touch him. He knew he shouldn’t, because he belonged to Harry – and only Harry, but he couldn’t stop it. He was feeling two things at the same time, happy and sad altogether. It was horribly painful, but at the same time he felt better than he had in days because Jake made him happy.

He thought back to Harry’s letter, in which Harry basically told him to fall in love with someone else. He knew that if Harry really wasn’t coming back, he wasn’t going to be able to stop himself from falling for Jake.

So, he decided he’d give it a shot. He’d continue being friends with Jake and just act on his feelings, trying to ignore the guilt. Maybe it’d give him some positive outcome, maybe it wouldn’t. But if it wouldn’t, Louis didn’t think he could feel any worse than he already did. So it could either get better, or stay the same. And if he never tried, he’d never know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for reading, kudo's and comments are always welcome.   
> Also, come take a look at my tumblr if you'd like: eversincefiveboys.tumblr.com


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry again, I keep posting things so late but I'm just very busy all the time. Anyway, here's the next chapter. I know it's not very good but if you're following the story then please don't give up on it! Let me know what you think :)

_Let’s do something today!_   Louis smiled at his phone, feeling the weird sort of butterfly feelings in his stomach which he was trying to ignore.

 _Sure, what did you have in mind?_ He sent back.  He didn’t have to wait long for the reply, which made his heart beat a little faster.

 _I know you’ve already been, but what about visiting the bridge?_ Louis didn’t hesitate a second, because he had loved the bridge but even though he didn’t admit it, he had felt quite lonely up there on his own. He really wanted to visit it with someone, so he could point out all the amazing things. And who was better for that than Jake? Jake probably had some cool stories about the bridge, because he had stories about every part of San Francisco.

 _Good plan, count me in! Make sure you prepare some nice stories, though_ Louis replied. He couldn’t help but smile at the contact photo in his phone. Jake’s face was smiling up at him cheekily. Jake had added the photo himself. He had stolen Louis’ phone for a second and taken a selfie, added it to his contact and had handed Louis his phone back. Louis had decided to just leave the picture there because, if he was being honest with himself, he loved the picture and he could look at it for days. He felt bad for thinking like that, and his eyes automatically went to the picture on his bedside table. Him and Harry about six months ago, smiling at the camera. Louis had his head on Harry’s shoulder while Harry’s arm was wrapped around Louis’ waist tightly. Tears formed in Louis’ eyes. He and Harry fitted together so perfectly, like two jigsaw puzzle pieces. Louis had never really liked being small, but when he was standing next to Harry he didn’t mind. He loved how Harry was bigger than him, how Harry could shelter him in his arms and protect him. He loved feeling small when he was next to Harry.

“I’m sorry,” Louis whispered to the picture and without really noticing it, he played with the bracelet he was still wearing. He hadn’t taken it off since the day he had put it on, and he wasn’t planning on taking it off anytime soon. It was like he was carrying a part of Harry with him everywhere.

Louis was brought back to reality by the beeping of his phone.  He swallowed and bit his lip, took a deep breath and forced a smile on his lips.

_I will! See you in half an hour, at my house?_

_okay, leaving now x_ Louis looked at the picture one more time, remembering how right it all felt, being in Harry's arms.

On his way to Jake, the guilty feeling returned. He kept thinking how he was supposed to do all these things with Harry, not with Jake. He kept realising how he was supposed to have these feelings for Harry, not for Jake. He couldn't do this, it hurt too much. He was so confused and his head actually hurt of thinking too much.

"Hi!" Jake opened the door enthusiastically and it brightened Louis' mood. The guilty feeling was overshadowed by the warm feeling Jake spread over him, but he was still feeling a bit more down than the past days. He really missed Harry.

"Hey," he said, trying his best not to sound too sad. Apparently Jake could tell when Louis was fake-smiling, because he pulled him into a hug. Jake's hugs were warm, comfortable and caring. Louis loved them. He buried his head in Jake's shoulder while Jake rubbed Louis' back softly, not saying anything. No words were needed. Jake understood, that was one of the things which made Louis like Jake so much. Jake didn't ask too much, he was just there for Louis. He listened and only said things when needed.

They stood like that for a while, just hugging. Louis tried not to think, he tried to forget about everything he was feeling. He didn't want to feel the guilt, the pain or the fear. He didn't want to feel any of it. He didn't want to feel the longing feeling of wanting Harry back. He didn't know that missing someone could actually hurt so much. It hurt like hell and Louis had had enough of it.

"I don't want to feel anymore, Jake," he said softly, his voice thick with tears.

"Shh, don't say that, Lou. You don't meant that. I know it's hard right now but you're gonna get through it," Jake said and rubbed Louis' back. His breath tickled the skin of Louis' neck and Louis tried not to shiver. He didn't want to have feelings for Jake, but then again, he did.

He realised that the words Jake had said to him had been exactly the same as Louis had said to Harry and he swallowed. He knew how scary it could be when someone said stuff like that, like he couldn't do it anymore.

"I'm sorry," Louis said and looked up. "Of course I didn't mean it. I'm just having a bad day, that's all."

Jake pressed his lips against Louis' forehead and stroked his hair softly.

"It's gonna be okay," he promised and somehow Louis believed him. Somehow everything seemed a little less heavy, a little less painful after Jake had said these words.

"Let's go," Louis smiled and without thinking about it, he grabbed Jake's hand and held it the whole way to the bridge.

When they arrived at the bridge, they were still holding hands. Jake hadn't said anything about it, but Louis had caught him smiling down at the hands, so Louis took it as a good sign. He tried to push away the guilty feeling and focus on the here and now. It was hard though, because he saw Harry everywhere. Every face he passed look like Harry's, staring at him and burning their eyes through him. He felt like Harry was angry at him, jealous and angry and hurt.

"Well, you left me, I can't keep feeling unhappy forever," Louis thought and tried to shake the guilty feeling off.

"Sorry?" Jake asked and Louis realised he hadn't thought the thought but said it aloud.

"Nothing," Louis tried to lie and looked away, not able to look at Jake because he was so embarrassed. Jake stopped walking which caused Louis to stop automatically.

"Lou, who were you talking to?"

"Harry," Louis shrugged and blinked a few times.

"Is this making you feel guilty?" Jake gestured to their hands.

"Yeah," Louis admitted softly, not wanting to ruin everything but not wanting to lie either.

"That's okay," Jake said and pulled his hand back slowly. Louis knew he meant it as a nice gesture, he wanted to give Louis some space. But Louis didn't like it. He wanted to hold Jake's hand, because even though it made him feel guilty, it also made him quite happy. Quickly he grabbed Jake's hand again.

"But it also feels good, feels right," Louis explained while Jake raised his eyebrows at him.

Without saying anything more, Louis entwined their fingers and just like that, they were walking over the Golden Gate bridge, holding hands as if it was nothing new.  They walked along the bridge, staring at the glistering water.

They talked, joked and laughed and everything felt so perfect. Louis felt complete and comfortable. He couldn't imagine what he'd been like by now if he hadn't met Jake.

"You know, I don't even remember coming here for the first time," Jake said while they stopped walking, facing the water and looking out over it. "Since I was a toddler, I used to come here at least once a month."

"Aren't you bored of it yet?" Louis asked, slightly resting his head against Jake's shoulder.

"No. I could never get bored of this. It's so beautiful. But you know what's even prettier? The side. On the edge of the land, just there" - he pointed to a place on land on the side where they had come from - "it's beautiful to see the bridge like that, especially at night. All the little lights of cars driving there, the moon reflected in the water, it's amazing. You should see it, Lou. You really should."

Louis loved how Jake spoke so passionate about that place and he really wanted to see it.

"Let's go there then. It'll be getting dark in about two hours. How about we have dinner somewhere and then come back?" Louis suggested.

"Yeah, sounds good to me," Jake said and softly squeezed Louis' hand.

They had dinner in some place near the bridge and Louis insisted on paying because he didn't want to Jake to lose the money he could've been saving up on something like this. After Jake protesting for a while, Louis got his way and paid. In the end, Jake had to agree that this kind of money meant nothing to Louis and that Jake could use his in a better way.

After the dinner, they walked towards the place which Jake loved so much.

"Shit, I forgot how cold it gets here when it's evening," Louis swore and mentally slapped himself for not bringing a jacket or sweater. He was only wearing a t-shirt, which wasn't keeping him very warm.

"Aw, here, take my hoodie," Jake said and began to take of his hoodie.

"No! It's yours. I don't want you to be cold because I forgot my jacket. It's my own stupid fault so I'll have to live with the consequences," Louis said stubbornly and faulted his arms across his chest.

"But I don't even think it's cold. You're always cold, I'm not," Jake said and handed Louis his hoodie. Jake was right, Louis was always cold. Normally he'd steal one of Harry's jumpers or just find shelter in his arms. But now he couldn't anymore.

"Thanks." Louis put the hoodie on and smiled at how it wasn't even that big for him.

"What?" Jake asked when he saw Louis' smile.

"It's just that... Harry's clothes are sizes too big on me, and yours are a little too big but not much. I just realised that. That's all," Louis explained, pushing away the guilty feeling that he'd had all day.

"Oh, okay. Well I think you look very cute in Harry's clothes, to be honest. I like it when it's so big on you. But this looks nice too," Jake said, blushing slightly. Louis blushed too and felt the butterflies racing through his stomach. He took Jake's hand again and entwined their fingers.

"Thanks," he said again.

After a while, they arrived at the place Jake had pointed to from the bridge.

"Welcome to my special place," he said and pulled on Louis' arm to make him move forward a bit.

It was a quite small open space between some trees and plants, a bit hidden from the walking path so not many people would come here. It was sandy and high above the water, allowing a perfect view on the bridge.

"It's beautiful," Louis gasped, taking in the way the lights from cars on the bridge made it look like there was a party going on. "Oh my God, Jake. You don't need to travel the world, you've got everything right here. It's so pretty, it's perfect. So perfect."

Jake smiled at Louis. Louis couldn't help but notice how the beautiful smile just fitted in the picture, how Jake was just as beautiful as the sight below.

"I could look at this forever," Louis stated.

"Unfortunately it's only about eight hours before it's getting light again," Jake ruined Louis' statement and they both laughed. Jake detached their hands and went to stand behind Louis. Soon, Louis felt two arms wrap around him. Jake rested his chin on Louis' shoulder and Louis rested his head back against Jake's chest. It all felt so right and perfect. It felt like the two boys were meant to be. And maybe it did confuse Louis a lot, because Harry and him were meant to be as well, but right now it was okay.

"Thanks for showing this to me, Jake. I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for the world," Louis sighed and searched for Jake's hand. Jake entwined their fingers as soon as the hands found each other.

"It's my special place and I never take anyone up here. It's been my secret since forever. But I figured you're not just anyone. You're special, Lou. Like this place." Jake's breath tickled Louis' cheek and Louis felt the butterflies in his stomach going crazy.

He turned around slowly so he could face Jake. Their eyes locked and it all felt so right. This was their moment, this was the perfect moment. This was the moment you wanted to freeze and continue living in forever.

Slowly, Louis moved in, bringing his lips closer to Jake's. Then, without hesitating, their lips brushed against each other. A shock went through Louis' body, making him want more. He pressed his lips against Jake's and kissed him, while wrapping his arms around Jake's neck. Jake wrapped his arms around Louis' waist and kissed him back. For a second, Louis forgot about everything. Louis forgot about the confusion, the misery from the past weeks, the guilt. He forgot about everything but Jake.

And then suddenly, everything came crashing back to him. The first time he saw Harry, there in the toilets at the xfactor, the first time they kissed only months later, in the bedroom they shared with the other boys at the xfactor house. The first time they made it official to each other, confirming that they were boyfriends after they'd moved in together. Flashbacks of Harry smiling at him, of Harry hugging him and kissing him. Flashes of Harry cooking for him, Harry telling stupid jokes, Harry singing to him. Harry, Harry, Harry. Happy Harry, sad Harry. Confused Harry, depressed Harry. Harry covered in blood on the kitchen floor, a knife pressed against his skin. Harry, telling him he loved him. Harry lying on the floor with empty pots of pills next to him. It all crashed through Louis as if he smacked to the ground with an enormous force. What was he doing? He was Harry's boyfriend, Harry was his other half. He belonged to Harry. He had promised Harry he wouldn't love anyone else.

Louis started sobbing in the middle of their kiss. He didn't want to pull back, but he didn't want to be like this either. Jake pulled away, not saying anything.

"I-I can't do it, Jake. I'm sorry. I can't," Louis said and began to sob harder. He wanted to run away from all of this, go back to the time where the only complicated thing about love was that nobody was allowed to know about his and Harry's relationship. It all seemed so hard back then, but this was a lot harder. He was breaking three hearts at once, without being able to stop it. He was breaking Jake's heart, his own and Harry's.

"It's okay, Lou. It's gonna be okay," Jake said and pulled the crying Louis into a hug. "Don't worry, it'll be okay."

"How can you be so patient with me?" Louis asked after a while and Jake shrugged.

"I don't know. I just think that you being okay is more important than anything."

"Thank you, Jake. Thank you so much. I'm so sorry for doing this to you," Louis sobbed and grabbed Jake's hand.

"Don't be, I understand you're confused and torn right now. I shouldn't have moved so fast. Sorry," Jake said, staring at his shoes.

"No! You did nothing wrong. It's me, okay? I just need some time. I need to figure things out," Louis said and Jake nodded.

"I'll take you back to the hotel, okay? You can call me whenever you're ready to talk, whatever your decision is."

"That's not what I mean," Louis sighed sadly. "I need to go back home, to London...To Harry." He whispered the last two words and Jake nodded slowly.

"Oh. Okay," he said after a while and Louis saw tears appear in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Jake. I'm just so fucked up right now and I really need to sort things out. I'm sorry," Louis cried and Jake hugged him again.

"It's okay, Louis. I understand, okay. Just...please promise me you'll call me to let me know you've landed safely, alright?"

Louis chuckled through his tears.

%MCEPASTEBIN%


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I've said before, I don't know what it's like to lose someone you love so maybe this is not all very accurate but please read through that. Please leave comments or kudo's because I really appreciate them :).

 

“Hey Haz," Louis whispered softly and placed a small bouquet of flowers on the cold, grey stone. "I know you always said that if you'd ever die, I shouldn't bring stupid flowers to you because you wouldn't be able to see them anyway, and that they were of way more use to someone who's alive. I know you said all of that but, as always, I'm going against you. You see, the flowers are for you, but they are also for this place. It's to make the whole place look a bit more colourful, a bit more happy. Colours and flowers do a good job at that. Making everything seem a bit less painful, a bit less horrible. I was thinking, why don't they paint all the graves in colourful ways, like red and purple and blue and green and yellow, to make it look more colourful. I know it's not exactly a place to be happy, but it'd do more good than bad I think." Louis took off his coat and placed it on the grass in front of Harry's grave. As he sat down on it, he looked around for a moment, taking in what was actually around him. All those graves. Rows and rows of stones and graves and sadness, doom and death. He wondered how many tears had been shed on this very ground and how many more there would come. He wondered if there was anyone with a happy memory of a graveyard, but he doubted it.

Louis reached in his pocket and took out a small photo in a frame. It was a copy of his bedside photo. The one where him and Harry were smiling at the camera happily in each other's arms. Carefully, Louis placed it next to the flowers on the cold grey stone.

"I miss you, Harry. A lot," Louis said and bit his lip. It was so weird to talk to Harry while he would never get a reply, no matter what he'd do or how many times he'd ask for it. "I don't know what to do. I really don't. Often I wake up and all I can think about is how you left me, how you're not there anymore. I wake up and I want to scream and cry. I want you to walk into the room and I want to punch you in the face. But then I realise that you'll never come back and all I keep hoping is that even though you won't, you still will. Every morning I wake up with dried tears on my cheeks from the night before and a burning hole in my chest. Every morning I wonder again and again what I'm supposed to do, what my purpose in life is without you. Ever morning I wonder why I should go on with my life and if I'll ever be okay again. I guess I will. Time heels all wounds, they say. I don't believe it right now. I can't imagine not feeling that burning pain in my chest, but I think that one day it might be gone. Maybe not gone, but at least very small.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything that happened in San Francisco. It wasn't supposed to happen, I wasn't supposed to meet Jake and fall for him. I'm so sorry. I hate myself for doing this to you, because I promised you I wouldn't. I swore to you it'd only ever be you. But now I broke that promise and I don't know what to do. I really don't. Because I love you, Harry, but it's unfair because you're not there anymore. And Jake is. And I like him. He's a good guy. An amazing guy. But then again, you are too. You are but I won't ever see you again. And I don't know if Jake is just a substitute for your love but it doesn't feel like it.

I'm sorry I developed these feelings for him and I'm sorry I played at them and kissed him. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I-I just...Harry...it's so hard without you...I miss you so much. Come back, please. Just come back. Come back, please. Why don't you come back, why can't you come back. I wan't you to come back. No, I need you to come back. I need you, Harry, I love you and I need you. Just come back, please. Please come back, just come back."

Louis broke down in tears. He didn’t want to feel this way, he didn’t want to feel so torn between two guys, one living and one dead. He didn’t want the guilt to weigh him down so much, he didn’t want the empty hole in his chest to burn like fire, he had had enough of it. And he didn’t know what to do.

"Come back," he sobbed a thousand times over and over again. "Please just come back, why can't you come back?"

He cried and cried, even screamed and then whispered. He couldn't stand the pain inside of him, the burning pain of missing Harry.

Louis cried and cried, rocking back and forth. He probably looked like a mental patient to anyone who'd pass,but luckily there wasn't anyone who saw him. He was alone. All alone. Without Harry. Forever.

He cried and cried, not even trying to stop it. It was even worse than that day in the park, and Louis felt like his world was falling apart. Who was he kidding? His world had already fallen apart weeks ago, on that fatal morning.

He was overwhelmed by another wave of sobs. Powerless, that was how he felt. Powerless and desperate. Hopeless. There was nothing he could do to make Harry come back. Nothing.

"Come back! Just come fucking back, will you? I've had enough of this, Harry. I need you, here, with me, now. Come back! Just come back!" Louis suddenly yelled, dropping his hands on the stone. He hit the stone several times as he kept yelling, completely losing control over himself.

"Shh, Louis, shh," a familiar voice said behind him. Two arms scraped him up while he was looking at the ground. "Shh, you're okay. You're going to be okay." The arms pulled him into a warm embrace and Louis calmed down immediately, the scent somehow reminding him of Harry.

"Shh, it's all okay."

"It's not, though," Louis said, trying to stop the sobs before looking up. He met Anne's eyes and he suddenly felt so sorry for her. She looked at least ten years older than she was. She looked tired, so very tired and sad. Broken, a fragile porseline doll which had fallen to pieces and had been glued together again.

"I know. Everything is really shit right now, but it'll get better," Anne assured him and Louis admired her so much for being so strong.

"I'm so sorry you found me like this, I didn't know you'd be here and I-" Louis suddenly felt guilty and stupid for letting Anne see him as hysterical as just a few minutes ago because she didn't deserve that

"It's okay, I didn't even know you were back. I come here every week, you see," she explained and Louis nodded.

"Oh. I think he'd have loved that," he said and nodded towards Harry's stone.

"Yeah," Anne sighed. "Tell me Louis, how have you been coping. Is every day like...this?" She sounded worried. Louis remembered her calling him her son and again he felt a pang of guilt for letting her find him like that.

"No, no. I'm mostly quite alright. Well, not very good, but not like this either. It's just...something has happened in America and I needed to tell Harry I was sorry," Louis explained.

"Sorry about what?" Anne asked and brushed Louis' fringe out of his face so she could see his eyes better.

"About falling for someone else," he whispered. He saw Anne freeze for a tiny second, then she sighed.

"Louis, don't feel bad for that," she said and patted his back softly. Louis realised that the freezing wasn't because she was shocked that Louis liked someone else than her son, but that he felt bad for that and that that was why he had been so hysterical.

"Harry told you it was okay, didn't he? In the letter?" Anne asked. Louis stared at his shoes, wondering what he was supposed to answer. Yeah, Harry had said that in his letter, but did that mean anything?

"I'd say the same," Louis shrugged. "I mean, who wouldn't?"

"Would you mean it, though?" Anne took Louis' chin in her hand and lifted his head gently. Louis thought about it for a second. Of course he'd want Harry to move on with someone else. Of course he'd want Harry to feel happy. And if he was dead, he'd want Harry to live the rest of his life with someone else.

"Yes, I'd mean it," Louis nodded, seeing where Anne was going.

"Then why wouldn't Harry?"

"Because...because I promised him. I swore to him I would never replace him," Louis said and heard his voice going thick with tears again.

"Who says you're replacing him?" Anne asked and put her hand on Louis' shoulder.

"What else would I been doing?"

"You're moving on, like Harry told you to," Anne explained.

"But I can't be! I promised him. And it's only been two months and I don't want to forget about him and I feel so guilty and I just feel so confused, Anne. I'm so confused," Louis sighed.

"Shh," Anne shushed him gently. "It doesn't matter how much time has passed. If it feels right, it feels right. The new person makes you happy, right?"

Louis saw Jake's beautiful face with his loving smile in front of him and he smiled slightly, feeling a warm feeling spread inside of him.

"Yes, he does," he confirmed. Anne smiled in response, happy to see there was someone who made Louis happy.

"Honestly, Louis. What do you think Harry wants? Does he want to see you broken for the rest of his life or does he want to see you happy with this new boy?"

"See me happy with Jake," Louis mumbled and Anne nodded.

"You've got it," she said happily. "Look, we're all wishing Harry'd come back, but we all know he won't. That's why you have to make the best of what life is now. And you're just really lucky to find someone so soon. It sounds like you like Jake a lot, did you tell him bout Harry?"

"Yeah, kinda every conversation eventually lead to him," Louis admitted.

"Did Jake ever seem annoyed by that?"

"No, never," Louis answered truthfully.

"See, he's perfect for you, Louis. He just wants to be there for you." Anne pulled Louis into another hug and Louis hugged her back tightly, squeezing his eyes shut to make sure he wouldn't start crying again.

"I don't want you to feel forced, and if you think you're moving too fast then don't do it. But I think that if Jake makes you happy you should give it a shot. Harry would be supportive of your choice. He wanted you to move on, to be happy, so there you go. You'll feel better and you won't have to feel guilty towards Harry because it will make him happy too," Anne said before she pulled out of the hug and looked Louis in the eye one more time.

"I guess," Louis said after a while of thinking about her words. "You're probably right. I'm still confused and it's not going to be easy because it won't make me miss Harry any less, but I think I want to try. I really did feel quite okay around Jake. As okay as I could possibly feel, was around him."

"Do you have a picture?" Anne asked and Louis laughed, so typical her. He pulled out his phone and unlocked it, revealing the background picture of him and Harry cuddled up on the couch. It was a picture Liam had taken over a year ago, but it was still one of Louis' favourite pictures of Harry and him. He saw Anne smile sadly at the picture and he quickly tapped on his camera roll, scrolling up a bit until he found the day on which him and Jake had taken a few pictures together.

"Aww, he's really cute. You already look like a couple, to be honest," Anne said and smiled at Louis' phone.

"Don't throw this away because you're confused, Louis. Don't make the wrong decision. It might be hard in the beginning but in the end you'll be glad you've met him," she said when Louis put his phone back in his pocket.

"Yes, you're right. I should call him and at least give it a try. He's too amazing to let go of," Louis decided.

"That's how I want to see it!" Anna laughed and pressed a kiss on Louis' forehead.

"Thanks for all the wise words, Anne. You really helped a lot," he smiled.

"Good. I really want you to be happy, Louis. It's what Harry would've wanted too."

"Yeah, I know," Louis said and felt a tear slide down his cheek. When he looked up at Anne he saw that she was crying too, watching Harry's gravestone. He realised how broken she was and how hard it must be for her to have lost her only son. He took her hand and stood next to her, watching Harry's grave in silence. They stood like that for a while, both lost in their own thoughts. Louis' mind was a mess; he was thinking about everything Anne had said and everything that had happened in San Francisco, mixed with loads of flashbacks about Harry.

Louis and Anne stood there, both crying and remembering. Remembering the boy that was the sunshine in their lives, the boy who could make them smile instantly, the boy who meant the world to them.

"I miss him so much," Louis said after a while. "I miss him every second of every day, wherever I am."

"Me too. I miss him like crazy. And I always will, we both always will. But we're going to be okay some day. We'll be okay," Anne replied. And even though Louis knew she didn't believe her own words, he did find some comfort in them. He did feel like maybe, just maybe, he could work things out with Jake and maybe, just maybe, he'd be okay. Maybe never as okay as before, but okay enough.

%MCEPASTEBIN%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudo's and comments are always welcome, and so is a visit to my tumblr: eversincefiveboys.tumbr.com


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second before last chapter, which means I've nearly finished my first long larry fanfic. I'm posting the next chapter soon so that this story can be closed. Please leave a comment or give this work kudo's if you like it, it'd mean the world to me!

  
  
After the long heart to heart conversation with Anne at Harry's grave, Louis went back home to London. There, the first thing he did was meeting up with Zayn, Niall and Liam. He told them how he had been in San Francisco - of course he had called them every two days but that was mostly just to say he was okay - and told them about the city. He told them about all the beautiful things he had seen, about the colourful houses and the wonderful people.

"But there's something I need to tell you guys," Louis said when he finished his story about the place. Three pairs of expectant eyes were on him and he took a deep breath. He didn't know why, but this was something he really wanted to discuss with the boys first, before he did anything. Their opinion was important to him.

"On my fourth day there, I uhm... I met a guy," Louis began but he didn't have to explain much more because he could tell by the expression on the boys' faces that they knew he liked the boy.

"That's good, right?" Liam was the first to break the silence and Louis nodded.

"I guess so. He's really amazing and he understands me. He's helping me with all the...sadness, with giving it a place," Louis said, not being able to hide the small smile on his lips. He always smiled when he thought about Jake. He used to feel guilty whenever he smiled, but now he imagined Harry sitting on a cloud, looking at him and smiling at him for being able to smile.

"That's so good to hear, Lou, I'm so happy for you," Zayn said and stood up from his seat across from Louis. The other boys followed and before Louis realised it, he was caught in a group hug. It felt weird, a group hug with that missing pair of familiar arms. The arms that would always find him, no matter how many people there were between them. The arms that always showed him that Harry was there, even though he couldn't see him. Never would a group hug be the same, never would Louis feel those arms again.

He tried not to think about it and focus on the here and now. His best friends were all hugging him, being happy for him because he finally felt a bit better. Friends who supported him in his choices. Friends who didn't want anything more for Louis than be happy.

"Why are you back then, if you found him there?" Niall pointed out when the boys pulled out of the group hug. Louis sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"W-we kissed," he admitted. "And I felt so upset and confused because I felt like I was betraying Harry, like I was hurting Harry."

The three boys nodded understandingly and Liam smiled sadly.

"You know he isn't hurt, though. He's happy you've found someone who makes you happy," he said and placed his hand on Louis' arm comfortingly.

"I know," Louis said. "I just didn't yesterday. I went to his grave and ehm...talked to him." He decided to leave the break-down part out because that was something between Anne and him. "Anne found me and talked to me for a while. She made me realise that all I'm doing is moving on, as Harry wanted me to. And I think Harry would be proud of me if he saw me now."

Liam wrapped his arm around Louis and pressed a kiss to his temple.

"I'm so glad you realise that, Lou. Because Harry never would've wanted you to feel so horrible about moving on. Moving on is a good thing. It's hard, I know. But if Jake's the right guy, everything will work out and you'll be okay."

"Thanks, Li," Louis said with tears in his eyes. "Thank you, too, Zayn and Niall. You really mean so much to me and I don't know where I'd be without you."

"Aww, Lou. I love you," Niall said and pulled Louis in a hug. Louis hugged him back and then hugged Zayn and Liam.

"Now tell us all about that new lover of yours," Zayn said with a mischievous grin and Louis laughed.

He told the boys about how he had met Jake and how Jake had been there for him. He told about all his days with Jake and how he felt when he was around him. He told them about how he had taken Jake's hand and how right it had felt. And he told them about Jake's special place with the beautiful view on the bridge. He told them about the kiss and how he had felt so confused and lost.

"But I'm sure now," he concluded his story. "I'm so sure I want to let Jake into my life and try to move on with him. Because I don't want to let go off him, I don't want to lose another person I love. Because this time it is _my_ choice and this time I _can_ prevent losing him. This time I _can_ do something about it and I'm not going to let the past ruin this."

"Good. That's good. Can't you just feel Harry smiling right now?" Zayn said and the other boys agreed.

"Yeah, I think I can," Louis smiled. Because he could, he really could. It was like the pressure of the past week had been lifted off of him and had been replaced by a calming warmth.

The boys left Louis alone to call Jake. They hugged each other goodbye and Louis promised he'd update them on how it went.

Louis made himself a cup of tea, put on one of Harry's hoodies and sat down in the comfortable arm chair he and Harry always used to share.

He pulled out his phone and stared at his background picture for a moment, before dialling Jake's number. The phone rang a few times before Jake picked up.

"Hey Louis," he said. Jake's voice sounded distant but still quite close, which gave Louis a warm feeling.

"Hey Jake," Louis replied. He didn't really know where to start or what to say, so his voice sounded strangely awkward.

"Everything alright?" Jake asked and Louis knew that he had heard the strange twist in Louis' voice.

"Yeah," Louis answered truthfully. "Everything's fine. I just... I need to talk to you but I don't really know how to say everything exactly."

There was a second of silence from Jake's side of the phone call.

"Is it bad?" Jake's voice sounded a bit tinier than usual. "I mean, bad for me. It's okay though, I understand and I support whatever your decision is."

Louis was about to take a sip of his tea but then processed what Jake was saying and he put his tea back down.

"It's so amazing how concerned you are with my feelings and only care about if I'm feeling okay," Louis said before realising it. Even though Jake couldn't see it, he blushed. "No, it's not something bad. For neither of us. I don't really know what exactly to say but I've talked to Harry and his mum and-"

"To Harry?" Jake interrupted him confusedly. Louis blushed even further.

"I-I mean to his gravestone. I talk to Harry sometimes, you know. I know it's stupid but that's just what I do."

"No, I don't think it's stupid, it's good. I was just confused, sorry."

"That's okay. But what I was saying; I also talked to Anne and the easy thing about her is that she's actually able to reply. She gave me some good advice and I realised this is what Harry would've wanted. I mean, it's what I want too, of course. But now that I don't feel too guilty anymore it's a lot easier to see," Louis tried to explain. He wasn't very good at explaining his feelings, but he guessed that Jake understood.

"That's good, Lou. That's really good. I'm so happy to hear you don't feel that guilty anymore." Louis could hear the smile in Jake's voice and it made him smile too.

"I don't want to let go of you, Jake. I really wanna continue what we had, built on it," Louis confessed softly. It was strange to say things like this through the phone.

"Me too, Louis. Me too," Jake replied just as quietly.

"How long is there left of your holiday, before you have to go back to uni?" Louis asked.

"Uhm, about two weeks. Oh, by the way, I got an email today saying that I could apply for an exchange study thing. I just have to be picked, pay a bit extra and then I can study in London!" Jake exclaimed happily and Louis more than ever felt the need to hold the boy in his arms and kiss him.

"Oh my God, that'd be so perfect. You could be so close to me!" Louis smiled at the idea.

"Yes! I applied immediately and I just have to hope I'll get picked," Jake said.

"If you don't get picked, I'll complain to your uni," Louis said protectively and Jake laughed.

"Yes, or you could just come here," he offered and Louis laughed.

"Yeah, that could work too. Listen, have you got anything planned for the last two weeks left of your holiday?"

"Nope, not yet. I was thinking about finding a job and just work so I can earn money for if I get picked," Jake explained.

"What d'you say about visiting London instead of working?" Louis proposed, smiling.

"What?" Jake asked surprised.

"I'll book you a ticket for tomorrow, if you want to," Louis suggested and he could imagine Jake's face, glowing of happiness but not wanting to accept the offer.

"Are you really sure, Lou? I might not have enough money to pay for the exchange study then."

"You know that's a lame excuse because I'll just pay for that," Louis said, rolling his eyes.

"But-"

"Do you want to come or not?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then what are you waiting for! Go pack your bags, I'll book you a ticket," Louis said and walked over to his laptop, starting it up.

“God, Lou. This is so crazy," Jake sighed.

"I know, but if it doesn't work out, you can always go back sooner," Louis said.

"Yeah," Jake agreed. They both knew they weren't going to need that reassurance though.

"Economy or first class?" Louis grinned, knowing what Jake's answer would be.

"Economy of course! And if you dare to buy first class, I won't even board the plane."

"That'd be a waste of money then," Louis said, pretending to be sad.

"Yeah, well, it's not my money anyway," Jake joked and Louis laughed.

They said goodbye and hung up. Louis booked Jake's flight -second class - and sent him a text, saying that everything was arranged.

The moment he pressed sent, he realised he hadn't thought about Harry the whole time, which had been at least seven minutes. And instead of feeling guilty over it, Louis smiled. He turned to the framed pictured of Harry on the wall. Louis had hung it there a few days after Harry had passed away, so that he could look at him whenever he needed comfort.

"Weird, isn't it?" Louis said and smiled at the picture. "It all feels so surreal. I never thought I could be okay but missing you at the same time. But strangely, I can. And it's good. It's what you wanted, right? You wanted me to move on and that's what I'm doing. I miss you, though. And that'll never change. That'll never ever change." Louis smiled at the picture and buried his head in the sleeve of Harry's hoodie. For a moment pretending that Harry was still there.

Then Louis realised he had promised to inform Liam, Zayn and Niall, so he stood up from his chair and grabbed his phone. Leaving his thoughts of Harry behind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some things go a bit quickly and the whole exchange thing is a big coincidence but oh well. Please don't hesitate to comment :)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I hate the beginning of this last chapter but the ending isn't too bad. So yeah, this is the last chapter of this fanfic. I'm really sorry my updates failed so badly, and I don't even know if anyone is reading this, but if you are then thank you for sticking with me. Please give your honest opinions and feedback is always welcome because I have a lot to improve on, I know.

 

Louis was hopping from one foot on the other, continuously checking if nothing on the arrivals board had changed. San Francisco: 16:27. Still the same. He checked the time. 16:26.

He had never waited this long and impatiently for anyone on the airport before. He actually was 't allowed to be there, his management had advised him before they stopped the band not to go to public places without security, but he couldn't care. He had met several fans who had asked him for pictures and said their condolences with Harry. Louis had talked to the fans for a while, and when they had asked who he was waiting for he had just shrugged. He didn't feel like telling them.

The fans had left him alone after a while and although he didn't mind talking to them, he wanted to be able to concentrate and focus on the doors through which Jake would come soon.

 _Landed_. The word on the arrival's board changed so suddenly, Louis' heart skipped a beat.

He knew it still took a while to collect your luggage and go through security, but he didn't want to wait that long. He waited impatiently, keeping his gaze on the doors. Every time they opened, his heart did this thing and nerves started to rush through him.

After minutes and minutes of waiting, the doors opened and this time Jake finally walked through them, rolling a suitcase behind him. He spotted Louis immediately and Louis smiled brightly. He couldn't completely comprehend what was happening, he had never waited for someone else this way than for Harry. He felt a small pang of guilt for feeling so excited that Jake was finally there. But then he locked his eyes with Jake's and the guilt was replaced by a safe, warm feeling.

Jake went through the little gates and Louis walked towards him. As soon as he was able to touch Jake, he pulled him into a hug. Jake couldn't really hug back because he was holding his suitcase in his hand, but he wrapped his one free arm around Louis.

"Welcome to London," Louis said when they pulled out of the hug.

"I want to see everything, okay? The whole city, all the touristic things but also the not touristic things, like all your favourite places. And can we go to like, your hometown for one day maybe, I really wanna see that too, and-"

"Wow, slow down," Louis laughed. "We're going home first and then we can decide what to do, alright?"

"Alright," Jake laughed. "Let's go."

Without hesitating, Louis took Jake's hand and entwined their fingers. Jake smiled at him, like there was some silent agreement between them about taking each other's hand.

"Oh, and by the way, Liam, Zayn and Niall are going to kill me if I don't let you meet them, so you'll have to put up with that too," Louis mentioned as they walked down the terminal.

"I'd love to meet them!" Jake said enthusiastically.

"Oh my God, what... That is why you were waiting so excitedly, right?" a voice said from behind the two boys and they turned around, to find one of the fans Louis had taken a picture with.

"Yes," Louis smiled and wanted to continue walking.

"Who's she?" Jake asked. Not rude, just interested.

"A fan," Louis said and Jake's eyes went wide. Only then he seemed to realise that Louis would get recognised anywhere and that he'd always be asked for pictures and signatures.

"How dare you!" The fan yelled just as Louis and Jake were about to continue walking. " You only just came out with Harry after he died. Should I remind you that his death is only two months ago?" Her words hit Louis in the face and he froze. He saw Jake's expression turn into total shock.

"What the hell?" Louis managed to say, staring at the girl. "This is none of your business."

"It is though! You should be grieving, crying, sitting next to Harry's grave. And instead of that you're just walking hand in hand with a new boyfriend!" The girl looked crazy-mad, her cheeks flushed and her eyes shooting fire.

"Do you know me? Do you know me personally? Have you _seen_ how I've been after Harry's death? Have you _seen_ inside my head and seen how much I miss Harry? Have you witnessed me cry at night, wishing he'd come back? Have you seen me fighting myself against the guilt? Have you seen how I was fucking _broken_ when I was in San Francisco? Have you found me in the state I was in when Jake found me? No! No you haven't. The only thing you know is what the media shows you. I know we have a lot of fans who'd be supportive of me moving on, but you're definitely not one of them. Do you even realise what you've just done? I was finally, finally convinced that Harry would agree with this and that he's happy I'm getting happier. But with those burning words of you, you've crushed that all down and made me feel guilty again. For one tiny second I was actually thinking about dropping Jake's hand and run away because I thought you were right. But then I realised you aren't. You didn't know Harry, you don't know how happy he'd be for me. All you just said is fucking bullshit and I hope you never die while having a boyfriend because he sure as hell will never think like me right now. He'll feel guilty whenever he starts to feel happy. Grow up, girl. Grow up and think of what you've said and how much words can hurt someone. I'm sick of feeling guilty all the time, I'm sick of not being able to smile. I've found someone who's made me happy, and you - as a fan - should be supportive of that, don't you think? You shouldn't be telling me what to do, what even is your problem?" Louis breathed out heavily and he felt Jake squeeze his hand softly. The fan was looking at him with tears in her eyes, and he then noticed that there were loads of girl gathered around the three of them and of course people were filming.

"Let's get out of here," Louis said softly, feeling the tears burn behind his eyes. He thought of how Harry would've never done what he had just done. Harry had never been mean to fans, never in his whole life had he shown anything but respect. Louis had always looked up to him and tried to follow his example. But he couldn't. He was lost without Harry and he had ruined everything.

He turned around and started walking, when suddenly there were noises coming from the sides. It took a second before he realised what the sound was but when he did he couldn't keep the tears inside anymore, he was too touched. All he girl except for the one who had yelled at him were applauding him. They were applauding him, many with tears in their eyes.

"Of course we support you, Louis. We can't even imagine what the past weeks must've been like for you. I'm - we are- so happy that you've found someone who can help ease the pain. Please don't listen to comments from so called fans like her" -she pointed at the girl who was now staring at her feet embarrassedly - "but listen to us. We love you Louis, very much. And if this is what makes you happy, then we're so happy for you." The girl who said all of this was standing quite close to Louis and he let go of Jake's hand so he could hug her.

"Thank you so much," he said. "You're really the best fans in the world."

"Oh and you know, it's not like he's not got a nice face to look at," another girl grinned and Louis laughed.

"Stay away, he's mine," he said protectively and grabbed Jake's hand, pulling him closer. Jake smiled at him, but Louis could see that he was confused and overwhelmed by all that had just happened. To be honest, Louis was too, but he was kind of used to the feeling.

"Okay, let's go now, for real," he said and waved at the girls. He had to push Jake softly before he started moving.

"Wow," Jake whispered and Louis laughed again. Jake was adorable.

 

"Okay, so this is my house," Louis said while he unlocked the door. "Technically it's mine and Harry's but yeah."

Louis tried not to sound sad but it was really hard. It felt strange, walking through this door with another guy holding his hand.

"Weird, right?" Jake whispered and studied Louis' face carefully.

Louis nodded. "Yeah."

"Look, if we're moving too fast for you and you feel uncomfortable I can find a hotel, okay. I don't want to make you uneasy," Jake said and placed a hand on Louis arm. Louis shook his head determined.

"No. No, I want you to stay here. Yes, it's strange, it's different. But who says that's a bad thing? It'd be bad if it was all feeling normal, right?" Louis searched Jake's eyes for confirmation and Jake nodded.

"As long as you're okay with it, I'm okay with it," Jake smiled.

"Good. Let me show you around."

Louis showed Jake the house, first the hallway and then the kitchen. After that, they entered the living room. Louis knew that the first thing Jake saw was the picture of Harry on the wall.

"He really was beautiful," Jake whispered and walked over to the picture. "Did you hang it here or was it here before?"

"No, I hung it there. Harry didn't consider himself beautiful, you know." Louis went to stand next to Jake and wrapped an arm around him. Jake mirrored Louis' move. "I talk to him sometimes, you know. I don’t really know why but it helps me. Like somehow he can hear what I’m saying.”

“That’s good I think, I mean, I think everybody does that when they lose someone they love so much,” Jake said.

“I still need him to meet you.” Louis removed his arm from Jake’s waist and took his hand instead. He directed himself to the picture on the wall. “Hey Haz. This is Jake. He’s a really nice and sweet boy and he makes me happy.” Louis saw Jake smile from the corner of his eyes and he smiled too.

“Hey Harry,” Jake said to the picture, “I promise I’ll take good care of Louis.” Louis loved it so much how Jake just went with it. Jake didn’t think it was strange of Louis to talk to a dead Harry, he just went with it and did the same. He made Louis feel so at ease, not embarrassed by his emotions and actions. Louis appreciated it so much, it made him fall more and more for Jake.

He knew it was soon to say and he knew he hadn’t known Jake that long, but he knew what love felt like and so he knew that he was in love with Jake. It was strange that it had happened so fast, but he was sure Jake wasn’t just a replacement for Harry. Jake really was something new, something different but somehow similar. Jake was what Louis needed right now. Not only right now, but for the rest of his life.

He noticed Jake looking at him, studying his face with an emotion in his eyes Louis couldn’t quite place. He knew what the emotion was, he recognized it, he just couldn’t put his finger on it.

Louis felt this overwhelming desire to kiss Jake, and then he realized there wasn’t anything holding him back.

“You know, Jake, I still owe you,” Louis grinned cheekily. Jake raised his eyebrows questioningly, but a smile was playing around his lips.

“Owe me what?”

“That evening, before I went back home. I was confused because I felt guilty, I couldn’t continue kissing you because I thought I’d hurt Harry, but now I know that I won’t, and I don’t have to feel guilty anymore. So what’d you say, should we pick it up from where we left off?” Louis said and moved closer to Jake.

“If I can remember where we were,” Jake replied and pulled Louis closer, pressing there body’s together.

“Oh I do,” Louis grinned and with that, he closed the last inches left between his and Jake’s lips and kissed him, first slowly and then more and more heatedly. Louis didn’t feel guilty, or sad, or strange because it weren’t Harry’s lips on his. It felt right, Louis felt right. This was how it was supposed to be now.

He still wished Harry would come back, he still wished Harry hadn’t gone in the first place. But he also knew that there was no point in wishing and that he had to accept. He had to accept the fact that Harry was gone and that he needed to move on. He was lucky to have met Jake so soon, to have found someone who caught him just before he fell so deep that he’d never be able to get up again. He was lucky to have found someone who made him feel happy, whole, complete again. He was lucky to have found love again so soon.

The hole in his heart would always stay, Louis knew that it would never completely heal. He knew that when Harry had killed himself he had taken a part of Louis with him which Louis was never going to get back. The hole would stay and the pain and sadness would still be there. The unanswered questions would never get answered and the pain of missing Harry would never completely disappear. But it would get less and less, until one day it would just be something in the background.

He knew he wasn’t there yet, though. He knew he was far from it and it was going to take him many more breakdowns and tons of more tears before he was finally going to feel okay again. But it was a comforting thought to know that eventually, he would get there. And in the meantime, he had someone to hold him while he had those breakdowns, someone who would dry his tears and whisper calming words in his ears. Someone who’d be there for him. He didn’t have to face this alone.

When Jake and Louis broke apart, they rested their foreheads against each other and gazed in each other’s eyes. In that moment, Louis knew he wasn’t falling in love with Jake anymore, he had fallen already, fast and hard. He knew it was soon to say, but he felt like he needed to. He needed to say it because only then he’d fully be able to rely on himself and trust himself. Only then he was sure he was doing the right thing and he didn’t need to carry the guilt on him anymore.

“I love you, Jake,” Louis whispered and the blush and the smile and the response he got reassured him that it wasn’t too soon.

“I love you too, Louis, oh so much,” Jake whispered back. And just before Louis closed the space between them again, just before he forgot everything around him, he got the confirmation which made everything feel completely right, which showed him that he was doing the right thing. In the tiny second he closed his eyes before his lips met Jake’s, an image flashed through his mind. He didn’t know where it came from, if it was something he made up or something someone was sending to him. He saw Harry, sitting on a cloud and looking down at Louis and Jake, giving Louis a bright, meant smile and a big thumbs up.

 

%MCEPASTEBIN%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I hoped you guys liked it, please don't hesitate to tell me what you thought. I'm quite proud of this, I mean it's my first chaptered fanfic and I don't think it's too bad. I know it's not super amazing or whatever but okay. Anyway, thanks to everyone who has ever even read one word, it means a lot to me that someone would even want to read anything written by me. Yeah so basically, thank you.   
> tumblr: eversincefiveboys.tumblr.com


End file.
